Nov. 7th, 2008

Well, I got through 5 hours of work before I started randomly tearing up. So maybe the worst has passed. I hope so. I hate when I get like this. And I really can't think of anything else I want pierced.

I'm eliminating the wellbutrin. I think it was making this harder than it had to be. Granted, it's never easy to come to grips with 30 states thinking you're a worthless piece of shit. Including the most progressive State in the Union. Hell, even the girl from Cali and the black dude who finally got me talking couldn't understand it. Black folks KNOW prejudice. Why on EARTH they would be party to propagating it is anyone's guess. Well, aside from religion, that is. They both saw that. And both thought it a very narrow-minded excuse.

It's a shame we can't export open-mindedness from Austin. Because it's a pretty great town in that respect. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by a high degree of narrow-minded bigotry - aka Texas. I'm thinking of writing a book. I want to call it "Closets Are For Clothes". (consider that copyrighted, folks) Or maybe, "How the U.S. Government Reinforced my Family's Retarded Belief-System". Nah, I like the first one better. I should be sleeping right now. But I seem to be having trouble with that. I slept TOO much this afternoon - which is why Lulu walked home to get me up to get Annie. And I couldn't nap before work when I tried to. And I was up FOREVER yesterday. And I have to get Ele this afternoon - and go by base because apparently there's a meter-rate change no one mentioned when I went to base Tuesday to replace the tire, or Wednesday to pay my lease. I'm guessing it's a downward adjustment - since the announcement just said "change", not "increase". Figures.

And yes, I am bipolar. I don't doubt it anymore. Not after this week. As fast as I slid to the bottom of my barrel on Wednesday morning, I no longer question it. And I'm quite sure the anti-depressants helped that slide, immensely. Granted, it got me in touch with a LOT of shit I had glossed over. The sheer impact of the realization that THIS (THIS being the universal hatred directed at people like me in our beloved country) is WHY I repressed my attraction to women in the first place, was invaluable.

And even the brouhaha the conservative Christians (and don't kid yourself Jen, it WAS about religion - just a really warped idea of that particular religion) stirred up in California may just be a good thing in the long run. Because it will infuriate people like me - people who have held their secrets so long, then risked 'coming out' only to be slapped in the face by an ignorant populace. By fearful people who treat me as a subhuman freak. I am NOT subhuman. And I WILL NOT settle for Second-Class citizenship. This is one bitch who ain't gonna sit on the back of the bus (and Goddess bless you, Rosa Parks).

I've watched this drama play out before. With the African-American population, the Hispanics, the Asians (especially after Vietnam), even with Women's Rights in the 70's - and believe me women didn't really HAVE a lot of rights in the 1970's, voting notwithstanding. And what we have to do from here is educate people - whether they like it or not. Nobody likes having to face facts. Hell, I've faced them kicking and screaming most of my life. But it's time. It's due. And it's necessary. And it's urgent.

And if nothing else, it will give me something to live for once my kids have all left home. I was wondering what excuse I was gonna use then, anyway. Now, I know.

My goal is to prove to a bunch of closed-minded people that I AM human. And deserve to be treated as such. And provided I can survive that internal voice that keeps wanting to kill me, I will pour every ounce of strength I have into that goal. I can't make promises on that part - it's a really loud, annoying voice. And it sounds a lot like my maternal grandmother. But I'm going to die trying, that much I promise. I will not be deemed insignificant. Because I matter. I count. And so do all my brothers and sisters who are facing this discriminatory, hateful, and fear-based legal discrimination.

We are queer. Hear us fucking roar.

Or write. Either way, maybe it will save some poor crazy christian's kid from going through what I went through.
And that alone would be worth it.
Because nobody should have to feel that bad for being themselves.

We, too, shall overcome.