And then I realized, after watching a hilarious Monty-Pythonesque rendition of Shakespeare on youtube with my kids, that darn it, being depressed doesn't change a damn thing. And what I want, more than anything right now, is change.
However, the only way to create change is through effort. Effort is hard when you're depressed. But nothing changes if you don't make a decision to do something - then do it.
And that's the problem. So many kids in the state I grew up in become so depressed, they either give up and try to fit the mold their families and communities created for them, or they give up and become addicted to substances, or worse yet, end their lives.
I want to do something about that. I want to give these kids an 'out'. I want to give them someone to turn to when they feel like they have NO ONE they can talk to. I want to help them avoid what I went through. I want to give them hope.
But I'm not really sure how to accomplish that. I've started a facebook group, but that's not much. I need contacts in Texas. I need people to work with, people to support this effort. Because we need to overcome this prejudice, and the shame associated with being gay in the South. We have so *much* we need to do.
We have thousands of kids out there struggling with their identity. Many of them have been brought up in religious environments that make them feel like horrible people because they find themselves attracted to the same sex. And I'm not just talking about GAY kids here - I'm also talking about Bisexuals, transgendered kids, AND gay kids.
We have a large population of adolescents and young people we do very little for. We leave them to their families and communities, many of which are not exactly supportive of their personal, internal experiences. Not that I think they're intentionally non-supportive. Some of them just don't know better, or were just brought up to believe certain things. That doesn't make them bad. But it does make them ill-equipped to help a child dealing with these issues.
When someone is brought up in a religiously conservative environment, the realization that one does not "fit-in" can be overwhelming. Often to the point of self-abusive or suicidal behavior. I don't believe these people want to lose their kids to this kind of depression. But I do believe a lot of these kids need our help.
And I don't think some of these folks are equipped to help them. That's why I think we need more grassroots effort to give these kids the support they need. If it keeps one kid from killing themselves out of shame, it would be worthwhile.
In San Francisco, there has been a long-standing Gay & Lesbian center. No such thing exists in Austin. Even the GSA (gay-straight-alliance) organizations in High Schools are scarce in Texas. And it's time we correct that. These kids NEED our help. They need to know that realizing they are gay is not the end of their world.
Because the fact is, some kids are gay. They can't help that. They can't change that. Believe me, I tried, for over 25 years. Guess what? I was still gay. And I am not alone there. I have met many people in the last 4 years who didn't even admit they were gay until their 30's or 40's.
Being gay is not a choice. Believe me, if it were, I wouldn't be gay. No one wants to be ostracized, or disowned, or hated by people you've never met. But it's something we have to face when we come out, especially for some of us in the South. Places like Texas, and other Southern states, are not exactly hospitable when you come out as gay - or even Bi. God help you if you're transgendered.
But the fact is, these issues come up fairly early for most kids. Like the 4-year-old I had in a pre-school class in the late 80's, who spent his time playing with My Little Ponies with the girls. The child was constantly abused by his peers - despite my best efforts. And the fact is, until the parents down South realize that tolerance is an admirable trait, it will continue.
But people down here won't *learn* tolerance until they understand that even their family members might be part of the glbt community. And those members of the glbt community who are either hiding in the closet, or killing themselves to avoid the pain of ostracization, will not "come out" until we give them a safe means of doing so. Their families won't provide that. So it's up to the rest of us.
It's on our heads when these kids die, or condemn themselves to a miserable marriage to avoid their families rejection. They can't always do this alone. Sometimes, they need help. They need support, like any human being. Maybe that's why the Christian Right really fears books like "My Two Mommies" in school libraries. Maybe that's why they fear gay people - because they fear that their relatives will come out of the closet. Because they're there. I know they are. I was. And they have to know they're there, too.
But those people won't help them. They'll encourage their repression. And that has to change. We have to make that change, by providing an outlet for these people. WE have to give them someone to talk to, who isn't going to judge them based on who or what they are, or who they're attracted to. We have to be the family that isn't always available to them.
Again, it's not that their families are "bad". It's just that glbt folks have been so closeted in the South for so long, that a lot of these families haven't had the chance to get used to the idea. It's as much the fault of those of us who remained closeted, as the relatives who encouraged us to. But the only way to break that cycle is to give people somebody to talk to. We need PR, people.
We need a way to hook up distraught and desperate people struggling with their status to people who will listen. We need to provide a supportive environment for kids who are thinking they'd be better off dead. We need to reach out more. Help more. Judge less.
It's a seed right now. I don't know exactly what to do with it. I have ideas. I will explore them. But if anyone reading has ideas or suggestions to share, I am entirely open to that. Just don't tell me I'm gonna burn in hell. I've been there. I have a few scars, but none of them were burn marks.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I wish I could say I'm surprised...
But I'm not.
Disappointed? Yes. Offended? Mightily. Still, I'm not surprised. I would have been more surprised if California's Supreme Court *had* done the right thing. Granted, there are apparently a helluva lot of people in this country that think granting the same rights and privileges enjoyed by every heterosexual in this country (including ME when I was closeted) to gay people, is wrong.
And really, I understand the primal fear so many of those people experience. A lot of it is religion-based. Even though more and more religious groups are pointing out that there's not actually anything IN the bible condemning homosexuality. Even though more and more people are starting to realize that nobody would CHOOSE to be gay. It's what we are. We can't change that. I. Have. Tried.
There's also, imho, a large population of gay and bisexual people in those groups who can't accept their own sexuality yet - and fear ostracization. So they lead the fight against "The Gays". Frankly, those fears are based in reality. Because people who belong to far-right, conservative Christian religions are highly intolerant of homosexuality, as well as many other things.
And that's where Harvey Milk hit the nail on the head: COME OUT!!! It's the only way to get people with different points of view to understand who, what, and where we are. Because we are everywhere. And as much as the Christian Right wants us back in the closet, we still exist. We breathe, we bleed, we cry. Especially on days like this.
