Keep your religious beliefs off my kid!!!

Christians, that is. They seem to believe they have a monopoly on the United States.
Newsflash: They don't.

While I will be the first to admit that I do not encourage Christianity at home, given that I am not a Christian, I do not believe this qualifies as a failing. My neighbor, however, seems to think so.

Is it any wonder that I keep to myself?

Okay, here's what happened. My youngest, at the tender age of 9, made friends with a neighbor boy aged 7. They live a few doors down, and we've been here for 5 years, so she really didn't get acquainted with him until his parents let him out of the house for Public School. I'm certain his mother regrets that at this point. In fact, I'm pretty sure they had a McCain sign in the yard last fall.

They played together a bit over the last few days. All seemed well. Then this afternoon Annie marches into my room and spews out a trail of words "Jeezus, and if I didn't believe in him, and too late...."

Essentially, the 7 year-old began preaching at her. Annie didn't appreciate it, in the least. Then he pulls the cracker: "by the time you believe in Jesus it will be too late!"

Insert Mama Lion.

You do NOT tell my kid what to believe, nor belittle them because they do not hold your beliefs. Period. I don't care if you are 7 or 70, Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Zoroastrian. I do, however, hold parents responsible, not 7-year-olds. So I went to the source.

The source is a dimwit blonde who hasn't lost the baby-fat - from the last few babies. Sorry, that's insensitive, but so is she, and besides, I'm pissed. I don't feel inclined to be kind right now.

I'll give her credit, she made him apologize after the extensive philosophical discussion I attempted to engage her in - you know, "your beliefs aren't the only beliefs", "people should respect other beliefs", etc.. - she still didn't really get it. She kept focusing on how it wasn't the boy's fault. I kept insisting that of course it wasn't his fault - he's parroting what you teach him.

I also pointed out that MY KID doesn't make fun of HIS beliefs. That went right over her bleached blonde head. Well, except when she pointed out that Annie also repeats what she learns at home - like being an atheist. Still, she didn't get the point that as an atheist, Annie doesn't try to convert people, whereas her kid does.

The term "proselytizing" came up repeatedly (from my side), but she still didn't understand. She just kept saying "but he meant well." To who? My kid? I'd hardly call his statements to my kid "meaning well." As I pointed out AGAIN, he was repeating what he learned at home. And AGAIN, I pointed out that MY KID doesn't attempt to convert kids to atheism. Annie understands that people are different, and that's okay.

I'll admit, "Mrs. Christian" was a little at a loss for words when she asked me how I would react if one of my kids decided they were Christian (actually "decided to accept Jesus" and I said "I'd love them anyway" then countered with "what if one of your kids were gay?" She didn't have a comeback for that one.

Maybe I'm being harsh, but I watched this woman's face as we talked. I am an introvert. I pay attention to people's body language, because I don't communicate as well verbally. I observe motives. And even though this woman marched her son over here to apologize, I do not believe for one second that she thinks his actions were inappropriate.

Fortunately, I don't really have to worry about it. Annie announced over a year ago "I wish nobody had ever invented this 'God Concept'." Annie is not in any danger of succumbing to what I would consider brainwashing. And yes, as her parent, I instilled some of those values. However, I also encourage her to think for herself and come to her own conclusions - and more importantly, I strongly discourage making fun of others for their beliefs, or anything else.

Live and let live. That is the family motto.

But this lady has a different sort of family. Seven-year-olds don't preach damnation without a little prompting. That is not how they are wired. And that, quite frankly, is what pisses me off about the far right - and this woman - they don't appreciate how well they 'train' their kids. Their children are trained in fundamentalism at an early age. The question is, what about their gay kids?

Because they DO have gay kids. Whether they admit or not, whether they make the prospect of 'coming out' too hellish to consider or not - they DO have gay kids. It's unavoidable.

What KIND of mother would indoctrinate their child in such a way that the sheer idea of being gay might make them suicidal? Who DOES this shit? Who raises a child to believe that there is ONE way - the RIGHT way? I mean, my family did a pretty bang up job in that arena, but even they weren't that bad. And considering how badly they destabilized my psyche, can you imagine the impact on a child reared in a fundamentalist Christian home? It's fucking child abuse.

So while my initial anger was directed at the diss towards my own child, my vehement anger is more personal. I *know* what it feels like to be made to feel that who you are isn't "right" or good enough. And the idea that there are people like this raising GAY children appalls me.

Sad. It's all so fucking sad. And infuriating. How dare they? I don't care who you worship in your spare time. I don't care who your god is. But keep it to your fucking self. And don't drag anything into your home that makes your kids (or their guests) feel unaccepted. What kind of parent does that?

My guess is my neighbor.

Excuse me, I'm affecting your marriage how?

I'm not quite sure where to begin. Between Maggie "NOM" Gallagher and M.D. Harmon from Maine, I'm not sure who I'm most offended by.

First, let me say I've played a heterosexual - not on TV, but in real life. I gave all I had to the part, and wound up with some serious substance abuse problems for my efforts. But hey, what's a Southern Baptist cum (forced) Lutheran girl to do? (you'll have to wait for the memoir there, folks).

For the record, I'm an Atheist now. I believe in the power of love and compassion. But I don't truly believe in gods or goddesses - although if I need the word, I'll pull goddess out before god, because I'm also a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. Old School style. No, really - I mean old school.

