Mans inhumanity to man...

It's a fact. There is no God in anyone's belief system more cruel and inhumane than human beings can be to each other.

I came to this conclusion a few years ago after participating in a 12-step program that insisted I must have a "god of my understanding." My understanding of reality leaves no room for a god. Yes, I've heard the argument of "free will." I don't buy it. If there truly was a loving god, it wouldn't have created so many people capable of such horrible atrocities. Natural disasters wouldn't wipe out hundreds or thousands of lives at a time. There is no room in my perception of reality for a "loving god with a will" for me.

Now, it was a long road for me from accepting that I do not believe in god, and accepting those who do. But I have managed to develop a reluctant acceptance for those that attempt to force their god down my throat. They believe the things they say, they bought into it early on, I understand that. I understand that it helps them make sense of the injustice in the world. It just doesn't work that way for me.

To me, there is reality, and there is religion. The two don't cross paths in my head. I see the world, and the people in it. I don't see imaginary beings with a benevolent will for me in that world. And there is a damn good reason for that.

Now, this might be indicative of psychopathology on my part, but I read about crime. I seek it out. And I feel for every victim of crime. I cry. Because I don't understand it. Anything I don't understand, I seek to unravel. I *want* to understand why these people do horrible things to other people - mainly because I believe that deep down, there has to be a way to stop people from doing these things. I believe humanity is not meant to demonstrate the kind of cruelty it does, and I want to know *why* people do these things.


Still, it's painful to hear about. Parents killing their kids. Men killing their entire families. No, women don't do that - they will kill their children or themselves, but not their boyfriend or spouse. Look at the cases - it doesn't happen, and I don't know why. Then there's the 15 y.o. in Missouri who killed the 9 y.o. because she "wanted to know what it felt like to kill someone." How does this happen? What goes wrong in the heart or soul or brain of someone capable of indiscriminately taking another life?

There is no shortage of examples of violence of this sort. The mother accused of prostituting her child, who was later found murdered. The psychiatrist who killed 13 at Ft. Hood. Man is capable of abominable violence - even against those you would expect them to love. The man who entered a gym this year and indiscriminately murdered women he didn't even know. Honestly, the list is long and depressing. The last year alone would bring you down.

And I want to understand. I want to fix it. I want to keep it from happening. And I feel so powerless to change it. I wish sometimes that I *could* believe in a god, and blame it all on it's unfathomable will. But I can't. I can't help that I believe people are responsible for these atrocities - not some god. No god I would want on my side would even allow the violence against people that other people have bestowed on them. If I were a god that had created such a people, I would slit my throat. It would be justice.

Every act of violence diminishes us. It takes a life that should have continued. It brings grief on those who love the victim. It sometimes creates even more violence. That's no way to live.

Consequently, I'm torn on the death penalty. Do I condone the death of a human who I really think is less than human? Philosophically, that puts me on their level, no? But I still, deep down, think there are some people so defective and evil that they really should be eliminated. I mean, think about it - prisoners can marry. They can have conjugal visits. I really don't want these people to breed. If what made them what they are was a hard-wired brain issue, I don't want their progeny on my earth.

So, deep down, I do believe in the death penalty. I wouldn't hesitate to kill rats or mice or cockroaches contaminating my home. I view killers with a similar philosophy. Maybe that makes me bad, I don't know. It's hard to say.

But more than anything, I want to understand the mechanisms that make people do these things. Somewhere, there is an etiology. Somewhere, there is a solution. Somehow, we have to find it. I don't care if it violates people's privacy. That's a small fucking price to pay to identify problems before they result in death or abuse. It's like drunk driving - fine, drawing blood might violate your perceived civil rights - but if you are putting other people at risk with your blood alcohol level, why shouldn't you get caught? Especially if it spares someone down the road.

From hate crimes to child abuse and murder, to the senseless death of a friend of a friend - there's no reason to tolerate this. There's no reason not to actively and aggressively seek answers. To attempt to save lives by identifying the diseases and thought processes that lead to this misery and injustice. There just has to be a better way.

To me, we are god. And we must look after ourselves - and each other.

You know, I could be writing for money right now...

As minuscule as that generally is. However, something more important is on my mind than the issue of Civil Rights in Austin alone. People, individual people, are on my mind right now.

I have made some incredible friends on Facebook - people from all walks of life. Gay, straight, male, female or other - I've just met some incredible people I wouldn't have met without this social networking tool. The fascinating thing to me is that I am SO much better for having met them.