However, the fact is, a lot of people are afraid to live their life as an openly gay individual. Again, their fears are valid. But the fact is, if we don't come out and live honestly, nothing will change. If we aren't brave enough to confront our own reality, we cannot expect others to recognize that reality.
Harvey Milk understood this. He understood the necessity of unity and group effort. He understood that as long as people thought we'd be quiet, unobtrusive, and "sit in the back of the bus", so-to-speak, that nothing would change. And face it, change didn't even begin until we, the glbt population, got mad. And started objecting to how we were being treated. Just like Rosa Parks, we declined to stand. We wanted a seat, dammit. From the Stonewall Riots, to Milk's assassination and the ridiculously lenient sentence his assassin was given, to the recent activism for Gay Marriage rights.
And the only way we're going to win this battle is if we all stand up together, and demand that our voices be heard. We must demand the same rights and responsibilities we would have if we pretended we were heterosexual. Because without that, we will not be taken seriously. We need a voice.
While it sucks that we have to go to these lengths to be acknowledged as Americans with the same legal standing and the same rights to the legal privileges granted to ANY other person in our country, it is what it is. And we have to deal with that reality. Otherwise, that reality will deal with us - and not favorably.
We have to be strong, and unified, and diligent. We have to act, as a nationwide community. With the help of those who stand with us, even though our plight doesn't directly affect them. We have to work for this. We shouldn't have to, but we do. And the more of us willing to come out of the shade of heterosexual privilege and face the heat of discrimination, the sooner it will happen.
And consider, gay teenagers are FOUR TIMES more likely to attempt suicide than their peers. Is it any wonder why? Between job discrimination, hate crimes, the rejection they face from intolerant friends and family, and the religious pressure most kids deal with, who wouldn't be suicidal? Add to that a near National hatred for your orientation, and who wouldn't feel suicidal in adolescence?
This is something people who are "hiding" need to think about. Because if YOU don't come out, you are validating the fears of these children. You are contributing to their deaths and addictions by telling them it's NOT okay to be who they are. I wouldn't say this if I didn't know there are a LOT of closeted queers out there. I didn't admit I was gay until I was 41. And yes, I didn't *know*. But mainly, I didn't want to admit it.
That, actually, is the paradox. You can't "admit" you're gay, unless you know it for sure. Yet, if you are repressing your orientation out of fear of the reaction of the people you love, your mind will try to protect you from the truth. It's called "denial", or
Don't
Even
Notice
I
Am
Lying.
And it's something a lot of people do. One of my daughters had a flamingly gay friend who didn't come out until High School was over - because his parents were Christian - and he's still not totally out. I've met a number of women who didn't come out until their late20's, 30's and even 40's. Because it's hard to come out. Especially if you feel threatened.
But 'come out' is what we must do. It's our best chance of being treated like worthy human beings. When people can see that ANYONE could be gay - your father, brother, sister, mother - or goddess forbid, your child - then attitudes will change. The secret will be out. People will have an investment in supporting the rights of our gay children who are so vulnerable and need our support so very much.
It's time for a change of attitude. But we need the support of all those closeted people out there to create it. We need to be Out, and Proud. We need not be ashamed of who we are. And we must teach those who love us that they have no need to be ashamed of who we are, either.
Disappointed? Yes. Offended? Mightily. Still, I'm not surprised. I would have been more surprised if California's Supreme Court *had* done the right thing. Granted, there are apparently a helluva lot of people in this country that think granting the same rights and privileges enjoyed by every heterosexual in this country (including ME when I was closeted) to gay people, is wrong.
And really, I understand the primal fear so many of those people experience. A lot of it is religion-based. Even though more and more religious groups are pointing out that there's not actually anything IN the bible condemning homosexuality. Even though more and more people are starting to realize that nobody would CHOOSE to be gay. It's what we are. We can't change that. I. Have. Tried.
There's also, imho, a large population of gay and bisexual people in those groups who can't accept their own sexuality yet - and fear ostracization. So they lead the fight against "The Gays". Frankly, those fears are based in reality. Because people who belong to far-right, conservative Christian religions are highly intolerant of homosexuality, as well as many other things.
And that's where Harvey Milk hit the nail on the head: COME OUT!!! It's the only way to get people with different points of view to understand who, what, and where we are. Because we are everywhere. And as much as the Christian Right wants us back in the closet, we still exist. We breathe, we bleed, we cry. Especially on days like this.
However, the fact is, a lot of people are afraid to live their life as an openly gay individual. Again, their fears are valid. But the fact is, if we don't come out and live honestly, nothing will change. If we aren't brave enough to confront our own reality, we cannot expect others to recognize that reality.
Harvey Milk understood this. He understood the necessity of unity and group effort. He understood that as long as people thought we'd be quiet, unobtrusive, and "sit in the back of the bus", so-to-speak, that nothing would change. And face it, change didn't even begin until we, the glbt population, got mad. And started objecting to how we were being treated. Just like Rosa Parks, we declined to stand. We wanted a seat, dammit. From the Stonewall Riots, to Milk's assassination and the ridiculously lenient sentence his assassin was given, to the recent activism for Gay Marriage rights.
And the only way we're going to win this battle is if we all stand up together, and demand that our voices be heard. We must demand the same rights and responsibilities we would have if we pretended we were heterosexual. Because without that, we will not be taken seriously. We need a voice.
While it sucks that we have to go to these lengths to be acknowledged as Americans with the same legal standing and the same rights to the legal privileges granted to ANY other person in our country, it is what it is. And we have to deal with that reality. Otherwise, that reality will deal with us - and not favorably.
We have to be strong, and unified, and diligent. We have to act, as a nationwide community. With the help of those who stand with us, even though our plight doesn't directly affect them. We have to work for this. We shouldn't have to, but we do. And the more of us willing to come out of the shade of heterosexual privilege and face the heat of discrimination, the sooner it will happen.