It helps that I have four daughters. It's a major impetus to feminism, having multiple girl-children. As a mother, you get protective. You develop not only a defense, but an offense. You foresee the difficulties your offspring will face, and you prepare them for battle. Which is why I will spend two nights a week for two weeks driving my college sophomore home from her self-defense classes this fall. For the record, it was her idea. See how well I raised them?

Seriously, though, I was brought up to believe - by my mom - that I could do whatever I wanted to do. Trouble is, I didn't take that advice to heart until I was 41. That was 17 months after I left my last husband - and 10 months after he died. By that time, most of my extended family was dead, or not speaking to me, what little was left. Until that point, I had been trying to fit in. Trying to salvage the last bit of respectability and acceptance I thought was available to me. I had lived in fear - both of rejection, and ostracization.

Because, let's face it, on some level - unconscious as it was - I knew I was gay. The trouble was, it was unconscious. I had crushes, well after that first girlfriend and two subsequent husbands - but I never acted on them. I couldn't. I had children. And my last husband threatened to take them if I left him, which I tried to do. By having an affair with the guy at my real estate office. Hey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

But despite my own insanity and denial - and it was deep and unsound, my denial - I raised good kids.I taught them not to make fun of others. I taught them that people are different, and that making fun of those differences was unacceptable. That's one thing they learned firmly - it is OKAY for people to be different. Even my own mental illness couldn't keep me from teaching them that.

And they learned. They carried it with them through elementary and middle school and high school and beyond. It was a good thing. And I'm sure it helped immensely when one of my children came out as Bi, and another as Gay, as difficult as that was for both of them - and make no mistake, it was hard for them, even with me out-of-the-closet. It's never easy to admit you are 'different'.

So to read the bullshit from the right wing - people like Gallagher and Harmon - my mother instincts kick in. I'm enraged. I'm outraged. How dare these narrow-minded a-holes dictate what a relationship between two loving individuals should be? How dare they take MY and my KID'S taxes, apply them to heterosexual couples, and leave MY kids out in the cold? What right have they?

None. That's my answer. They have NO right to dictate who I or my children love. They have NO right to appropriate OUR tax dollars to support THEIR heterosexual families. If I, or my children, are deprived of the federal rights granted to every heterosexual family, then dammit, queers shouldn't have to file taxes, State or Federal!!!

Seriously, why should we support them, if they work to deny us? If we're second-class citizens, why should we pay First Class Citizen tax rates? I spend thousands of dollars annually on property taxes. I do this because I still have a child in school. But let's think about this. Once that child graduates, as two others have in this School District - why should I pay taxes?

I'm not allowed the same benefits as a heterosexual is. If I partner with someone in the State of Texas, I am forbidden by Constitutional Amendment to marry them! So why should I pay for other people's kid's education???

It's not like I'm a single heterosexual with the ABILITY to mate and marry. I'm a queer. I've paid for MY kid's educations. Why should I pay for YOURS? I mean, if we're going to be fair about this - why the hell should the heterosexual community expect a dime from me? We pay taxes based on representation, yes? I'm NOT represented. I owe you nothing.

It could be argued: well, single people have to pay taxes, too. Yes, but what if a gay couple isn't single? Do they get the same tax benefits when they file their taxes for PAYING those property taxes? No. They don't. They are treated as two single individuals. Not spouses. Singles. Their relationship is not only unrecognized, their contribution as a couple is unrecognized. Where is the fairness in that?

Heterosexuals who do not marry have the OPTION of marriage. We don't have that in Texas - or most states. We are treated as Second-Class Citizens, despite the fact we pay taxes on wages, taxes on property. We are given fewer rights, for the same input to our government. We ARE Second-Class Citizens. We give, yet get less in return than our heterosexual counterparts. And why?

Because we are different. Because there is a faction in current society that sees us as a threat - they have yet to explain exactly what that threat is, but by God, we are a threat. To their marriages, their children, their churches. We are the Evil that threatens their standard of living - even though our tax dollars have been financing it for years - gay couples sure as hell don't benefit from SSA survivor benefits - as I and my child do from my late husband, and her sisters until they graduated HS. Even though they have Gay family members they deny - just as my Christian brother denies me - even though we teach their children, participate in their non-profits - we are, in fact, everywhere. In all professions, all fields. All families.

I am the only openly gay mother who has picked up my youngest from her elementary for the last 4 years. I have never encountered hostility from her teachers, her classmates, or their parents. Some of them might have found me a bit odd, with the tattoos and lip rings and short hair - but they were kind and courteous. My child has never been abused by her teachers and classmates. She has not been ridiculed. In fact, she's so confident, she presented her biography of Thomas Alva Edison in drag - and came home happy about it. In Texas, no less.

My point is that the few, the narrow minded, the bigoted, do not represent the majority. They might claim to, through signatures, and insistence on ballots. But ballots are meaningless. Beyond the simple fact that our Constitution makes clear that the rights of a minority should not be decided by a majority vote, the only people who SIGN these forms are people solicited by people with an agenda. People who inspire fear of the "other". People who try to convince others that their own rights will be swept from them by other people demanding their OWN rights.

And that is a complete and utter lie.

We only want the rights we would have if all of us "played straight", as I did. The rights everyone should have to establish families, contribute to their communities, and receive the same validation we would have if we pretended we were heterosexual. We want to live honestly. In public. We want acceptance, because we cannot change what we are, many of us have tried, and suffered for it.