I've been exposed to ideas and attitudes I might not have encountered in real life - probably wouldn't have in Texas. There have been disagreements, yes. People who have even blocked me. But really, they just couldn't handle the fact that I speak what I think, or they had their own shit to deal with and couldn't handle the conflict. And let's face it, I tend to encourage that sort of thing. The rest, and there are far more of those, are able to conduct dialogue. We discuss. We debate. We learn. We learn from each other.

In 1993, when I first got on the internet, there was little to be found. 1200 baud, and nary a snippet of information to be googled - actually, Google wasn't even invented yet. It was frustrating. Mainly because I felt there *should* be more online. So much knowledge, living in SO many heads! Why wasn't it there?!

As you can see, I was impatient. My expectations exceeded the age of the medium. It hadn't "grown up" yet. Apparently, neither had I.

It was a few years before the internet began to grudgingly meet my expectations - not that I helped much. I wanted it now, but it didn't occur to me that I could contribute. Fact is, I wouldn't have known where to begin. I was still figuring out the autoexec.bat file on Windows...I was slightly nerdy - but I wasn't an activist yet.

Then, around 99', I began selling books online. At first it was just looking up books I had cataloged for my FIL's library. But after my FIL died, my almost-late-ex commandeered a lot of his books, and suggested I sell some of them online to make ends meet. I regret that. I loved those books, as well as my FIL Palmer, and the proceeds really should have gone to my late MIL, but that's another nightmare. As I've said in past posts - wait for the memoir.

Anyway, by 99' I was spending a lot more time online. The available info was still marginal. But there were more people. This was mostly mailing lists. But they were interesting, sometimes scary, people. People with ideas I had never really thought about. People who were outspoken, sometimes vitriolic, but always true to themselves. I was in love.

I haven't spent a great deal of time offline since - well, yes, I have had a life, but I never completely lost touch. I discovered a whole new world online. People I could discuss, argue and debate ideas with. Something I seldom encountered in childhood. It was magical to me. Even when I took the brunt of it. It was amazing! You could actually *disagree* with people here. And the sky didn't fall! Even better, you could disagree, and people would STILL talk to you!

The best part, to me, was at some of the most trying points in my life, those people I met online were still there for me. They supported me, and saw me through the worst. I'll never forget that.

And in the years since, I've had the opportunity, no - privilege, of being there for other people. People I had met online. Friends. As well as people just coming out of the closet - some of whom I met in real life as well - and people struggling with family and circumstances. I have been allowed to be a friend. I have been able to be an advocate, as well. I'm incredibly grateful for that. It's why I'm out. And it's part of why I love the net.

And you know, I could do a whole blog on that alone. On how fantastic it is to connect with other people - including people like me - gay people, some of whom have felt oppressed and afraid to be themselves - but as ecstatic as I am to have made their acquaintance, there is so much more to my online experience.

I've met people of all stripes. Straight boys, gay boys, straight girls, gay girls, and prolly a lot of 'tweeners, although I don't pry, so I can't say. But the people I have met have enriched my life. You have each expanded my experience - every one of you. You have helped me understand that there are all kinds of experiences, and none of us should judge them. As the saying goes "walk a mile in my shoes", or something to that effect.

Years ago, when I broke my addiction to the painkillers that saw me through the final 10 years of my last heterosexual marriage, I went to 12-step meetings. Honestly, they drove me nuts, because they're so god-centered, and I'm not. But the sponsor I had there tried to help me understand that we can't judge other people on our experiences. We have to understand theirexperiences. We have to seek to understand, rather than be understood.

Yes, as a gay woman, and parent of a gay child, I want equality for my kind. I demand it. But I also understand the people having trouble accepting it. I don't agree with them, and I think the issue will have to be settled on a Federal level. But I do understand their confusion and anger. I understand WHY they do the stupid things they do. And I feel bad for them. If the tables were reversed, I don't think they would deal nearly as well as we have.

No Christian has EVER been murdered in America because of their faith. Yet these people are deluded into believing they are persecuted, while gay and transgendered people are murdered because of who they are. I could demand that they grow up and face facts, but that wouldn't make it happen. That's why I insist we must have Federal action. We must teach these people their beliefs are wrong. They do not know better, as sad as that is.

But you know, what brought me to this point - rather than raging at the injustice of idiots - is this: people are complicated. The psychology of how we exist is complicated. How we are raised. The societal influences we face - including religion. There is nothing simple about humans. And above all, we are an irrational lot.

I think of it this way: when we are kids we create a lot of concepts, and memories, that really have no relation to reality. That's how kids are. To me, the people who hate on 'the gays' are just people who haven't grown up. Some of them never will, sadly. And that's why we need a Federal law. We need the country to tell EVERYONE that "yes, you do have to accept these people and allow them their rights." It's the only way some of them will learn, sadly.

We pay the same taxes. We're all adults. We deserve the same rights. Seems simple. But if left to the general population, i.e. voters, it's not so simple. We deal with psychology, both in real life and on the net - and especially in the voting booth. But the net has taught me to have far more tolerance than I had in real life. It's given me a greater understanding of people, and where and how to seek my equal rights.

But above all, it's taught me we all have things in common - even when we think we do not. It's taught me to have patience, to seek results where they might realistically be available, and above all, to forgive. I may not like some people, but I can sure as hell have empathy for them - even when they are severely fucked up. But I do not expect them to grant my freedom. I expect my Government to do that. And if it doesn't, well, when the youngest moves out, I'm just going to quit filing taxes and sue the fucking government for failing to represent me.

My kids will visit me :)

One year later...

Same bat time, same bat channel.

It was like a case of Deja Vu - except I was kind of expecting it this time. I'll admit, Prop 8 caught me totally off guard. Question 1 didn't. I know what happens when the rights of the few are handed over to the ballot box of the many.

I'll admit, I'm disappointed. I am not, however, shocked - as I was in November of 2008. When groups like NOM, and large religious groups (the Mormons in CA, the Catholics in Maine) are allowed to contribute to political campaigns, the result is always such.

What most people don't understand is *why* it works this way. To me, it's pretty simple. Bear in mind, I grew up in a Southern Baptist environment, and was shuttled into a conservative Lutheran church in adolescence. But enough of those experiences stuck with me to understand this: People fear God.

So after being subjected to the dishonest NOM ads, and the Catholic lectures about how homosexuality is an abomination, and passing marriage equality would mean homosexuality would be taught to your children in school, well, let's just say some of these voters had overwhelming religious reasons to vote Yes on 1.

Think of it this way, as a fully indoctrinated conservative Christian of any stripe - who has been taught to fear and abhor homosexuality - what would you feel walking up to the voting booth? Well, if I still bought into that garbage, I'd feel like God was watching me, and judging me. I'd be worried about going to hell if I voted "wrong."

That's what these people are taught - and what NOM and the Catholic church reinforced in their rallies, speeches, and ads in Maine. They guilt-ed these people into voting Yes on 1. Much as they did in California on Prop 8. I don't hold the people responsible - but I do hold a political process that allows these people to vote on the rights of people who may or may not share their religious faith responsible.

Civil Rights are not something to be "voted" on. If it were, do you honestly think black and white couples would be able to marry today? People complain about how there's no comparison between the Black community's struggle for Equal Rights and GLBT rights - but I say those people are wrong.

What it comes down to is this - we are different, GLBT's. We are not hetero-normative families, and we have ALWAYS been denied equal rights in this country. We even have a better argument than the African-American slaves did - we PAY TAXES! We pay for rights we are not allowed. We pay for heterosexual benefits - yet we are denied those same benefits.

We might not be slaves in the technical sense of the word, but, by (your) god, we are slaves. We contribute monies to your - "your" being all the heterosexual families in this country - retirement and benefit systems. Yet, our families do not benefit from those dollars. If that isn't a form of slavery - or extortion - I don't know what is!

If heterosexuals were expected to pour tax dollars into a tax system they did not benefit from, how loud do you think they would protest? A whole lot louder than we have, for certain. A gay man or woman cannot even sponsor a spouse from a foreign country in America. Yet, our tax dollars assure that a heterosexual man or woman can. Many gay couples cannot obtain insurance for their partner or children - yet heterosexuals can. The families of our partners can drive up upon their death and take everything - they can't do that to legally married couples, now can they?

The fact is, there are gay families in America. There have been for years. Yet, those families are denied rights that they PAY for. There is no justice in that. But the religious organizations that are allowed to launch campaigns in an effort to vote away our rights never discuss these issues. They know they would lose if they did. Instead, they pull the religion card, and dismiss our rights legally by asserting that we would somehow corrupt their children and destroy their families.

Sorry, Maggie, but my mom was straight. And your argument is laughable.

It's time for reform. It's time to stop allowing churches and religious organizations like NOM to participate in the voting process. It's time to take Religion firmly out of Civil Rights - and politics in general. It's time to change the laws that allow these fear-mongerers to influence the political process.

It's time for change, folks. Real change.