It feels like rape....

I didn't understand until a moment ago. I've been running my day through my head over and over. First, the former friend who felt my advice was out-of-bounds, which would have been fine had she allowed me to respond rather than blocking me on facebook. I was even willing to apologize for some points, if not all.

Then, the trip to the doctor. Which was surreal, at best. First, I had to take Annie along - she had a tummy ache this morning. So as I'm sitting talking to the doc with Annie, he asks her if she knows why we have earwax. Huh? It's not really like Annie cares. But he explains: we produce ear wax to protect the inner ear. He then goes on to "proclaim" that "how could that be explained by evolution? Like that just happened?!"

Well, yeah doc, it just happened. Sorta like you just "happened" to make it through Medical School.

Sweet baby jeebus. I have know for 5 years that my doctor was a conservative - it took me a few visits to figure it out because I was really high on painkillers at the time - but I came to the conclusion early on that he was conservative, but harmless.

That was 5 years ago. Over the years, I've dealt with he and his wife's gung ho military commitment, his Christianity, and his narrow views. You should meet his kids away from the office - they bear no resemblance to their parents.

But today, when his wife decided to "pray" for me, I felt violated. It was like a spiritual rape. Because I knew these people, and I had trusted them, tolerated them, and felt like they had tolerated me. Until today.

And I KNOW rape, folks. I've been there, more than once. And there is nothing worse than feeling raped by someone you know and trust. And there is nothing harder than admitting that you feel that someone you know and trust has violated you.

And I have to admit, today, as this woman I previously liked decided to "pray" over me, it felt just like rape. And just as the times I was previously raped, I was afraid to say "No." I was afraid to speak my mind, to defend myself.

I may not ever go back to my doctor, actually. I'm not sure how I'll swing that, but I really don't think I can go back there. I felt spiritually raped today. I felt like someone else had taken my will, discarded my wishes, and imposed their own.

And that my friend, is rape.

Okay straight boys, what's up with this?

Now, I'm as about as understanding of men as any lesbian you'll meet. No, really, I am. After spending 25 years trying to convince myself I found males physically attractive, you can clearly see that I *obviously* got along with men to some degree.

I am NOT a man-hating lesbian, despite the last asshole who posted that repeatedly on my facebook and examiner.com column. I actually like most guys - as long as they can refrain from seeing me as fresh meat.

I mean, let's be honest here. Even most straight girls don't like being viewed as something to be conquered, unless that's a particular fetish of theirs. Most women like - and in fact would prefer - some degree of respect. It's ironic, really. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I was driving a cab, one of the first, and biggest, assholes I ran across was this dreadlocked asshole I picked up at the cab stand on 6th and San Jacinto. His first words were: "I bet I'm not as big an asshole as most of the guys who get in your cab!"

He then proceeded to prove himself horribly wrong.

His argument was one of tunnel vision: I couldn't possibly be gay, because evolution argued against it. Never mind the fact I had already managed to have 4 kids in heterosexual relationships. I just couldn't be gay. According to him.

We went through this for a good twenty minutes before I pulled over on Highway 71 and told him to get the fuck outta my cab. Had I had more experience, I would have just called the cops on him, but I was still a newbie. But he wasn't the last obnoxious straight guy who questioned my sexuality.

Now, bear in mind, I'm pretty visibly gay. I can only imagine what gay girls who look like any other girl go through once people learn they're gay. But what these people just don't grasp is how horribly insulting that is. When you are gay, growing up in a heteronormative society, you are constantly exposed to the idea that heterosexuality is the "norm."

Imagine, for a moment, that you are gay. You see couples, male and female, all the time. Families consist of men and women. Marriages consist of men and women. You are TAUGHT that the norm is male/female. But you're a boy who likes boys, or a girls who likes girls. Where the hell do you fit in?

Well, in heteronormative society, you don't. There is no place for you in the "traditional" family. You're different. If society were predominately Gay - then the hetero people would have the same issue. But since society is primarily heterosexual, YOU are different. And it takes GREAT courage to come out of the closet under those terms. Bless the girls and boys who understood that early on, but truth-be-told, a lot of us don't 'get it' until later in life.

It's not easy being gay (yes, I heard the Kermit joke in that too). It's not something we want to hear arguments about "why you should be hetero" or jokes about "that's so gay". You get sick of that shit. You didn't choose to be gay. You are. You know that. You cannot change that.

But when people - both those you've just met, as well as those you know well (including relatives) make comments or jokes like "are you sure?" or "how is that possible?", well, it's just freaking insulting. For me, it's frankly enough to piss me off royally.

I had a friend - I say had, because I deleted him on Facebook this weekend, despite having known him on a mailing list for years - who kept making jokes about lesbians that, frankly, offended the hell out of me. The first "joke" came a couple of months ago. He commented on a post I made about gay marriage. His reply was a long, involved scenario of why lesbians should be able to marry so he could hide in a tree and peep at them as they had sex. It was ludicrous, and I deleted it.