We are not hurting you. We pose no threat to your marriage, your children, or your faith. But bear in mind - some of your children WILL be gay. My parents were straight. Straight parents does not mean straight kids. None of us choose to be gay. Who in their right mind would? But if you care, if you give a good goddamn, then for the sake of your own family members, end this war you've created. I cannot imagine putting my child through it. And I cannot see how you could put yours through it. Not in good conscience.

What is "gender", anyway?

Well, for starters, it's a question too few people ask. And something a lot of people really don't understand. Which is why you'll find a couple of definitions at the bottom of this post for words you may be unfamiliar with.

When most *cisgendered (see definition below) people speak of "gender", what they're actually talking about is "sex" - the genitalia you're born with. Or the DNA, in the case of intersex people. For most of the population "sex" and "gender" are synonymous. But for people with gender issues, they aren't.

Now, before we get into gender issues, let's talk about why sex and gender are different things. Let's say a child is born with ambiguous genitalia, and, for example, in the case of a male child (in terms of DNA), this lack of appropriate equipment cannot be effectively remedied by current surgical techniques. If this child is raised as a girl, as David Reimer's parents discovered, it will affect them. David wasn't even born intersexed - his deformity was a result of a botched circumcision. David committed suicide at 38, after being raised as a girl until 14, when he was told the truth. He also rebelled against the gender he had been raised as. This had to be an ordeal for him, considering the hormones and surgery he had to face to "become a girl." Before his untimely death, he transitioned to male and married a woman. But his situation still obviously impacted him.

But gender - that internal feeling of who we are on the gender spectrum - and yes, it is a spectrum, which I'll get to later, is overpowering. And I believe it goes beyond DNA or genitalia at birth. It goes beyond the "sex" we are born as, as many cases of intersex infants has shown - I'd do your research for you, but you have access to google, folks. But, and here's the part where most cisgendered people get lost, it isn't just about the xx or xy chromosomes. It's about the brain.

Many people attempt to blame "gender confusion", as they call it, on the child's parents. But there have been studies conducted, for example, that show that excess testosterone on female fetuses in utero produces girls who think and act more like boys. There have even been documented cases of this producing a "male" finger pattern in these girls. There have also been studies that suggest certain areas of the brain differ in size in male-to-female transgendered people, and it has been suggested that the sex hormones - like testosterone and estrogen - play a part in the development of our brains in utero.

I'll grant you, we have no hard-and-fast scientific explanations yet. No more than we have a genetic code for why some folks are gay or bi or straight. But we do know this - some people do NOT feel like their gender matches the sex they were born as. Some people do not even feel that one sex or the other fits how they feel. This is sometimes referred to as transgendered, but often, it's simply a case of someone existing at a different place on what some people refer to as the "gender continuum." Some people use the term "**genderqueer."

In other words, the brain may not match the body - or the DNA that determines the sex of that body, to various degrees. Obviously, a lot more scientific research needs to be done to understand why that is, but transgendered people have existed for centuries - possibly since people have existed. We have no way to determine how long this feeling of being something you were not born as goes. What we do know is that there are many, many people in the modern era who did not feel that their "sex" matched their "gender", to some degree.

There were also many people most would now call transgendered who existed in the past. The Native Americans called them "two-spirits." They were usually revered, and often became spiritual leaders in those cultures. They weren't condemned and despised as they so frequently are today in America, and were found in most Native American tribes. They were considered the embodiment of both the feminine and masculine spirits in one body.

But today, it seems a lot of people judge transgendered people harshly - or anyone who breaks gender expectations. They are often victims of violence, and that even crosses over to those in the gay population who exhibit gender traits that are not traditional male or female traits. We get tagged with terms like "flaming queens" or "butch dykes." It has become a morass of hatred against those who express their gender differently than their genitals indicate they should in the opinion of *cisgendered persons who will only accept a dichotomy of sexual existence. This isn't solely a problem in the heterosexual community, either. Even other gay and bisexual people have these prejudices.

And honestly, I've met several transgendered people who started out believing they were just 'gay', but discovered on their journey that the issue they had to deal with first was where they were on the gender continuum. Not all transgendered people are gay after transition. Not all transgendered people are straight after transition. People confuse the issues of orientation and gender, in addition to confusing sexual presentation with gender.

Take, for example, those of us who are androgynous. We identify with both ends of the spectrum to some degree. Does that mean I want to be a man? No, it doesn't. If I wanted to be a man, I wouldn't have given birth to four beautiful children. But you also won't catch me dead in a dress, nail polish, or make-up. I like my hair short. My natural mannerisms lean more to male than female mannerisms. I have been "sir'd" repeatedly, mainly by people who weren't paying much attention. Sort of like the clerk who mistook my youngest daughter for a boy recently, because her hair is short, and she likes to wear more "boyish" clothes sometimes - or the one that mistook my oldest grandson for a girl simply because he has longer hair than most boys (he's also very pretty for a boy).

Now, I didn't always accept my own androgyny. In fact, I tried very hard for much of my life to be the "girl" I thought my mother and others wanted me to be. I wore dresses on occasion. I tried to figure out make-up, too. Frankly, I felt like I looked like a guy in drag. But I had an experience that forced me to face my fears of being who I was. It was the sort of experience most people don't have the opportunity to experience.

After many years of attempting to be bisexual, and developing a major painkiller habit in order to tolerate what I was doing to myself, I went cold turkey. Now, I'll grant you, my substance abuse was a means of enforcing my denial of who I was. My fear of not meeting other people's expectations of who and what I should be fueled a desperate need to escape my own discomfort. However, the withdrawal I experienced, given the extent of my addiction, was traumatic, overwhelming, and extremely eye opening.

