Since this is my big ole' gay blog...

This post seems more appropriate here, than in my other blogs. Yes, I have multiple blogs. I have a LOT to say. It comes from being such a quiet child :)

What's on my mind right now, however, is how the rest of the non-gay nation perceives me - and my non-heterosexual children. So this blog is more appropriate. Because this blog is about the sorrow and disappointment I've experienced for so much of my life. It's about the pain one experiences in realizing that one is not attracted to the opposite sex - and that one is, indeed, different.

Myself, I tried REALLY hard not to be different. Through two marriages, and four kids. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be ostracized - which is how I felt at 16 when I admitted to my family and friends that I was (*gasp*) in love with a girl.

And, in my case, it led to decades of self-delusion. Of efforts to be something I was not. "Normal", that is. Heterosexual. Or at the least, "bisexual", which still gave me heterosexual privilege. I wanted to be included, not outcast. Which was how I felt when I tried to 'come out'.

And since "coming out" to myself, I've felt some serious guilt about betraying the rest of the folks who DID come out firmly. Despite the potential losses they faced. I felt like a coward.

I do, however, understand the pressure I was under. I grew up in an area that was predominately Southern Baptist. I watched preachers dunk people in water to 'save their souls'. I refused, but later, when my mother married a Lutheran, I was given the choice between submitting, or losing my privileges to go outdoors.

This is also how I came to be confirmed in the Lutheran Church. I was showing up at confirmation classes stoned out of my gourd, and OD'd by the end, but you know, 'they' could claim I was a Christian. And that was all that mattered. To them. Especially my step-dad.

And decades later, when I admitted to myself - and my brother, who was all that was left of my extended family - that I was actually gay, well, guess who quit speaking to me? It's hard to be gay in this country. And it's hardest on the kids in the South. The pressure of society, family, and even friends, can make the process of coming out-of-the-closet a long, difficult, and laborious one.

Which is why I was so happy when my second-oldest came out at the age of 20. I was 41 when I finally found my way out-of-the-closet. I'm happy for her. She has her whole life ahead of her. And the opportunity to enjoy it being herself. Without hiding herself in a closet of fabulous clothes.

But it disturbs me when people express anti-gay sentiments. Especially those that complain about the prospect of gay marriage. Do you folks really want gay people marrying heterosexuals? We do, you know. To escape your wrath and condemnation. But it hurts everyone involved.

Because no matter how many men I married, or how many children I had, I was still a lesbian. My actions didn't change that. And my actions were not helpful to the men I married.

And while I will ALWAYS be grateful for the kids I had from those relationships - I wish I could have had them with someone who having a relationship with didn't make me want to die. And that's how those relationships with men affected me. Because forcing myself to try to be something I wasn't was so emotionally painful, I came close to not being able to deal with it at all.

And I'm not alone here. I know a lot of women who came out of the closet between 28-44. It's easier for us to hide. We blame it on hormones, or the men themselves. But it's not them - it's us. And our refusal to accept what we really are - Gay. Lesbians. Dykes. Frankly, I sometimes think the gay boys have it easier - even though a lot of them stay in the closet with straight marriages - because their hormones make it really hard to deny.

But for women, it's easy. If I can tolerate your company - or like you - then it's easy to delude myself. I can blame my lack of interest, sexually, on kids, or you being an asshole! But guys tend to know their sexual attractions deviate from the norm - even when they stay in those marriages. I swear, I'm coming back as a gay boy - just so I'll have a better sex life :)

But the result of this sort of denial is that a lot of us enter into marriages where we are unhappy, and often unfaithful, to the people we made vows to. Because we're trying to live up to heterosexual expectations of society. We aren't marrying the people we love. We're marrying the people everyone ELSE expects us to marry.

And I can't begin to explain to a straight person how that feels. I can't impart that sort of empathy. Either you can put yourself in someone else's shoes, or you can't. The closest I've ever come has been in dialogue in the cab:

Straight guy: "But how do you KNOW you're gay?!"
Me: "Let me ask you this: when you think of having sex with another dude, what's your reaction?"
Straight guy: "EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

Me: "Exactly."


I wasn't created to love men that way. Neither was my second-oldest daughter. Two of my daughters are - that's how they're wired. But for those of us not wired that way, it's a terrible injustice. It's wrong to demand that I lie about who I am and who I'm capable of loving intimately.

And the people who expect me to change that - when I've tried, and found I couldn't - should be ashamed of their egotism. I am not you. I am me. And I cannot love men in an intimate manner. And what right have you to tell me I should be able to? Your god created us both. And it created me as I am.