And consider, gay teenagers are FOUR TIMES more likely to attempt suicide than their peers. Is it any wonder why? Between job discrimination, hate crimes, the rejection they face from intolerant friends and family, and the religious pressure most kids deal with, who wouldn't be suicidal? Add to that a near National hatred for your orientation, and who wouldn't feel suicidal in adolescence?
This is something people who are "hiding" need to think about. Because if YOU don't come out, you are validating the fears of these children. You are contributing to their deaths and addictions by telling them it's NOT okay to be who they are. I wouldn't say this if I didn't know there are a LOT of closeted queers out there. I didn't admit I was gay until I was 41. And yes, I didn't *know*. But mainly, I didn't want to admit it.
That, actually, is the paradox. You can't "admit" you're gay, unless you know it for sure. Yet, if you are repressing your orientation out of fear of the reaction of the people you love, your mind will try to protect you from the truth. It's called "denial", or
Don't
Even
Notice
I
Am
Lying.
And it's something a lot of people do. One of my daughters had a flamingly gay friend who didn't come out until High School was over - because his parents were Christian - and he's still not totally out. I've met a number of women who didn't come out until their late20's, 30's and even 40's. Because it's hard to come out. Especially if you feel threatened.
But 'come out' is what we must do. It's our best chance of being treated like worthy human beings. When people can see that ANYONE could be gay - your father, brother, sister, mother - or goddess forbid, your child - then attitudes will change. The secret will be out. People will have an investment in supporting the rights of our gay children who are so vulnerable and need our support so very much.
It's time for a change of attitude. But we need the support of all those closeted people out there to create it. We need to be Out, and Proud. We need not be ashamed of who we are. And we must teach those who love us that they have no need to be ashamed of who we are, either.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Since this is my big ole' gay blog...
This post seems more appropriate here, than in my other blogs. Yes, I have multiple blogs. I have a LOT to say. It comes from being such a quiet child :)
What's on my mind right now, however, is how the rest of the non-gay nation perceives me - and my non-heterosexual children. So this blog is more appropriate. Because this blog is about the sorrow and disappointment I've experienced for so much of my life. It's about the pain one experiences in realizing that one is not attracted to the opposite sex - and that one is, indeed, different.
Myself, I tried REALLY hard not to be different. Through two marriages, and four kids. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be ostracized - which is how I felt at 16 when I admitted to my family and friends that I was (*gasp*) in love with a girl.
And, in my case, it led to decades of self-delusion. Of efforts to be something I was not. "Normal", that is. Heterosexual. Or at the least, "bisexual", which still gave me heterosexual privilege. I wanted to be included, not outcast. Which was how I felt when I tried to 'come out'.
And since "coming out" to myself, I've felt some serious guilt about betraying the rest of the folks who DID come out firmly. Despite the potential losses they faced. I felt like a coward.
I do, however, understand the pressure I was under. I grew up in an area that was predominately Southern Baptist. I watched preachers dunk people in water to 'save their souls'. I refused, but later, when my mother married a Lutheran, I was given the choice between submitting, or losing my privileges to go outdoors.
This is also how I came to be confirmed in the Lutheran Church. I was showing up at confirmation classes stoned out of my gourd, and OD'd by the end, but you know, 'they' could claim I was a Christian. And that was all that mattered. To them. Especially my step-dad.
And decades later, when I admitted to myself - and my brother, who was all that was left of my extended family - that I was actually gay, well, guess who quit speaking to me? It's hard to be gay in this country. And it's hardest on the kids in the South. The pressure of society, family, and even friends, can make the process of coming out-of-the-closet a long, difficult, and laborious one.
Which is why I was so happy when my second-oldest came out at the age of 20. I was 41 when I finally found my way out-of-the-closet. I'm happy for her. She has her whole life ahead of her. And the opportunity to enjoy it being herself. Without hiding herself in a closet of fabulous clothes.
But it disturbs me when people express anti-gay sentiments. Especially those that complain about the prospect of gay marriage. Do you folks really want gay people marrying heterosexuals? We do, you know. To escape your wrath and condemnation. But it hurts everyone involved.
Because no matter how many men I married, or how many children I had, I was still a lesbian. My actions didn't change that. And my actions were not helpful to the men I married.
And while I will ALWAYS be grateful for the kids I had from those relationships - I wish I could have had them with someone who having a relationship with didn't make me want to die. And that's how those relationships with men affected me. Because forcing myself to try to be something I wasn't was so emotionally painful, I came close to not being able to deal with it at all.
And I'm not alone here. I know a lot of women who came out of the closet between 28-44. It's easier for us to hide. We blame it on hormones, or the men themselves. But it's not them - it's us. And our refusal to accept what we really are - Gay. Lesbians. Dykes. Frankly, I sometimes think the gay boys have it easier - even though a lot of them stay in the closet with straight marriages - because their hormones make it really hard to deny.
But for women, it's easy. If I can tolerate your company - or like you - then it's easy to delude myself. I can blame my lack of interest, sexually, on kids, or you being an asshole! But guys tend to know their sexual attractions deviate from the norm - even when they stay in those marriages. I swear, I'm coming back as a gay boy - just so I'll have a better sex life :)
But the result of this sort of denial is that a lot of us enter into marriages where we are unhappy, and often unfaithful, to the people we made vows to. Because we're trying to live up to heterosexual expectations of society. We aren't marrying the people we love. We're marrying the people everyone ELSE expects us to marry.
And I can't begin to explain to a straight person how that feels. I can't impart that sort of empathy. Either you can put yourself in someone else's shoes, or you can't. The closest I've ever come has been in dialogue in the cab:
Straight guy: "But how do you KNOW you're gay?!"
Me: "Let me ask you this: when you think of having sex with another dude, what's your reaction?"
Straight guy: "EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"
Me: "Exactly."