To begin with, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. The image I had built in my head of "who I was" bore absolutely no resemblance to the image in the mirror - or my actual feelings about who I was. My internal "image" was far more feminine than what I saw, or how I felt. This was part of my denial that led to my addiction. The addiction helped me suppress my preferences, both in terms of gender and sexual orientation.

It was another month before my brain was ready to tell me the Big News. I woke up one morning from a dream about my first girlfriend, who had broken up with me at 16. I had totally suppressed her from my memory during my addiction. I had forgotten, in fact, that I ever identified as bisexual. But that morning the truth hit me like a large boulder - I woke up and realized I'm gay.

Now, I was 41 when all this happened. In retrospect, I can see how it happened, and how much of it was simply due to the expectations I had internalized that I didn't feel I could live up to. But having all of it hit me at once forced me to face my fears. The first thing I did when I was well enough to go anywhere, after about 7 days of absolute physical and mental torture from that withdrawal, was go shopping.

Nothing in my closet felt right. Not even my shoes. So I bought jeans and t-shirts and shoes that felt more like "me." It took a few months to work up the nerve to cut my hair short. It had been in a virtual boy-cut until I started first grade, which I think is when I began to develop these expectations of myself based on other people's reactions. But I had so much shame that I was afraid of doing things I wanted to do. I was afraid of expressing my preferences.

Four years later, I still struggle with that shame sometimes. There are a lot of clothes in the men or boy's department (and being 5' 4" and 116 lb., I can generally shop in the boy's department) that I *like*. The cut of boy's shirts is more comfortable to me than the fitted cut of "girl clothes." I wound up buying a lot of my clothes at The Gap and Express, as a result. At least what they sell is more androgynous - at least enough to cause me little discomfort.

Still, it took me a good 3 years to really get to a point where I was okay being who I really am. I had to work at it. I had to bend gender rules and face my fears. And to some degree, I still have to. But by examining my gender, my preferences, my likes and dislikes, I've begun to get in touch with both my masculinity and my femininity. In the beginning, it was all so confusing. The image I had held in my head for so many years wasn't me - so who was I really? I've had to answer that question for myself, and find my comfort level. And given how late in the game I got started, it is still an ongoing process.

Because of my experience, I understand the confusion, judgment, and fear that cisgendered people have of people who don't conform to a gender dichotomy. The first time I actually saw a transgendered person who was in the process of transition, it terrified me. Because it touched a deep fear in me. Something I still can't really identify. Something that comes from that deep childhood fear of rejection and abandonment.

But the more I learned about gender, and how it exists on a continuum, the less judgmental I was. It became easier to address someone going from male-to-female as "she." It was natural when one of my friends began transitioning from female-to-male to refer to him as "he." I began to understand that we are not always what we feel we are, and some people feel a desperate need to change that, in order to be comfortable in their own skin.

When I was 13 years old, shortly after my father's suicide, I changed my name. For years I've wondered why I really did that, but I understand now why I did. I was named after my father. I identified with him. I even have mannerisms and speech patterns that duplicate his - which is why people always wonder why a life-long Texan has Wisconsin speech patterns. But all I had left after he died was my mother - and my mother was all girl. And I needed my mother. So tried to become what I thought she wanted me to be, whether it was really what she wanted or not.

Society, and sometimes families, impose a lot of expectations on children. Many of those expectations - like don't lie, don't cheat, take responsibility for your actions, etc. - are all good, and reasonable, expectations. But when we place an expectation on someone regarding their orientation or gender, we are essentially telling them that they cannot be who they are, or we will not love them. We will reject them, ostracize them, and abandon them. Until you feel that conflict in your own soul, you cannot imagine the damage that can do.

There is a gender continuum. I consider my self to be androgynous, and to some extent "genderqueer." I don't feel like I always belong to one gender. Sometimes I feel more boyish, sometimes I feel like a girl. But I know in my heart, I embody both. I know that my brain operates differently than either the male or female sex.

It took me 41 years to even start to figure that out. It took several years to accept it. It also took that acceptance for me to get over my fear of people like me. People with gender issues. I have nothing but admiration for the people who transition because of this. However, I think society at large has a long way to go in understanding that just because a person is not cisgendered, that doesn't make them "wrong." It just makes them different from people who are comfortable in their male or female role assigned at birth (or through early childhood intervention). And everyone has a right to be who they are, if you ask me. No one asks to feel uncomfortable in their own skin. But everyone ought to have the right to do so - without judgment.

So if my daughter wants her hair short, or my grandson wants his hair long, if my daughter wants to dress in drag for a school report, or my grandson wants to wear jewelry, I say more power to them. Gender roles should not be determined by people outside you. Society has no right or obligation to stick a round peg into a square hole. We are all individuals, and the sooner we learn to treat each other as such, the sooner tolerance will truly be a human trait.

Love, compassion, understanding. These are the spiritual principles that tolerance is made of. We need more of all four, and less hate and judgment.



*Cisgender is a "newer term" that means "someone who is comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth." see this Wiki.
**Genderqueer - People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both male and female, as being neither male nor female, or as falling completely outside the gender binary. Some wish to have certain features of the opposite sex and not all characteristics; others want it all. See this Wiki.

It's been a very 'gay' day...

First, there was the TABC raid on a new gay bar in Fort Worth:
Rainbow Lounge

See also: Dymsum
An excellent blogger who also has links to the Dallas Voice story, as well as other links. Dave is my absolute favorite in Gay Bloggerdom :) He's thorough, and fair.

