Nov. 7th, 2008

Well, I got through 5 hours of work before I started randomly tearing up. So maybe the worst has passed. I hope so. I hate when I get like this. And I really can't think of anything else I want pierced.

I'm eliminating the wellbutrin. I think it was making this harder than it had to be. Granted, it's never easy to come to grips with 30 states thinking you're a worthless piece of shit. Including the most progressive State in the Union. Hell, even the girl from Cali and the black dude who finally got me talking couldn't understand it. Black folks KNOW prejudice. Why on EARTH they would be party to propagating it is anyone's guess. Well, aside from religion, that is. They both saw that. And both thought it a very narrow-minded excuse.

It's a shame we can't export open-mindedness from Austin. Because it's a pretty great town in that respect. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by a high degree of narrow-minded bigotry - aka Texas. I'm thinking of writing a book. I want to call it "Closets Are For Clothes". (consider that copyrighted, folks) Or maybe, "How the U.S. Government Reinforced my Family's Retarded Belief-System". Nah, I like the first one better. I should be sleeping right now. But I seem to be having trouble with that. I slept TOO much this afternoon - which is why Lulu walked home to get me up to get Annie. And I couldn't nap before work when I tried to. And I was up FOREVER yesterday. And I have to get Ele this afternoon - and go by base because apparently there's a meter-rate change no one mentioned when I went to base Tuesday to replace the tire, or Wednesday to pay my lease. I'm guessing it's a downward adjustment - since the announcement just said "change", not "increase". Figures.

And yes, I am bipolar. I don't doubt it anymore. Not after this week. As fast as I slid to the bottom of my barrel on Wednesday morning, I no longer question it. And I'm quite sure the anti-depressants helped that slide, immensely. Granted, it got me in touch with a LOT of shit I had glossed over. The sheer impact of the realization that THIS (THIS being the universal hatred directed at people like me in our beloved country) is WHY I repressed my attraction to women in the first place, was invaluable.

And even the brouhaha the conservative Christians (and don't kid yourself Jen, it WAS about religion - just a really warped idea of that particular religion) stirred up in California may just be a good thing in the long run. Because it will infuriate people like me - people who have held their secrets so long, then risked 'coming out' only to be slapped in the face by an ignorant populace. By fearful people who treat me as a subhuman freak. I am NOT subhuman. And I WILL NOT settle for Second-Class citizenship. This is one bitch who ain't gonna sit on the back of the bus (and Goddess bless you, Rosa Parks).

I've watched this drama play out before. With the African-American population, the Hispanics, the Asians (especially after Vietnam), even with Women's Rights in the 70's - and believe me women didn't really HAVE a lot of rights in the 1970's, voting notwithstanding. And what we have to do from here is educate people - whether they like it or not. Nobody likes having to face facts. Hell, I've faced them kicking and screaming most of my life. But it's time. It's due. And it's necessary. And it's urgent.

And if nothing else, it will give me something to live for once my kids have all left home. I was wondering what excuse I was gonna use then, anyway. Now, I know.

My goal is to prove to a bunch of closed-minded people that I AM human. And deserve to be treated as such. And provided I can survive that internal voice that keeps wanting to kill me, I will pour every ounce of strength I have into that goal. I can't make promises on that part - it's a really loud, annoying voice. And it sounds a lot like my maternal grandmother. But I'm going to die trying, that much I promise. I will not be deemed insignificant. Because I matter. I count. And so do all my brothers and sisters who are facing this discriminatory, hateful, and fear-based legal discrimination.

We are queer. Hear us fucking roar.

Or write. Either way, maybe it will save some poor crazy christian's kid from going through what I went through.
And that alone would be worth it.
Because nobody should have to feel that bad for being themselves.

We, too, shall overcome.

Nov. 6th, 2008

I may need to get something pierced at this point.

The anger and the sadness I've felt the last 36 hours have apparently triggered a depressive episode. I can't stop crying. It'll stop for a bit, then the feelings start bubbling up again, until I'm crying uncontrollably. And I know that the shock of having California, of all places - as well as the 29 other states in the last few years - declare me sub-human is what set it off. But it's going well beyond what it should be, in my opinion.

Yes, it dug up a LOT of feelings that caused me to refuse to admit I was gay for 41 years. But it's out-of-control at this point. It's like my reaction to ending my friendships with Magan or Angie now. Just spontaneous tears, and an inability to regain an emotional center. I'm stuck in despair. And it sucks. I was up for more than 36 hours on 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I'm not well.