I wasn't created to love men that way. Neither was my second-oldest daughter. Two of my daughters are - that's how they're wired. But for those of us not wired that way, it's a terrible injustice. It's wrong to demand that I lie about who I am and who I'm capable of loving intimately.
And the people who expect me to change that - when I've tried, and found I couldn't - should be ashamed of their egotism. I am not you. I am me. And I cannot love men in an intimate manner. And what right have you to tell me I should be able to? Your god created us both. And it created me as I am.
What's on my mind right now, however, is how the rest of the non-gay nation perceives me - and my non-heterosexual children. So this blog is more appropriate. Because this blog is about the sorrow and disappointment I've experienced for so much of my life. It's about the pain one experiences in realizing that one is not attracted to the opposite sex - and that one is, indeed, different.
Myself, I tried REALLY hard not to be different. Through two marriages, and four kids. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be ostracized - which is how I felt at 16 when I admitted to my family and friends that I was (*gasp*) in love with a girl.
And, in my case, it led to decades of self-delusion. Of efforts to be something I was not. "Normal", that is. Heterosexual. Or at the least, "bisexual", which still gave me heterosexual privilege. I wanted to be included, not outcast. Which was how I felt when I tried to 'come out'.
And since "coming out" to myself, I've felt some serious guilt about betraying the rest of the folks who DID come out firmly. Despite the potential losses they faced. I felt like a coward.
I do, however, understand the pressure I was under. I grew up in an area that was predominately Southern Baptist. I watched preachers dunk people in water to 'save their souls'. I refused, but later, when my mother married a Lutheran, I was given the choice between submitting, or losing my privileges to go outdoors.
This is also how I came to be confirmed in the Lutheran Church. I was showing up at confirmation classes stoned out of my gourd, and OD'd by the end, but you know, 'they' could claim I was a Christian. And that was all that mattered. To them. Especially my step-dad.
And decades later, when I admitted to myself - and my brother, who was all that was left of my extended family - that I was actually gay, well, guess who quit speaking to me? It's hard to be gay in this country. And it's hardest on the kids in the South. The pressure of society, family, and even friends, can make the process of coming out-of-the-closet a long, difficult, and laborious one.
Which is why I was so happy when my second-oldest came out at the age of 20. I was 41 when I finally found my way out-of-the-closet. I'm happy for her. She has her whole life ahead of her. And the opportunity to enjoy it being herself. Without hiding herself in a closet of fabulous clothes.
But it disturbs me when people express anti-gay sentiments. Especially those that complain about the prospect of gay marriage. Do you folks really want gay people marrying heterosexuals? We do, you know. To escape your wrath and condemnation. But it hurts everyone involved.
Because no matter how many men I married, or how many children I had, I was still a lesbian. My actions didn't change that. And my actions were not helpful to the men I married.
And while I will ALWAYS be grateful for the kids I had from those relationships - I wish I could have had them with someone who having a relationship with didn't make me want to die. And that's how those relationships with men affected me. Because forcing myself to try to be something I wasn't was so emotionally painful, I came close to not being able to deal with it at all.
And I'm not alone here. I know a lot of women who came out of the closet between 28-44. It's easier for us to hide. We blame it on hormones, or the men themselves. But it's not them - it's us. And our refusal to accept what we really are - Gay. Lesbians. Dykes. Frankly, I sometimes think the gay boys have it easier - even though a lot of them stay in the closet with straight marriages - because their hormones make it really hard to deny.
But for women, it's easy. If I can tolerate your company - or like you - then it's easy to delude myself. I can blame my lack of interest, sexually, on kids, or you being an asshole! But guys tend to know their sexual attractions deviate from the norm - even when they stay in those marriages. I swear, I'm coming back as a gay boy - just so I'll have a better sex life :)
But the result of this sort of denial is that a lot of us enter into marriages where we are unhappy, and often unfaithful, to the people we made vows to. Because we're trying to live up to heterosexual expectations of society. We aren't marrying the people we love. We're marrying the people everyone ELSE expects us to marry.
And I can't begin to explain to a straight person how that feels. I can't impart that sort of empathy. Either you can put yourself in someone else's shoes, or you can't. The closest I've ever come has been in dialogue in the cab:
Straight guy: "But how do you KNOW you're gay?!"
Me: "Let me ask you this: when you think of having sex with another dude, what's your reaction?"
Straight guy: "EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"
Me: "Exactly."
I wasn't created to love men that way. Neither was my second-oldest daughter. Two of my daughters are - that's how they're wired. But for those of us not wired that way, it's a terrible injustice. It's wrong to demand that I lie about who I am and who I'm capable of loving intimately.
And the people who expect me to change that - when I've tried, and found I couldn't - should be ashamed of their egotism. I am not you. I am me. And I cannot love men in an intimate manner. And what right have you to tell me I should be able to? Your god created us both. And it created me as I am.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I've let this blog lie a while. Mostly, I was busy trying to keep my head above water when the Taxi business started tanking. The other side, is that I didn't want to think about it.
I quit dating about 18 months ago, after that last obsessive twit. So it wasn't really an issue for me. I don't ever plan on getting married again. Granted, I've never been married to a woman, but that's beside the point. I don't even plan on marrying one of those, if I could.
But then one of my kids came home from her first date and announced she was gay. That changes everything. Everything. Because it ain't just my battle anymore. It's my kids battle. And I'll fight harder for my kids than anything on Heaven or Earth.
And I pity the misguided conservative who thinks I won't. This is war.
I quit dating about 18 months ago, after that last obsessive twit. So it wasn't really an issue for me. I don't ever plan on getting married again. Granted, I've never been married to a woman, but that's beside the point. I don't even plan on marrying one of those, if I could.
But then one of my kids came home from her first date and announced she was gay. That changes everything. Everything. Because it ain't just my battle anymore. It's my kids battle. And I'll fight harder for my kids than anything on Heaven or Earth.