But what I really want to write about tonight is this: The Gay Family.

No, not "family", as in the sort of people I prefer to do business with (or make out with). "Family" in the sense of the recent CNN article "'Gayby boom': Children of gay couples speak out." See: Gayby Boom.

I am a gay mother of four. I did not realize I was gay until 2005. Originally, I thought I was Bisexual. Then, I drank and drugged myself to the point I wasn't even sure of that. It's a long, harrowing, and painful story. I'm working on the memoir.

But for now, let's start with my introduction to self-honesty, and springing out of the closet. I was 41. My late estranged husband had died 11 months prior. I had just broken my chemical addiction the month before, when I woke up one morning and thought "Holy Crap!!! No wonder that whole 'guy' thing wasn't working out for me!!! I'M GAY!!!!"

It was a rude awakening.

No, really. That is exactly how it happened.

However, being the almost intolerably honest soul that I am, I felt the need to spill the beans to my kids ASAP. It felt like I had been living a lie. I don't lie to my kids - not intentionally. First, I approached the closest thing I had to a friend - a gay man I had met in a 12-step program, and poured my guts out.

The next day, I contacted my oldest child on IM. I no longer have that hard drive, but essentially the IM conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Child: Good, how are you guys?
Me: We're good. But I have something to tell you...
Child:?
Me: I'm gay.


Child: Well, I figured it was something like that.


Yeah, it was no big shock to that one. The others were a little more surprised. The one child, who later turned out to be gay herself - something she couldn't admit for another 4 years - took it a little harder. Which is to be expected. She grew up with a somewhat homophobic father, and a mother in denial. She had some stuff to process.

All told, I have one gay child, one straight child, one bisexual child, and one child as-yet-to-be-determined, but almost certainly not heterosexual (not in any particular order to protect those who don't want their orientation broadcast to the internet). My genes have always run strong, I'm afraid. Even in eye color.

But if I had remained closeted, I'm not sure if my non-heterosexual children would have ever been honest with me. Texas is not an easy place if you aren't "straight." I can firmly attest to that on the basis of my own inability to come clean with my orientation.

So when I read articles like the one posted on CNN about the 'Gayby boom', I can't help but laugh. My children were RAISED by a Gay Mother. I just didn't accept that I was gay. Yet, most of them turned out to be less-than-heterosexual. But it wasn't due to their upbringing. They were brought up by a man and a woman. Just like the State of Texas insists they should be. Yet only one of them is actually "straight."

On the other hand, I have met a number of children of gay parents who really were "straight." These are generally only children. Born of a brief union between a gay woman and a straight man. For the record, I don't think either of the men I had children with were "straight." I know for a fact one wasn't, and given what I learned of the other later on, I don't really think he was either.

But it wasn't being brought up by "gay parents" that influenced their sexuality. It was simply who they are. Like me. I knew at the age of 8 that I found girls more attractive than boys. After 16, I chose to ignore that, because it was too painful to pursue (again, see the memoir). But it was always there.

I'm grateful my kids didn't have to live through the hell I went through. But I don't for a second believe that they were "made gay" by my "lifestyle". I know that's a lie. I haven't HAD a relationship with a female since I was 16. That one was so painful when it ended, boys seemed like a better alternative, no matter how loaded I had to be to sleep with them.

So this whole argument that being raised by a gay parent means "These children are more likely to experiment with same-sex relationships. They're more likely to be confused and hurt." is utter b.s. - I WAS a gay parent. I gave birth to, and raised these children, to think for themselves. To be kind to those who were different than them. To be fair.

And when their father died, they opened up to me. Especially after I got off the chemicals that made that relationship sustainable, and got honest with them about who I was. And they told me who they were. Who they were had nothing to do with who they were raised by, male or female. Who they were is who they were born to be.

And they've discovered who they are over the last few years on their own. They've come to their own decisions about who they're attracted to, what they like, what they don't. Without being exposed to a same-sex couple. Simply by being who they are. They are individuals, as every living human being is. And NO ONE has any right to tell them who or WHAT they should be.

We are entitled, as humans, to be what we are, as long as that doesn't harm anyone else. And what truly chaps my hide is when extreme conservatives try to make it their business when what I, or my children, want out of life, is nothing that concerns them in the least.

If my gay daughter wants to marry a woman - if she wants to have children with that woman - why should that be ANY different than me, a GAY WOMAN, having children with a man I did not truly love? How could that possibly be any worse for those children than having two loving, caring parents who love one another? Their sex doesn't matter. Their love for their children, and each other, does.

Dear Mr. Obama,

I won't call you my President. I voted for you, but you have gone out of your way to FAIL to represent me, so you aren't my President.

But, Mr. Obama, what I want to know is this: Why is it necessary to lie to me to get my vote?

If you had told me the truth, I might (*might*) have voted for you anyway. At least I could have chosen the lesser of two evils. But you didn't tell me the truth. You told me you were different. That THIS time my relationship with the Democratic Party would be different. You spoke against everything Clinton did to us with DOMA and DADT. You claimed that you would be a "fierce advocate" for glbt issues. Hello? You aren't "fierce", you're a fucking Chihuahua. All bark, no fucking bite.

Today, you upheld DOMA, after previously asking the Supreme Court to refuse the DADT case. You disappoint me, Mr. Obama. You, and those like you (can anyone say CLINTON?), make me want to leave this country and it's prejudice far behind me. I'm trying to decide if I should leave before or after my youngest finishes High School. Because I sure as hell ain't staying here.