I may discontinue the wellbutrin tomorrow if I don't feel better by then. It could be contributing to this. Anti-depressants have been known to cause deep depression in people with manic-depressive tendencies. But right now, I'm stuck in a down place. And it feels godawful. And except for the ones I love, I hate straight people. And I am so disappointed in the lack of justice in this country that it's not remotely funny. And I still can't believe that in the year 2008 we have SO MANY narrow-minded people within our borders.

And you know, I'm really, really proud of Barack Obama. He stood up against a population well-known for it's prejudice, and he overcame. And I sorta resent that the hammerheads in California had to spoil that for me. As he said "We are and always will be, the United States of America". I'm just waiting to be a part of that. Because right now, I'm not. Not in my heart. Not even in my head.

My America doesn't even exist. Because in MY America, I have as much value as anyone else. And the same rights AND privileges as anyone else. But that isn't the America I live in - not in reality. In reality, I can still be hated and judged on the basis of my sexual orientation. I can still be limited, and have my rights limited, by my orientation. Because America HAS NOT EVOLVED to the point that it can accept me as human.

And coming to terms with that is horribly difficult. Especially now that I FEEL it. Now that I understand just HOW MUCH half the population of America despises me and my kind. And it hurts, more than I can express. More than I even understood as a child on a concious level. More than I imagined.

Obama said repeatedly, "Yes, we can!" But my little minority was not included in that statement. This New America is not mine. Your God does not bless me - but his followers condemn me every chance they get. And they don't EVEN KNOW ME. And I grew up afraid of that god, and his followers. And afraid to be honest about who I am and who I love. And goddammit, I'm sick to death of settling for what I can get from this country.

I want EQUAL footing. EQUAL rights. I want what EVERYBODY else already has.

I want to be validated - by my country.
And I want to stop fucking crying.

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Nov. 5th, 2008

I feel like Charlie Brown - just as he realizes Lucy has yanked the football away, yet again.
I think this is called 'despair'.

The landslide election of Obama seemed to portend something hopeful. And I felt hopeful. But when the State of California - California of ALL places! -chose to send the message that I am a Second-Class Citizen, along with every other gay person in America, I lost hope. It was bad enough when Texas did it. And all the other states that have singled us out and refused us the same rights every living, breathing, heterosexual on the whole damn planet has. Even the ones in prison, for crying-out-loud.

But when the State of California granted that right to gay people - then viciously yanked it away - well, it has destroyed my faith in the process of democracy. And what little faith I had in the good intentions of other people. It would appear my initial judgment was correct - most people suck. And in large groups, they just suck harder.

And what really pains me, is that according to exit polls, a large part of what passed Prop 8 were the very voters who put Obama over the top - the African American vote. Followed in racial order by Hispanics and whites. But mainly, it was a decision they based on religion - those who attended church regularly were more likely to vote for the proposition. Those who didn't, voted against. And my ex-sponsor couldn't understand my resentment against organized religion. Of course, he was a Catholic.

But at least I've moved past hating on Gods to hating on people's stupidity. Because that's why I'm sad today. People are just fucking stupid. And inconsiderate as all hell. You'd think after everything the African-American race has been through, they'd have a little tolerance, or at least compassion. But no, they don't. Not for queers, anyway. Not if it violates their religious beliefs. Which, incidentally, don't have a damn thing to do with MY life.

And I know it's not just them - but it is Christianity - I'd bet my pulse on that. All of these individual states that have passed gay-marriage bans targeted their Christian voters to do so. And yet, no one can explain how a same-sex couple being married is going to hurt them - or even directly affect them. No one can explain a VALID reason for subjugating us to Second-Class Citizenship. Because there isn't one. Just as there was no reason to prohibit inter-racial couples from marrying. But they sure as hell tried, years ago.

Legislating morality is central to American Christianity. I can't for the life of me understand why, but it is. I suppose part of it is that need for belonging. And in order to belong to a group, there has to be some definitive difference between the people in that group, and others outside the group. Thus, the sense of belonging. I think they accomplish this by finding a common enemy.

In 12-step programs, which are all about belonging, the enemy is usually drugs and alcohol. In Christianity, it seems to be beliefs, and what they deem 'normal' moral values. And anything that deviates from the group consensus of 'normal' is defined as 'other'. Or, outside the group. And is attacked, for being different, and in their eyes, unacceptable. For many years, the target of this 'otherness' was often ethnic minorities - blacks and Hispanics, specifically. Although, thanks to WWII the Asian population enjoyed a good stint as the object of the general public's ire. And you can bet the fact they weren't considered 'Good Christians' came into play there. Hell, even early Italian and Irish and other immigrants got a taste of this particular brand of Christianity - since they practiced a different brand of Christianity - and thus were different.