And I pity the misguided conservative who thinks I won't. This is war.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Nov. 7th, 2008
Well, I got through 5 hours of work before I started randomly tearing up. So maybe the worst has passed. I hope so. I hate when I get like this. And I really can't think of anything else I want pierced.
I'm eliminating the wellbutrin. I think it was making this harder than it had to be. Granted, it's never easy to come to grips with 30 states thinking you're a worthless piece of shit. Including the most progressive State in the Union. Hell, even the girl from Cali and the black dude who finally got me talking couldn't understand it. Black folks KNOW prejudice. Why on EARTH they would be party to propagating it is anyone's guess. Well, aside from religion, that is. They both saw that. And both thought it a very narrow-minded excuse.
It's a shame we can't export open-mindedness from Austin. Because it's a pretty great town in that respect. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by a high degree of narrow-minded bigotry - aka Texas. I'm thinking of writing a book. I want to call it "Closets Are For Clothes". (consider that copyrighted, folks) Or maybe, "How the U.S. Government Reinforced my Family's Retarded Belief-System". Nah, I like the first one better. I should be sleeping right now. But I seem to be having trouble with that. I slept TOO much this afternoon - which is why Lulu walked home to get me up to get Annie. And I couldn't nap before work when I tried to. And I was up FOREVER yesterday. And I have to get Ele this afternoon - and go by base because apparently there's a meter-rate change no one mentioned when I went to base Tuesday to replace the tire, or Wednesday to pay my lease. I'm guessing it's a downward adjustment - since the announcement just said "change", not "increase". Figures.
And yes, I am bipolar. I don't doubt it anymore. Not after this week. As fast as I slid to the bottom of my barrel on Wednesday morning, I no longer question it. And I'm quite sure the anti-depressants helped that slide, immensely. Granted, it got me in touch with a LOT of shit I had glossed over. The sheer impact of the realization that THIS (THIS being the universal hatred directed at people like me in our beloved country) is WHY I repressed my attraction to women in the first place, was invaluable.
And even the brouhaha the conservative Christians (and don't kid yourself Jen, it WAS about religion - just a really warped idea of that particular religion) stirred up in California may just be a good thing in the long run. Because it will infuriate people like me - people who have held their secrets so long, then risked 'coming out' only to be slapped in the face by an ignorant populace. By fearful people who treat me as a subhuman freak. I am NOT subhuman. And I WILL NOT settle for Second-Class citizenship. This is one bitch who ain't gonna sit on the back of the bus (and Goddess bless you, Rosa Parks).
I've watched this drama play out before. With the African-American population, the Hispanics, the Asians (especially after Vietnam), even with Women's Rights in the 70's - and believe me women didn't really HAVE a lot of rights in the 1970's, voting notwithstanding. And what we have to do from here is educate people - whether they like it or not. Nobody likes having to face facts. Hell, I've faced them kicking and screaming most of my life. But it's time. It's due. And it's necessary. And it's urgent.
And if nothing else, it will give me something to live for once my kids have all left home. I was wondering what excuse I was gonna use then, anyway. Now, I know.
My goal is to prove to a bunch of closed-minded people that I AM human. And deserve to be treated as such. And provided I can survive that internal voice that keeps wanting to kill me, I will pour every ounce of strength I have into that goal. I can't make promises on that part - it's a really loud, annoying voice. And it sounds a lot like my maternal grandmother. But I'm going to die trying, that much I promise. I will not be deemed insignificant. Because I matter. I count. And so do all my brothers and sisters who are facing this discriminatory, hateful, and fear-based legal discrimination.
We are queer. Hear us fucking roar.
Or write. Either way, maybe it will save some poor crazy christian's kid from going through what I went through.
And that alone would be worth it.
Because nobody should have to feel that bad for being themselves.
We, too, shall overcome.
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I'm eliminating the wellbutrin. I think it was making this harder than it had to be. Granted, it's never easy to come to grips with 30 states thinking you're a worthless piece of shit. Including the most progressive State in the Union. Hell, even the girl from Cali and the black dude who finally got me talking couldn't understand it. Black folks KNOW prejudice. Why on EARTH they would be party to propagating it is anyone's guess. Well, aside from religion, that is. They both saw that. And both thought it a very narrow-minded excuse.
It's a shame we can't export open-mindedness from Austin. Because it's a pretty great town in that respect. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by a high degree of narrow-minded bigotry - aka Texas. I'm thinking of writing a book. I want to call it "Closets Are For Clothes". (consider that copyrighted, folks) Or maybe, "How the U.S. Government Reinforced my Family's Retarded Belief-System". Nah, I like the first one better. I should be sleeping right now. But I seem to be having trouble with that. I slept TOO much this afternoon - which is why Lulu walked home to get me up to get Annie. And I couldn't nap before work when I tried to. And I was up FOREVER yesterday. And I have to get Ele this afternoon - and go by base because apparently there's a meter-rate change no one mentioned when I went to base Tuesday to replace the tire, or Wednesday to pay my lease. I'm guessing it's a downward adjustment - since the announcement just said "change", not "increase". Figures.
And yes, I am bipolar. I don't doubt it anymore. Not after this week. As fast as I slid to the bottom of my barrel on Wednesday morning, I no longer question it. And I'm quite sure the anti-depressants helped that slide, immensely. Granted, it got me in touch with a LOT of shit I had glossed over. The sheer impact of the realization that THIS (THIS being the universal hatred directed at people like me in our beloved country) is WHY I repressed my attraction to women in the first place, was invaluable.
And even the brouhaha the conservative Christians (and don't kid yourself Jen, it WAS about religion - just a really warped idea of that particular religion) stirred up in California may just be a good thing in the long run. Because it will infuriate people like me - people who have held their secrets so long, then risked 'coming out' only to be slapped in the face by an ignorant populace. By fearful people who treat me as a subhuman freak. I am NOT subhuman. And I WILL NOT settle for Second-Class citizenship. This is one bitch who ain't gonna sit on the back of the bus (and Goddess bless you, Rosa Parks).