Oh, and btw, sir, I receive Survivor Benefits for the 16-year date rape you call a heterosexual marriage - which, after all, is something I still have a right to engage in as a homosexual. Never mind the fact that all those years in the closet, and in an abusive marriage, scarred me permanently. Never mind the fact that had I been allowed to be a whole person and have a family as an honest queer, I would never have felt the need to go through that.

You've lost my respect Mr. Obama. You lied, something I cannot, and will not, forgive. I will work to my last breath to see you the hell out of Washington. You sicken me. Your integrity, and lack thereof, is self-evident. But then again, I may not stick around this pathetic excuse for a country long enough to do that. My youngest kid starts High School in less than 6 years. I hope to be the hell out of this country by then.

I'm disgusted, Barack. You lied. I have no respect for people who lie to me. Don't pretend to be my friend, then yank the rug out from under me for no good reason. I did nothing to you. But you, and your predecessors, have done plenty to me, my family, and our collective self-esteem. Shame on you, Obama. Shame on you.

lawdork.wordpress.com/2009/06/12/obamas-doj-did-not-have-to-go-this-far/

www.washblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=25735

www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,630120,00.html

andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/06/yes-we-can-not-that-we-necessarily-will.html

We're all done here, Mr. Obama. We are all done.

I'm not even sure where to start.

I'm referring to Dr. George Tiller's assassination, of course. But not *just* that. I mean, I'm horrified that this man lost his life because he stood up for what he believed in, that he followed the law, and he helped a lot of women and their families navigate truly difficult, truly painful situations. I've had an abortion. It's not an easy decision, or one most people take lightly.

Believe me, if I had felt adoption was a viable alternative, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I was suicidally depressed. Continuing that pregnancy might well have cost my oldest child her only reliable parent. And in most of the cases involving Dr. Tiller, it was about the mother's health, or the child not being viable at birth, and sparing the mother another several months of pregnancy carrying a child doomed to death. No mother should have to endure that. And mentally, I don't know if I could.

But really, all of that is just "stuff". Significant stuff, but still details on a larger issue. Because what's really bothering me isn't the abortion issue itself. That's a personal decision for each individual, and it's a LEGAL right for all women.

What bothers me are the people who feel entitled to enforce their own internal beliefs on others. Just because I believe a woman has a right to choose if she carries a pregnancy to term, doesn't mean I think I have the right to enforce my beliefs on other people. I don't stand outside the homes of unreasonably young pregnant women telling them I think they should either adopt the child out or abort. It's none of my goddamn business.

But there is a very small segment of American Society who seems to believe it does have the right to tell other people what to do, how to live, and what to believe. Right down to who they should worship. I don't know about you, but that is decidedly not my concept of America. In fact, it seems that this is exactly what our ancestors came to America to escape. Persecution.

This is why we have a Constitution. It's why we have laws, and a Supreme Court, and Amendments that state one larger group cannot determine the rights of another, smaller group, just because they want to - we are ALL created Equal. The Majority doesn't have the right to strip rights from a Minority, and no one group has the right to tell other people how to live their lives, so long as they are obeying the laws of our land. That's why we make laws.

But in reading up on the Abortion Issue ( I capitalize that for good reason, as it's the most divisive in our country) it suddenly dawned on me how extreme some people are. Understand, I *did* sort of live in a cave those 10-11 years I was hooked on painkillers to tolerate being in a heterosexual marriage I desperately wanted out of. I didn't "wake-up" until 2005. Hell, I didn't realize I was gay for a good 6 weeks after that. And I didn't have the heart to start reading the news again until last year. Long story - if you don't know me well, you'll have to read my old blogs - or wait for the memoir.

But, boy howdy, the news is really fucking with my head these days. The amount of hatred and bile that spills from these so-called Christians just boggles my mind. The intolerance, the lack of empathy, the sheer fanaticism, is astounding. Even at my most fucked-up, I was never that cruel to anyone. Even most of the people I knew growing up who were Christians weren't that fucked up. And I knew some pretty fucked-up people. Heck, I was related to a lot of them. And I grew up in Texas.

However, looking at the histories of these groups - and their flavor of the week varies, although "the gays" and abortion seem to top the list - I can't help but wonder where their rights to free speech end, and my right to file harassment charges begin. When does the right to freedom of Speech give way to the rights of the individual against harassment, hate crimes, etc.? When does the individual have the right to say "enough"?

I mean, to me, having someone going through my trash, picketing outside my home, or harassing my spouse at work (oh, and don't forget the postcards mailed to Dr. Tiller's staff's neighbors accusing them of being "baby killers"), when does that become prosecutable harassment? That's not "free speech", folks. Calling a man a "mass murderer" on your website is NOT free speech. It's persecution. It's harassment. It's wrong, and there should be laws against it.

And it's that kind of harassment that creates the sort of nutjobs that have now killed FOUR abortion doctors. It's that kind of ignorance that allows four thugs in Boston to beat a guy half to death while calling him a fag - and the one who was caught gets a TWO-YEAR SUSPENDED SENTENCE! (see: dym-sum.com/2009/05/28/no109/)

It's that kind of unregulated hatred that creates violence that should not be tolerated in this country. I could list crime after crime after crime, where people were persecuted due to their race, their beliefs, their orientation. But not one crime has been committed against a right-wing nutjob - unless you count that twit Ashley Todd, who tried to claim she was assaulted by black men who tried to carve "Obama" in her skin - and was eventually discovered to be lying out her ass.