Various other targets have been booze - see "Prohibition" -working moms, rock & roll, non-Christian religions, book bans and book burning, and, of course, abortion. I'm sure there are more, but frankly, that's enough. And while my oldest might argue that attitudes are changing - or even that it isn't the religion itself, but individuals who get a hair up their ass in a religious group or family - I have to say I have seen some of the most atrocious behavior from church groups in the last ten years or so than I EVER recall as a child.

Yes, back in the Stone Age they were just pretty much discriminatory across the board - because they could get away with it then. But these days, they have a Cause of the Week. Whether it's a children's book, or Gay Marriage, or some shit on TV, there's always something for these people to get their panties in a wad about.

And my argument is that they do it NOT because their religion dictates this judgmental behavior in any way, shape, or form - but because it gives them something to band together against. Because they need a common enemy. To reinforce their sense of belonging. And they've exhausted most of their options. Therefore, they attack 'The Gays'. And we have been under attack for years now. And it's getting pretty fucking old.

And the WORST part, is that this is a FEDERAL ISSUE. We are being denied protection under the law - the same protection the African-American community avails itself of. And has, for years. The same protection that grants the privilege of marriage to Heterosexuals in the first place. Equal Protection Under The Law. I am not protected under this law because the Christian Right has learned to manipulate the system on a State to State basis. It IS a FEDERAL ISSUE. And the laws are being manipulated by manipulating the voters. And THE CHURCHES are working to manipulate the fucking voters.

But our side is afraid to pursue it as a Federal Issue. Because if we lose, we're screwed. Permanently.

I hate organized religion. With a passion. But I hate the morons who can't fucking think for themselves worse. And yes, hate is a strong word - but put yourself in my shoes for a few YEARS and see if you feel tons of compassion for people who seem to thrive on making you feel like you have the social value of a dog. If that.

I'm angry. And sad. And depressed. And I think America, and the so-called Americans who voted to reduce my rights really, really suck. And quite frankly, I understand now why I wanted to die as a kid. Beyond my fucked-up family - and friends who disappeared when they found out I liked girls. People suck. And people who vote to make me feel disenfranchised suck loudly. And they do nothing to inspire my compassion or patience. If anything, they make me wish I had died. It would have been easier to deal with.

Because trying to 'hang in there' just ain't working for me. Trying to maintain a positive attitude in the face of overt discrimination and incredible American ignorance is not feasible. Granted, it's probably just as crappy anywhere else. But that doesn't make it acceptable.

Fuck this planet. Fuck this country. Fuck Obama. And fuck off.

I am in a mood.
And while I'm sure it will change, just as soon as I adjust to the idea that I am a Second CLASS CITIZEN, right this minute I hate everyone.

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But for the record...

If California passes Proposition 8, I'm just going to be disgusted. And I think it's damn time we had a U.S. CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT to treat everyone the same in respect to unions of marriage - civil or otherwise.

I am NOT a second-class citizen.
And I won't act like one.
Even if I never want to get married again - to a male or female.
It just ain't right.

But it is MY RIGHT if I choose to do so.


Edit:
My question is this: Why do people fear allowing gays to marry? It can't just be religion - they break enough of those 'laws' on a regular basis as it is. What is the psychological fear in the heterosexual community that causes them to repeatedly squash our rights on the basis of our homosexuality? Why are we the last "safe" target? What are they really afraid of?

I want to figure this out. And I want to participate in future efforts to resolve this issue. If we can elect an African-American as President, we can damn well put this shit to bed, dont'cha think?

Because if we can't, I'm leaving once they're all on their own - all FOUR of my DEMOCRATIC voters. This crap has caused me enough grief. From growing up around people who said I'd go to hell because of who I was attracted to, to the judgmental assholes who shaped my psychopathology. And who the hell needs a country that treats you like this? Who the hell WANTS to live in a country that treats you like this?

I don't.

And I won't, if things don't change. I'm sick to death of being treated like I'm defective because of the people I care about - the people I'm sexually attracted to - who happen to be of the same sex. What, and seriously - what?!? - makes white heterosexuals (and a handful of hispanics, per the polls) think they have ANY RIGHT to determine how I live my life if it isn't chapping their hide?

And Austin Celebrated...

Ele was first with the news at 10:06pm - she texted me "Obama won!!!"