I've watched this drama play out before. With the African-American population, the Hispanics, the Asians (especially after Vietnam), even with Women's Rights in the 70's - and believe me women didn't really HAVE a lot of rights in the 1970's, voting notwithstanding. And what we have to do from here is educate people - whether they like it or not. Nobody likes having to face facts. Hell, I've faced them kicking and screaming most of my life. But it's time. It's due. And it's necessary. And it's urgent.
And if nothing else, it will give me something to live for once my kids have all left home. I was wondering what excuse I was gonna use then, anyway. Now, I know.
My goal is to prove to a bunch of closed-minded people that I AM human. And deserve to be treated as such. And provided I can survive that internal voice that keeps wanting to kill me, I will pour every ounce of strength I have into that goal. I can't make promises on that part - it's a really loud, annoying voice. And it sounds a lot like my maternal grandmother. But I'm going to die trying, that much I promise. I will not be deemed insignificant. Because I matter. I count. And so do all my brothers and sisters who are facing this discriminatory, hateful, and fear-based legal discrimination.
We are queer. Hear us fucking roar.
Or write. Either way, maybe it will save some poor crazy christian's kid from going through what I went through.
And that alone would be worth it.
Because nobody should have to feel that bad for being themselves.
We, too, shall overcome.
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Nov. 6th, 2008
I may need to get something pierced at this point.
The anger and the sadness I've felt the last 36 hours have apparently triggered a depressive episode. I can't stop crying. It'll stop for a bit, then the feelings start bubbling up again, until I'm crying uncontrollably. And I know that the shock of having California, of all places - as well as the 29 other states in the last few years - declare me sub-human is what set it off. But it's going well beyond what it should be, in my opinion.
Yes, it dug up a LOT of feelings that caused me to refuse to admit I was gay for 41 years. But it's out-of-control at this point. It's like my reaction to ending my friendships with Magan or Angie now. Just spontaneous tears, and an inability to regain an emotional center. I'm stuck in despair. And it sucks. I was up for more than 36 hours on 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I'm not well.
I may discontinue the wellbutrin tomorrow if I don't feel better by then. It could be contributing to this. Anti-depressants have been known to cause deep depression in people with manic-depressive tendencies. But right now, I'm stuck in a down place. And it feels godawful. And except for the ones I love, I hate straight people. And I am so disappointed in the lack of justice in this country that it's not remotely funny. And I still can't believe that in the year 2008 we have SO MANY narrow-minded people within our borders.
And you know, I'm really, really proud of Barack Obama. He stood up against a population well-known for it's prejudice, and he overcame. And I sorta resent that the hammerheads in California had to spoil that for me. As he said "We are and always will be, the United States of America". I'm just waiting to be a part of that. Because right now, I'm not. Not in my heart. Not even in my head.
My America doesn't even exist. Because in MY America, I have as much value as anyone else. And the same rights AND privileges as anyone else. But that isn't the America I live in - not in reality. In reality, I can still be hated and judged on the basis of my sexual orientation. I can still be limited, and have my rights limited, by my orientation. Because America HAS NOT EVOLVED to the point that it can accept me as human.
And coming to terms with that is horribly difficult. Especially now that I FEEL it. Now that I understand just HOW MUCH half the population of America despises me and my kind. And it hurts, more than I can express. More than I even understood as a child on a concious level. More than I imagined.
Obama said repeatedly, "Yes, we can!" But my little minority was not included in that statement. This New America is not mine. Your God does not bless me - but his followers condemn me every chance they get. And they don't EVEN KNOW ME. And I grew up afraid of that god, and his followers. And afraid to be honest about who I am and who I love. And goddammit, I'm sick to death of settling for what I can get from this country.
I want EQUAL footing. EQUAL rights. I want what EVERYBODY else already has.
I want to be validated - by my country.
And I want to stop fucking crying.
The anger and the sadness I've felt the last 36 hours have apparently triggered a depressive episode. I can't stop crying. It'll stop for a bit, then the feelings start bubbling up again, until I'm crying uncontrollably. And I know that the shock of having California, of all places - as well as the 29 other states in the last few years - declare me sub-human is what set it off. But it's going well beyond what it should be, in my opinion.
Yes, it dug up a LOT of feelings that caused me to refuse to admit I was gay for 41 years. But it's out-of-control at this point. It's like my reaction to ending my friendships with Magan or Angie now. Just spontaneous tears, and an inability to regain an emotional center. I'm stuck in despair. And it sucks. I was up for more than 36 hours on 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I'm not well.
I may discontinue the wellbutrin tomorrow if I don't feel better by then. It could be contributing to this. Anti-depressants have been known to cause deep depression in people with manic-depressive tendencies. But right now, I'm stuck in a down place. And it feels godawful. And except for the ones I love, I hate straight people. And I am so disappointed in the lack of justice in this country that it's not remotely funny. And I still can't believe that in the year 2008 we have SO MANY narrow-minded people within our borders.
And you know, I'm really, really proud of Barack Obama. He stood up against a population well-known for it's prejudice, and he overcame. And I sorta resent that the hammerheads in California had to spoil that for me. As he said "We are and always will be, the United States of America". I'm just waiting to be a part of that. Because right now, I'm not. Not in my heart. Not even in my head.
My America doesn't even exist. Because in MY America, I have as much value as anyone else. And the same rights AND privileges as anyone else. But that isn't the America I live in - not in reality. In reality, I can still be hated and judged on the basis of my sexual orientation. I can still be limited, and have my rights limited, by my orientation. Because America HAS NOT EVOLVED to the point that it can accept me as human.
And coming to terms with that is horribly difficult. Especially now that I FEEL it. Now that I understand just HOW MUCH half the population of America despises me and my kind. And it hurts, more than I can express. More than I even understood as a child on a concious level. More than I imagined.
Obama said repeatedly, "Yes, we can!" But my little minority was not included in that statement. This New America is not mine. Your God does not bless me - but his followers condemn me every chance they get. And they don't EVEN KNOW ME. And I grew up afraid of that god, and his followers. And afraid to be honest about who I am and who I love. And goddammit, I'm sick to death of settling for what I can get from this country.
I want EQUAL footing. EQUAL rights. I want what EVERYBODY else already has.
I want to be validated - by my country.
And I want to stop fucking crying.
Tags:
- whatever
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Nov. 5th, 2008
I feel like Charlie Brown - just as he realizes Lucy has yanked the football away, yet again.
I think this is called 'despair'.
The landslide election of Obama seemed to portend something hopeful. And I felt hopeful. But when the State of California - California of ALL places! -chose to send the message that I am a Second-Class Citizen, along with every other gay person in America, I lost hope. It was bad enough when Texas did it. And all the other states that have singled us out and refused us the same rights every living, breathing, heterosexual on the whole damn planet has. Even the ones in prison, for crying-out-loud.
But when the State of California granted that right to gay people - then viciously yanked it away - well, it has destroyed my faith in the process of democracy. And what little faith I had in the good intentions of other people. It would appear my initial judgment was correct - most people suck. And in large groups, they just suck harder.
And what really pains me, is that according to exit polls, a large part of what passed Prop 8 were the very voters who put Obama over the top - the African American vote. Followed in racial order by Hispanics and whites. But mainly, it was a decision they based on religion - those who attended church regularly were more likely to vote for the proposition. Those who didn't, voted against. And my ex-sponsor couldn't understand my resentment against organized religion. Of course, he was a Catholic.
But at least I've moved past hating on Gods to hating on people's stupidity. Because that's why I'm sad today. People are just fucking stupid. And inconsiderate as all hell. You'd think after everything the African-American race has been through, they'd have a little tolerance, or at least compassion. But no, they don't. Not for queers, anyway. Not if it violates their religious beliefs. Which, incidentally, don't have a damn thing to do with MY life.
And I know it's not just them - but it is Christianity - I'd bet my pulse on that. All of these individual states that have passed gay-marriage bans targeted their Christian voters to do so. And yet, no one can explain how a same-sex couple being married is going to hurt them - or even directly affect them. No one can explain a VALID reason for subjugating us to Second-Class Citizenship. Because there isn't one. Just as there was no reason to prohibit inter-racial couples from marrying. But they sure as hell tried, years ago.
Legislating morality is central to American Christianity. I can't for the life of me understand why, but it is. I suppose part of it is that need for belonging. And in order to belong to a group, there has to be some definitive difference between the people in that group, and others outside the group. Thus, the sense of belonging. I think they accomplish this by finding a common enemy.
In 12-step programs, which are all about belonging, the enemy is usually drugs and alcohol. In Christianity, it seems to be beliefs, and what they deem 'normal' moral values. And anything that deviates from the group consensus of 'normal' is defined as 'other'. Or, outside the group. And is attacked, for being different, and in their eyes, unacceptable. For many years, the target of this 'otherness' was often ethnic minorities - blacks and Hispanics, specifically. Although, thanks to WWII the Asian population enjoyed a good stint as the object of the general public's ire. And you can bet the fact they weren't considered 'Good Christians' came into play there. Hell, even early Italian and Irish and other immigrants got a taste of this particular brand of Christianity - since they practiced a different brand of Christianity - and thus were different.
Various other targets have been booze - see "Prohibition" -working moms, rock & roll, non-Christian religions, book bans and book burning, and, of course, abortion. I'm sure there are more, but frankly, that's enough. And while my oldest might argue that attitudes are changing - or even that it isn't the religion itself, but individuals who get a hair up their ass in a religious group or family - I have to say I have seen some of the most atrocious behavior from church groups in the last ten years or so than I EVER recall as a child.
Yes, back in the Stone Age they were just pretty much discriminatory across the board - because they could get away with it then. But these days, they have a Cause of the Week. Whether it's a children's book, or Gay Marriage, or some shit on TV, there's always something for these people to get their panties in a wad about.
And my argument is that they do it NOT because their religion dictates this judgmental behavior in any way, shape, or form - but because it gives them something to band together against. Because they need a common enemy. To reinforce their sense of belonging. And they've exhausted most of their options. Therefore, they attack 'The Gays'. And we have been under attack for years now. And it's getting pretty fucking old.
And the WORST part, is that this is a FEDERAL ISSUE. We are being denied protection under the law - the same protection the African-American community avails itself of. And has, for years. The same protection that grants the privilege of marriage to Heterosexuals in the first place. Equal Protection Under The Law. I am not protected under this law because the Christian Right has learned to manipulate the system on a State to State basis. It IS a FEDERAL ISSUE. And the laws are being manipulated by manipulating the voters. And THE CHURCHES are working to manipulate the fucking voters.
But our side is afraid to pursue it as a Federal Issue. Because if we lose, we're screwed. Permanently.
I hate organized religion. With a passion. But I hate the morons who can't fucking think for themselves worse. And yes, hate is a strong word - but put yourself in my shoes for a few YEARS and see if you feel tons of compassion for people who seem to thrive on making you feel like you have the social value of a dog. If that.
I'm angry. And sad. And depressed. And I think America, and the so-called Americans who voted to reduce my rights really, really suck. And quite frankly, I understand now why I wanted to die as a kid. Beyond my fucked-up family - and friends who disappeared when they found out I liked girls. People suck. And people who vote to make me feel disenfranchised suck loudly. And they do nothing to inspire my compassion or patience. If anything, they make me wish I had died. It would have been easier to deal with.
Because trying to 'hang in there' just ain't working for me. Trying to maintain a positive attitude in the face of overt discrimination and incredible American ignorance is not feasible. Granted, it's probably just as crappy anywhere else. But that doesn't make it acceptable.
Fuck this planet. Fuck this country. Fuck Obama. And fuck off.
I am in a mood.
And while I'm sure it will change, just as soon as I adjust to the idea that I am a Second CLASS CITIZEN, right this minute I hate everyone.
I think this is called 'despair'.
The landslide election of Obama seemed to portend something hopeful. And I felt hopeful. But when the State of California - California of ALL places! -chose to send the message that I am a Second-Class Citizen, along with every other gay person in America, I lost hope. It was bad enough when Texas did it. And all the other states that have singled us out and refused us the same rights every living, breathing, heterosexual on the whole damn planet has. Even the ones in prison, for crying-out-loud.
But when the State of California granted that right to gay people - then viciously yanked it away - well, it has destroyed my faith in the process of democracy. And what little faith I had in the good intentions of other people. It would appear my initial judgment was correct - most people suck. And in large groups, they just suck harder.
And what really pains me, is that according to exit polls, a large part of what passed Prop 8 were the very voters who put Obama over the top - the African American vote. Followed in racial order by Hispanics and whites. But mainly, it was a decision they based on religion - those who attended church regularly were more likely to vote for the proposition. Those who didn't, voted against. And my ex-sponsor couldn't understand my resentment against organized religion. Of course, he was a Catholic.
But at least I've moved past hating on Gods to hating on people's stupidity. Because that's why I'm sad today. People are just fucking stupid. And inconsiderate as all hell. You'd think after everything the African-American race has been through, they'd have a little tolerance, or at least compassion. But no, they don't. Not for queers, anyway. Not if it violates their religious beliefs. Which, incidentally, don't have a damn thing to do with MY life.
And I know it's not just them - but it is Christianity - I'd bet my pulse on that. All of these individual states that have passed gay-marriage bans targeted their Christian voters to do so. And yet, no one can explain how a same-sex couple being married is going to hurt them - or even directly affect them. No one can explain a VALID reason for subjugating us to Second-Class Citizenship. Because there isn't one. Just as there was no reason to prohibit inter-racial couples from marrying. But they sure as hell tried, years ago.
Legislating morality is central to American Christianity. I can't for the life of me understand why, but it is. I suppose part of it is that need for belonging. And in order to belong to a group, there has to be some definitive difference between the people in that group, and others outside the group. Thus, the sense of belonging. I think they accomplish this by finding a common enemy.
In 12-step programs, which are all about belonging, the enemy is usually drugs and alcohol. In Christianity, it seems to be beliefs, and what they deem 'normal' moral values. And anything that deviates from the group consensus of 'normal' is defined as 'other'. Or, outside the group. And is attacked, for being different, and in their eyes, unacceptable. For many years, the target of this 'otherness' was often ethnic minorities - blacks and Hispanics, specifically. Although, thanks to WWII the Asian population enjoyed a good stint as the object of the general public's ire. And you can bet the fact they weren't considered 'Good Christians' came into play there. Hell, even early Italian and Irish and other immigrants got a taste of this particular brand of Christianity - since they practiced a different brand of Christianity - and thus were different.
Various other targets have been booze - see "Prohibition" -working moms, rock & roll, non-Christian religions, book bans and book burning, and, of course, abortion. I'm sure there are more, but frankly, that's enough. And while my oldest might argue that attitudes are changing - or even that it isn't the religion itself, but individuals who get a hair up their ass in a religious group or family - I have to say I have seen some of the most atrocious behavior from church groups in the last ten years or so than I EVER recall as a child.
Yes, back in the Stone Age they were just pretty much discriminatory across the board - because they could get away with it then. But these days, they have a Cause of the Week. Whether it's a children's book, or Gay Marriage, or some shit on TV, there's always something for these people to get their panties in a wad about.
And my argument is that they do it NOT because their religion dictates this judgmental behavior in any way, shape, or form - but because it gives them something to band together against. Because they need a common enemy. To reinforce their sense of belonging. And they've exhausted most of their options. Therefore, they attack 'The Gays'. And we have been under attack for years now. And it's getting pretty fucking old.
And the WORST part, is that this is a FEDERAL ISSUE. We are being denied protection under the law - the same protection the African-American community avails itself of. And has, for years. The same protection that grants the privilege of marriage to Heterosexuals in the first place. Equal Protection Under The Law. I am not protected under this law because the Christian Right has learned to manipulate the system on a State to State basis. It IS a FEDERAL ISSUE. And the laws are being manipulated by manipulating the voters. And THE CHURCHES are working to manipulate the fucking voters.
But our side is afraid to pursue it as a Federal Issue. Because if we lose, we're screwed. Permanently.
I hate organized religion. With a passion. But I hate the morons who can't fucking think for themselves worse. And yes, hate is a strong word - but put yourself in my shoes for a few YEARS and see if you feel tons of compassion for people who seem to thrive on making you feel like you have the social value of a dog. If that.
I'm angry. And sad. And depressed. And I think America, and the so-called Americans who voted to reduce my rights really, really suck. And quite frankly, I understand now why I wanted to die as a kid. Beyond my fucked-up family - and friends who disappeared when they found out I liked girls. People suck. And people who vote to make me feel disenfranchised suck loudly. And they do nothing to inspire my compassion or patience. If anything, they make me wish I had died. It would have been easier to deal with.
Because trying to 'hang in there' just ain't working for me. Trying to maintain a positive attitude in the face of overt discrimination and incredible American ignorance is not feasible. Granted, it's probably just as crappy anywhere else. But that doesn't make it acceptable.
Fuck this planet. Fuck this country. Fuck Obama. And fuck off.
I am in a mood.
And while I'm sure it will change, just as soon as I adjust to the idea that I am a Second CLASS CITIZEN, right this minute I hate everyone.
- Mood:Livid
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