We - "we" being the so-called liberals - don't go around beating people, killing people, stalking people, and generally making their lives miserable because they don't agree with us. We're law-abiding (except for a few of those PETA peeps, whose methods I tend to disagree with) and we just want to live our lives without interference, and within the law. And if we don't like the law, we try to change it. Legally. Because that's what you are *supposed* to do when you don't like the law, right?

Not bully people, or harass them and their neighbors and neighboring businesses. You deal within the system. You don't force the people who live in the system to deal with you, personally. You don't impose your own brand of justice and morality on other people. That is NOT what civilized humans do. In a civilization, we all obey the same rules, or the rules collapse. Civilization collapses. And if we allow these splinter groups to continue to thumb their noses at the rest of society and the laws we live under, then civilization will suffer - because let's face it, there's only so much of this shit you can put up with. If your government doesn't stand with you, and enforce the same rules of engagement on opposing groups, and demand some level of reasonable behavior, then eventually, somebody is going to lash out at these people.

Granted, I would guess that's how they feel. Their government is not respecting their beliefs - the laws went against them. But, just to be snarky for a minute - isn't that what the Prop 8 supporters keep telling us? We lost - they won. Deal with it. And we're dealing with it by taking further legal action, and continuing to fight - legally - for what we believe is right. They keep taking action by harassing people, blowing up clinics, and generally being hateful, all in the name of Baby Jesus. Let's not forget Murder.

Honestly, I think this small group (and really, considering the U.S. population, they are a very small group) deserves it's own disease in the DSM. A delusional psychosis of some sort, perhaps. What they do not deserve is our continued tolerance of their peculiar brand of activism. The insanity has to stop somewhere. Seriously, there oughta be a law against this. Because our current laws allow for too much hatred to be directed at specific groups by people who are obviously too unstable to seek due process. People who will not accept that society is not obligated to adhere to their standards. People who don't seem to grasp due process.

Some might compare the gay marriage struggle with that. But there's a significant difference there. Those of us who want gay marriage aren't asking them to participate in a gay marriage. We're asking for the right to marry. We're not demanding their clergy marry us. We're not demanding their children become gay. We're demanding our own legal rights. And like abortion, you might not like that, but I can assure you it's a right we deserve, and a right we will have in the end. And ultimately, like abortion, it has not a thing to do with their lives or how they live them. I find sleeping with guys to be particularly abhorrent (no offense guys), but you don't see me picketing the homes of heterosexuals telling them how I gross *I* think it is, now do you? That's their business. I think they should mind theirs, and let me mind mine.

It's like people - one of my friends FB friends, in fact - who make comments about how they find it offensive to see books like "My Two Mommies" in a school library. These are people who can't tolerate tolerance. Just as I find heterosex icky - he finds lesbians icky - the difference is I don't feel a need to rant at heterosexuals, or prevent my kids from knowing they exist. How would he feel if his kids were made fun of because he likes girls? But he'll never know how that feels. My youngest may.

It wasn't easy for my kids to come to terms with the announcement that I was a Big Ole' Queer. It took time. Just as anything unfamiliar takes time to process. But because my kids had an emotional investment in me, and we communicated, they adjusted. I was so proud the first time each of them shared with a friend that I'm gay. It meant they'd overcome that society-imposed shame. They'd grown, and grown up a bit.

But the way I see it, the people in these far right Christian sects aren't capable of growth. They're throwing fits, because they aren't getting what they want. They're lashing out at others with violence, because they're immature, and child-like, except without the innocence. They lack empathy, and acceptance. And they excel at blaming other people for their problems.

In short, they are a very extreme, very primal, form of addict. That's what happens with people trapped in addiction. Especially those that cease to develop emotionally and mentally at an early age. They blame everyone else. They want what they want - now. And screw whoever their actions harm. In the case of these people, I think their religious beliefs are their drug. And they get off on forcing other people to acknowledge those beliefs, and abide by them. And if other people don't, well, it becomes a need to control those people. It's not much different than the military wash-outs who have committed murder, or the men who have killed their entire families before killing themselves, lately. It's all about control.

When this sort of personality feels a lack of control, they lash out at the people they blame, or the people they care for. It's always one or the other. Although one could argue, if you kill someone you claim to love, you couldn't really love them all that much. The marine washout who killed his mom, some other relatives, and some strangers - what made him snap? Well, Mom died first. But he didn't stop there, did he? And he's hardly the only one in the past year.

Some people carry so much rage, so much impotence, that all it takes is a personal event in their lives to make them snap. And I think there is a LOT of personal angst in the lives of these people who persecute others. Obviously, there is in the case of the ones who snap and commit violence. But even the ones who simply make it their life's work to harass others who disagree with them - what kind of process do you think is happening there? It's all about a need for control. A need to get other people to comply with your demands. An unwillingness to accept reality.

These people aren't sane. They won't work within the system. They won't tolerate differences. They believe their belief system is the ONLY correct belief system. Observe the comment from Operation Rescue:

“We are shocked at this morning’s disturbing news that Mr. Tiller was gunned down. Operation Rescue has worked for years through peaceful, legal means, and through the proper channels to see him brought to justice. We denounce vigilantism and the cowardly act that took place this morning. We pray for Mr. Tiller’s family that they will find comfort and healing that can only be found in Jesus Christ.”

Note: "...comfort and healing that can only be found in Jesus Christ."

To them, this is the ONLY path.

They can't even imagine that people could believe differently. It's beyond these people. They are that limited, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I mean, first off, there is nothing peaceful about driving around in a big truck with pictures of dismembered fetuses plastered to the side of it. Or digging through someone's trash, sending postcards to their neighbors calling them "baby killers" or harassing their spouse's employer. They haven't worked through "proper channels". The people who followed them have killed in the name of their cause. They have harmed other human beings. All in the name of their belief in the right to life.

They are deranged. And our government should treat them as such. It's one thing to hold to your beliefs, to fight for what you think is right. It is a whole other arena when you drag other people's lives - people who are LIVING within the law - into it. And something needs to change. This cannot be allowed to continue in an allegedly free country.

I've been depressed for a few days now...

And then I realized, after watching a hilarious Monty-Pythonesque rendition of Shakespeare on youtube with my kids, that darn it, being depressed doesn't change a damn thing. And what I want, more than anything right now, is change.

However, the only way to create change is through effort. Effort is hard when you're depressed. But nothing changes if you don't make a decision to do something - then do it.

And that's the problem. So many kids in the state I grew up in become so depressed, they either give up and try to fit the mold their families and communities created for them, or they give up and become addicted to substances, or worse yet, end their lives.

I want to do something about that. I want to give these kids an 'out'. I want to give them someone to turn to when they feel like they have NO ONE they can talk to. I want to help them avoid what I went through. I want to give them hope.

But I'm not really sure how to accomplish that. I've started a facebook group, but that's not much. I need contacts in Texas. I need people to work with, people to support this effort. Because we need to overcome this prejudice, and the shame associated with being gay in the South. We have so *much* we need to do.

We have thousands of kids out there struggling with their identity. Many of them have been brought up in religious environments that make them feel like horrible people because they find themselves attracted to the same sex. And I'm not just talking about GAY kids here - I'm also talking about Bisexuals, transgendered kids, AND gay kids.

We have a large population of adolescents and young people we do very little for. We leave them to their families and communities, many of which are not exactly supportive of their personal, internal experiences. Not that I think they're intentionally non-supportive. Some of them just don't know better, or were just brought up to believe certain things. That doesn't make them bad. But it does make them ill-equipped to help a child dealing with these issues.

When someone is brought up in a religiously conservative environment, the realization that one does not "fit-in" can be overwhelming. Often to the point of self-abusive or suicidal behavior. I don't believe these people want to lose their kids to this kind of depression. But I do believe a lot of these kids need our help.

And I don't think some of these folks are equipped to help them. That's why I think we need more grassroots effort to give these kids the support they need. If it keeps one kid from killing themselves out of shame, it would be worthwhile.

In San Francisco, there has been a long-standing Gay & Lesbian center. No such thing exists in Austin. Even the GSA (gay-straight-alliance) organizations in High Schools are scarce in Texas. And it's time we correct that. These kids NEED our help. They need to know that realizing they are gay is not the end of their world.

Because the fact is, some kids are gay. They can't help that. They can't change that. Believe me, I tried, for over 25 years. Guess what? I was still gay. And I am not alone there. I have met many people in the last 4 years who didn't even admit they were gay until their 30's or 40's.

Being gay is not a choice. Believe me, if it were, I wouldn't be gay. No one wants to be ostracized, or disowned, or hated by people you've never met. But it's something we have to face when we come out, especially for some of us in the South. Places like Texas, and other Southern states, are not exactly hospitable when you come out as gay - or even Bi. God help you if you're transgendered.

But the fact is, these issues come up fairly early for most kids. Like the 4-year-old I had in a pre-school class in the late 80's, who spent his time playing with My Little Ponies with the girls. The child was constantly abused by his peers - despite my best efforts. And the fact is, until the parents down South realize that tolerance is an admirable trait, it will continue.

But people down here won't *learn* tolerance until they understand that even their family members might be part of the glbt community. And those members of the glbt community who are either hiding in the closet, or killing themselves to avoid the pain of ostracization, will not "come out" until we give them a safe means of doing so. Their families won't provide that. So it's up to the rest of us.

It's on our heads when these kids die, or condemn themselves to a miserable marriage to avoid their families rejection. They can't always do this alone. Sometimes, they need help. They need support, like any human being. Maybe that's why the Christian Right really fears books like "My Two Mommies" in school libraries. Maybe that's why they fear gay people - because they fear that their relatives will come out of the closet. Because they're there. I know they are. I was. And they have to know they're there, too.

But those people won't help them. They'll encourage their repression. And that has to change. We have to make that change, by providing an outlet for these people. WE have to give them someone to talk to, who isn't going to judge them based on who or what they are, or who they're attracted to. We have to be the family that isn't always available to them.

Again, it's not that their families are "bad". It's just that glbt folks have been so closeted in the South for so long, that a lot of these families haven't had the chance to get used to the idea. It's as much the fault of those of us who remained closeted, as the relatives who encouraged us to. But the only way to break that cycle is to give people somebody to talk to. We need PR, people.

We need a way to hook up distraught and desperate people struggling with their status to people who will listen. We need to provide a supportive environment for kids who are thinking they'd be better off dead. We need to reach out more. Help more. Judge less.

It's a seed right now. I don't know exactly what to do with it. I have ideas. I will explore them. But if anyone reading has ideas or suggestions to share, I am entirely open to that. Just don't tell me I'm gonna burn in hell. I've been there. I have a few scars, but none of them were burn marks.