This weekend, I posted a facebook status about my 21-y.o. going downtown for the first time, with her sister and BIL to celebrate her birthday earlier this month. I joked in my first reply to him that I told her sister to "make sure she kisses a girl." He replied with this:

"C'mon, Michelle. Fairness dictates that hetero boys should at least have the opportunity to make asses of themselves before the young lady decides to opt out of the program. Our survival as a species is kinda dependent on adherence to these small, but vital, tacit understandings."

So. That ain't funny. No, not at all. So I deleted it and told him I understood he was just trying to be humorous, but it wasn't. He responded by stating I wasn't the spokesperson for all gay people, and that my daughter could handle the humor better than I could and - get this - that he's on MY SIDE.

Oh, fuck no. Anybody who spouts that shit after what each of us goes through accepting that we are different from "straight" people - oh, hell no. You aren't on my side. You aren't on my kid's side. You are a misogynistic asshole - and deserve to be called out on it.

Word up, guys. If a woman is a lesbian, it is not a personal rejection of your "manhood." It means she prefers girls. It means that is how she's wired. And hostility 'hidden' in humor is not hidden at all. It's fairly obvious.

There's enough misogyny in modern America without this shit. But you know what? This is exactly WHY so many women wind up marrying men when they really want to be with women. It's even more rampant among women than men. Women are trained from birth to heed societal expectations. And men like this just throw it in their faces when they come out of the closet. Trust me, there are a LOT more lesbians out there than you suspect. But most of them are afraid of upsetting the patriarchal cart.

Instead, they post on craigslist when the boys are out of town. Or their husbands find them in bed with a woman when they return home unexpectedly (and yes, I know at least two guys this happened to). Or they finally meet a girl and realize what they've denied for years. Men - grow up. Not every woman wants you. And that's okay. In fact, you're better off accepting it. Why would you want a woman who found sleeping with you repulsive, anyway?

There are plenty of straight or Bi girls out there who will dig you. So grow up, and let the queer girls have their happiness. Trust me, if you could ask my dead husband, he'd agree - it just ain't worth it. Any effort you make to convince someone to be something they aren't is effort wasted. But even worse, it's unfair.

Nobody tried to make you gay, did they? Don't try to make us straight. Live and let live, accept yourself, and accept others. We will all find far more peace that way.

But act like an ass, and boy, expect to be called out on it. Because that shit is misogyny, and it will not be tolerated.

Where to begin?

This blog began as a result of Prop 8. It was a result of my absolute despair that a state could give rights to GLBT people that we should already have as tax-paying citizens, then yank them away as a result of a "majority" vote. When, historically, has it been okay to vote on other citizen's rights? Never, that's when.

So today, as I watched my brothers and sisters - and their supporters - march on the Capitol, as I listened to the speeches, I was reminded once again. Why SHOULD we accept second-class citizenship? Who, in their right mind, would accept being held to the same standards, and the same tax obligations as we are, yet accept a form of citizenship that degrades, humiliates, and debases us?

Why should anyone live that way?

I'm at a loss folks. When I was playing a straight-white-middle-class-housewife, there's no way in hell I would have accepted my current status. And I'll be damned if I'll accept it now. It is not enough. It is not GOOD enough.

Now, as for why I'm angry right-this-minute, go to gay.americablog.com

The particular quote in question is as follows:

NBC just did a piece about today's gay rights march in Washington. For the political context of the gay community's ire, NBC went to Chief Washington Correspondent John Harwood. Harwood was asked if the White House was worried about "the left as a whole," and concerns they have that the White House isn't doing things that "the left" expected them to do. Harwood said the following:

"Barack Obama is doing well with 90% or more of Democrats so the White House views this opposition as really part of the Internet left fringe."

Harwood then went on to say:

"For a sign of how seriously the White House does or doesn't take this opposition, one adviser told me those bloggers need to take off the pajamas, get dressed, and realize that governing a closely divided country is complicated and difficult."

Funny, I didn't see any marchers in PJ's, did you? I, personally, am in my P.J.'s. I work at home - so I have the right and privilege of working in them when I feel like it. I didn't hire on to run a country. Obama did.

And so far, what I have seen out of President Obama is a lot of talk. Frankly, I'm appalled that he won the Nobel - and I think he is, too. Even he seemed to recognize it was unwarranted. The man has done none of the things he promised to do on the campaign trail. Not one thing.

Now, I'm not saying it's not hard running a large Democracy. I'm sure as hell not saying the man's life is easier than mine. I am saying that you don't shoot your mouth off about things you refuse to deliver. Maybe if he hadn't lied to at least 10% of America about his intentions, we wouldn't be so pissed off. And if his administration finds it that easy to belittle his constituency, well, maybe we should be a little more careful of who we trust.