That was on my way down 5th from Mopac. By the time I reached 6th and Brazos, you could hear cheering everywhere. People were celebrating. With their voices, their car horns, and many a 'happy dance'.

This was the scene outside the Driskill:

Shortly after, the APD barricaded 6th Street from Red River to Congress, as the celebration spread out of the bars and into the streets. More parties are planned this weekend to celebrate the long-awaited victory.

But, this being Texas, even the people who voted for Obama were cautiously cheerful when they got in the cab - until they were sure of who I voted for. Politics is a touchy subject down here - especially this election. After all, we not only got the first Democrat in the highest office in 8 years - but the first person of color - ever. And as I told the young black woman I drove home from Denny's after overhearing her mention to someone on the phone - very casually - "Did you hear Obama won?", Obama didn't just win - he kicked ass.

I think my favorite conversation was with the Indian Graduate Student. He had caught the bus downtown from the airport, and I was driving him the rest of the way home. He was hopefully optimistic that this was a true sign of change. I suspect a lot of people feel that way. But what really hit me, was as I left his complex, after a very pleasant conversation on hope - I noticed the stop sign as I pulled back up to Lake Austin Boulevard. Someone had spray painted the word "WAR" under the "STOP" part. This is one of the things I love about Austin :)

But, I think my Wal-Mart clerk was in shock. This is a nice, young, white, Christian kid. And he's horribly disappointed, and afraid. Actually, I think he's in shock. So much so that he began discussing his views on abortion and gay marriage as he checked my groceries. I tried to explain to him, that despite his insistence that granting people like me a 'civil union' may be the same as marriage (he supports the former), that treating us as second-class citizens because we ARE gay, is not cool. And I pointed out to him, that while we may disagree on abortion - there is a lot about it we do agree on. I feel kind of sorry for the right-wing Christians. Their world has been rocked.

Hopefully, they'll adapt. Because I believe we will see change from this event. Not instantaneous change, of course. But the very fact that America looked past it's prejudices (and trust me, even the most open-minded of us - especially down south - have them) and elected Barack Obama to the highest office in our country, speaks volumes. I never believed I would see it happen in my lifetime. But I get goosebumps just thinking about it. Because it's pretty damn awesome.

I think it may mean America is finally ready to grow up. And it's about damn time. I also think this will be enormously helpful to the african-american community. It has the potential to give them a sense of ownership in this country that they have lacked. They have been a disenfranchised people for too long, in a psychological sense. Hell, it gives me a sense of pride. Maybe it was my Aunt telling my mom I looked like a little Mexican as an infant - but frankly, I've always felt like an outsider in white-bread society. I can't imagine how intimidating mainstream white society is for folks of completely different ethnic backgrounds. But I'm willing to bet this gives some people a sense of ownership - and belonging.

And while I still feel the President is not the end-all and be-all of politics - since a lot of other factors come into play that make the Presidency more of a figurehead role - I do think Obama will be good for this country psychologically, as long as he doesn't fuck-up too much. He has the charisma of JFK, and the manner of an educated gentleman. And he's fought some really impossible odds to get where he is this moment. I'm betting his grandma is damn proud of him.

And a lot of people here were, too. Happy, proud, relieved. Except for the occasional Republican, who was generally just quiet, or trying to pretend it didn't matter - except for my friend at Wal-Mart, of course. I think he was just shocked and dismayed. But hopefully he, and the rest of that segment of the population, will get over it enough to attempt to work together on making this world a better place. At least they've taken the McCain signs down in my neighborhood, which is quite an improvement to me :)

But the most bizarre thing tonight was the $10 dollar tip from the guy who works at HEB - because he considered me a Good Samaritan for calling in a drunk driver to APD. Why wouldn't you call in somebody who could kill somebody else? Oh, and I finally reported a runner - two kids I picked up on 6th street. They were young teens - and it occurred to me to ask for cash - but I figured I was going to take them to the N. Lamar bus station anyway, since I couldn't in good conscience leave them alone on West 6th. But I did call the cops when they bolted. I didn't stay for the police report - what's the point? But I reported them and told the cop who called back I'd be happy to meet up with them if they spotted them. You have to teach people what consequences are for behaviors. I only learned this recently, after two years of getting ripped off every two or three months. But I figure it's time I make an effort to hold people accountable.

But even that incident couldn't spoil tonight. It was just too sweet a victory.
Besides, Karma's a bitch...they'll figure that out sooner or later.

But tonight, tonight was joyous: