It's been a very 'gay' day...

First, there was the TABC raid on a new gay bar in Fort Worth:
Rainbow Lounge

See also: Dymsum
An excellent blogger who also has links to the Dallas Voice story, as well as other links. Dave is my absolute favorite in Gay Bloggerdom :) He's thorough, and fair.

But what I really want to write about tonight is this: The Gay Family.

No, not "family", as in the sort of people I prefer to do business with (or make out with). "Family" in the sense of the recent CNN article "'Gayby boom': Children of gay couples speak out." See: Gayby Boom.

I am a gay mother of four. I did not realize I was gay until 2005. Originally, I thought I was Bisexual. Then, I drank and drugged myself to the point I wasn't even sure of that. It's a long, harrowing, and painful story. I'm working on the memoir.

But for now, let's start with my introduction to self-honesty, and springing out of the closet. I was 41. My late estranged husband had died 11 months prior. I had just broken my chemical addiction the month before, when I woke up one morning and thought "Holy Crap!!! No wonder that whole 'guy' thing wasn't working out for me!!! I'M GAY!!!!"

It was a rude awakening.

No, really. That is exactly how it happened.

However, being the almost intolerably honest soul that I am, I felt the need to spill the beans to my kids ASAP. It felt like I had been living a lie. I don't lie to my kids - not intentionally. First, I approached the closest thing I had to a friend - a gay man I had met in a 12-step program, and poured my guts out.

The next day, I contacted my oldest child on IM. I no longer have that hard drive, but essentially the IM conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Child: Good, how are you guys?
Me: We're good. But I have something to tell you...
Child:?
Me: I'm gay.


Child: Well, I figured it was something like that.


Yeah, it was no big shock to that one. The others were a little more surprised. The one child, who later turned out to be gay herself - something she couldn't admit for another 4 years - took it a little harder. Which is to be expected. She grew up with a somewhat homophobic father, and a mother in denial. She had some stuff to process.

All told, I have one gay child, one straight child, one bisexual child, and one child as-yet-to-be-determined, but almost certainly not heterosexual (not in any particular order to protect those who don't want their orientation broadcast to the internet). My genes have always run strong, I'm afraid. Even in eye color.

But if I had remained closeted, I'm not sure if my non-heterosexual children would have ever been honest with me. Texas is not an easy place if you aren't "straight." I can firmly attest to that on the basis of my own inability to come clean with my orientation.

So when I read articles like the one posted on CNN about the 'Gayby boom', I can't help but laugh. My children were RAISED by a Gay Mother. I just didn't accept that I was gay. Yet, most of them turned out to be less-than-heterosexual. But it wasn't due to their upbringing. They were brought up by a man and a woman. Just like the State of Texas insists they should be. Yet only one of them is actually "straight."

On the other hand, I have met a number of children of gay parents who really were "straight." These are generally only children. Born of a brief union between a gay woman and a straight man. For the record, I don't think either of the men I had children with were "straight." I know for a fact one wasn't, and given what I learned of the other later on, I don't really think he was either.

But it wasn't being brought up by "gay parents" that influenced their sexuality. It was simply who they are. Like me. I knew at the age of 8 that I found girls more attractive than boys. After 16, I chose to ignore that, because it was too painful to pursue (again, see the memoir). But it was always there.

I'm grateful my kids didn't have to live through the hell I went through. But I don't for a second believe that they were "made gay" by my "lifestyle". I know that's a lie. I haven't HAD a relationship with a female since I was 16. That one was so painful when it ended, boys seemed like a better alternative, no matter how loaded I had to be to sleep with them.

So this whole argument that being raised by a gay parent means "These children are more likely to experiment with same-sex relationships. They're more likely to be confused and hurt." is utter b.s. - I WAS a gay parent. I gave birth to, and raised these children, to think for themselves. To be kind to those who were different than them. To be fair.

And when their father died, they opened up to me. Especially after I got off the chemicals that made that relationship sustainable, and got honest with them about who I was. And they told me who they were. Who they were had nothing to do with who they were raised by, male or female. Who they were is who they were born to be.

And they've discovered who they are over the last few years on their own. They've come to their own decisions about who they're attracted to, what they like, what they don't. Without being exposed to a same-sex couple. Simply by being who they are. They are individuals, as every living human being is. And NO ONE has any right to tell them who or WHAT they should be.

We are entitled, as humans, to be what we are, as long as that doesn't harm anyone else. And what truly chaps my hide is when extreme conservatives try to make it their business when what I, or my children, want out of life, is nothing that concerns them in the least.

If my gay daughter wants to marry a woman - if she wants to have children with that woman - why should that be ANY different than me, a GAY WOMAN, having children with a man I did not truly love? How could that possibly be any worse for those children than having two loving, caring parents who love one another? Their sex doesn't matter. Their love for their children, and each other, does.