I personally, do not trust Obama to deliver my Civil Rights. He may or may not accomplish other things in office. That remains to be seen. But I do not trust the man to deliver on his campaign promises. Twice, the DOJ - his people - have defended DOMA. Twice, he as asked SCOTUS to drop DADT cases.

He is not my president, yet. He may be, depending on his actions in the near future. But until then, me and my P.J.'s will keep blogging, thankyouverymuch.

I finally watched "Milk"...

Oh, sweet baby jeebus...

I'd seen, and learned most of what I needed to learn, from the documentary. But today, my college sophomore wanted to watch the movie. She was home sick, and I have a bum shoulder this week, so I figured, what the hell, right?

I heard a lot of this gay-bashing growing up. Anita Bryant. Gay prejudice. You're going to hell-because-this-is-Texas-and-we-said-so. I mean, I knew I liked other girls in 71' - but I didn't really worry about it until I hit adolescence in 75'. Which, incidentally, was about the time Ole' Anita hit her peak.

Now, by 1977, Anita was on her way out. The gay establishment (and yes folks, some of our people were established by then) had begun the boycott that led to Anita's bad press and subsequent downfall. Her hatred was no longer profitable, so her sponsors dropped her, to minimize collateral damage.

But like that kid in the wheelchair who called Milk from Minnesota - we Texans were not privy to this new political awareness. Our state continued to live in the total dark ages, as San Francisco slowly oozed it's way out of the dank, musty cellar of homophobia.

Now, more than 30 years later, it's clear that San Francisco isn't completely out of the cellar. Prop 8, coming hours after the election of President Obama, made clear that we have miles to go before we sleep.

BUT! And this is a big 'but' - we have made inroads. Progress, even. While same-sex marriage is only officially recognized in a few states - Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine and most recently New Hampshire - providing none of the anti-gay movements succeed in negating this progress - we have still made an impact.

But it's not enough. It's not enough for that teenage kid that everyone else KNOWS is gay - but is terrified to tell his or her parents. It's not enough for that kid debating substance abuse or suicide to deal with their pain. In short, it's just not enough, people.

No child should have to choose between living honestly with themselves, and pleasing their friends or family. What kind of choice is that?! One of my neighbors, whose child told my child that "by the time you believe in Jesus it will be too late" asked me how I would feel if "one of my kids came home a christian?" And I told her, after asking her how she'd feel if one of her kids came home and announced he's queer - I'd love them anyway! Just as I would expect her to do.

People focus too much on differences - especially when religion is involved. But if you take "god" out of the equation - we are all still people. And we all still need other people. We need our community - differences and all. As Harvey Milk tried desperately to teach them - we need each other.

But we cannot help each other if we focus on hate and differences. We have to focus on similarities, and love. And isn't that what anyone's 'god' is about? The concept of God is about love, that's what I have deduced. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe GOD is this hateful, spiteful, revengeful thing the popular right wing Christians keep talking about. I'd like to think they're wrong about that.

But whether it is or not, as an atheist, I don't have any investment in it. It is not my god. And the idea that my Civil Rights can be determined on the basis of their god - which is not mine - is highly offensive. I pay the same taxes. Should I not have the same rights? Have these people ever *heard* of the concept of separation of church and state?

The irony, to me, is that the same groups that carry signs depicting Obama as Hitler are the same people who would tell me that I am inferior due to my orientation. They, like Hitler - would judge me inferior because I differ from them. They have yet to demonstrate how they are better than me - in fact they seem to strive towards proving their inferiority - yet somehow, on a political playing field, I am determined "less than." All because they are "Christians."

I do not think these people are truly 'Christians'. Of course, it doesn't really matter what I think. The people I would consider "Christians" are not speaking out against the so-called 'Christians' who are doing their damnedest to make queer people - children and adults alike - feel inferior. They aren't making an effort to minimize suicides amongst queer teenagers. They aren't reaching out enough to their communities.

So why SHOULD I distinguish between the far conservative right nut-jobs who don't care if we kill ourselves, and the Christians who claim to care, yet do nothing?

If you care, stand up on this day - National Coming Out Day. Stand behind your mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Leave the baby jeezus at home. Consider your friend or loved one as a human being - like you. Judge them not on their attractions, but on their humanity. Think about what you want for your life - then apply it to theirs.

It's truly the "christian" thing to do. But don't be offended if you find people of other faiths - or none at all - standing up for queer folks. Because ultimately - in case you missed the sarcasm - this isn't even about religion. It's about people, and love, and doing the right thing. All of which supersede religion. Orientation, like marriage, isn't about religion at all. It's about people.

We're here, and we're queer. So, once again, get used to it. We aren't going anywhere. And we sure as hell aren't going back in the goddamn closet.