I may need to get something pierced at this point.
The anger and the sadness I've felt the last 36 hours have apparently triggered a depressive episode. I can't stop crying. It'll stop for a bit, then the feelings start bubbling up again, until I'm crying uncontrollably. And I know that the shock of having California, of all places - as well as the 29 other states in the last few years - declare me sub-human is what set it off. But it's going well beyond what it should be, in my opinion.
Yes, it dug up a LOT of feelings that caused me to refuse to admit I was gay for 41 years. But it's out-of-control at this point. It's like my reaction to ending my friendships with Magan or Angie now. Just spontaneous tears, and an inability to regain an emotional center. I'm stuck in despair. And it sucks. I was up for more than 36 hours on 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I'm not well.
I may discontinue the wellbutrin tomorrow if I don't feel better by then. It could be contributing to this. Anti-depressants have been known to cause deep depression in people with manic-depressive tendencies. But right now, I'm stuck in a down place. And it feels godawful. And except for the ones I love, I hate straight people. And I am so disappointed in the lack of justice in this country that it's not remotely funny. And I still can't believe that in the year 2008 we have SO MANY narrow-minded people within our borders.
And you know, I'm really, really proud of Barack Obama. He stood up against a population well-known for it's prejudice, and he overcame. And I sorta resent that the hammerheads in California had to spoil that for me. As he said "We are and always will be, the United States of America". I'm just waiting to be a part of that. Because right now, I'm not. Not in my heart. Not even in my head.
My America doesn't even exist. Because in MY America, I have as much value as anyone else. And the same rights AND privileges as anyone else. But that isn't the America I live in - not in reality. In reality, I can still be hated and judged on the basis of my sexual orientation. I can still be limited, and have my rights limited, by my orientation. Because America HAS NOT EVOLVED to the point that it can accept me as human.
And coming to terms with that is horribly difficult. Especially now that I FEEL it. Now that I understand just HOW MUCH half the population of America despises me and my kind. And it hurts, more than I can express. More than I even understood as a child on a concious level. More than I imagined.
Obama said repeatedly, "Yes, we can!" But my little minority was not included in that statement. This New America is not mine. Your God does not bless me - but his followers condemn me every chance they get. And they don't EVEN KNOW ME. And I grew up afraid of that god, and his followers. And afraid to be honest about who I am and who I love. And goddammit, I'm sick to death of settling for what I can get from this country.
I want EQUAL footing. EQUAL rights. I want what EVERYBODY else already has.
I want to be validated - by my country.
And I want to stop fucking crying.
The anger and the sadness I've felt the last 36 hours have apparently triggered a depressive episode. I can't stop crying. It'll stop for a bit, then the feelings start bubbling up again, until I'm crying uncontrollably. And I know that the shock of having California, of all places - as well as the 29 other states in the last few years - declare me sub-human is what set it off. But it's going well beyond what it should be, in my opinion.
Yes, it dug up a LOT of feelings that caused me to refuse to admit I was gay for 41 years. But it's out-of-control at this point. It's like my reaction to ending my friendships with Magan or Angie now. Just spontaneous tears, and an inability to regain an emotional center. I'm stuck in despair. And it sucks. I was up for more than 36 hours on 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I'm not well.
I may discontinue the wellbutrin tomorrow if I don't feel better by then. It could be contributing to this. Anti-depressants have been known to cause deep depression in people with manic-depressive tendencies. But right now, I'm stuck in a down place. And it feels godawful. And except for the ones I love, I hate straight people. And I am so disappointed in the lack of justice in this country that it's not remotely funny. And I still can't believe that in the year 2008 we have SO MANY narrow-minded people within our borders.
And you know, I'm really, really proud of Barack Obama. He stood up against a population well-known for it's prejudice, and he overcame. And I sorta resent that the hammerheads in California had to spoil that for me. As he said "We are and always will be, the United States of America". I'm just waiting to be a part of that. Because right now, I'm not. Not in my heart. Not even in my head.
My America doesn't even exist. Because in MY America, I have as much value as anyone else. And the same rights AND privileges as anyone else. But that isn't the America I live in - not in reality. In reality, I can still be hated and judged on the basis of my sexual orientation. I can still be limited, and have my rights limited, by my orientation. Because America HAS NOT EVOLVED to the point that it can accept me as human.
And coming to terms with that is horribly difficult. Especially now that I FEEL it. Now that I understand just HOW MUCH half the population of America despises me and my kind. And it hurts, more than I can express. More than I even understood as a child on a concious level. More than I imagined.
Obama said repeatedly, "Yes, we can!" But my little minority was not included in that statement. This New America is not mine. Your God does not bless me - but his followers condemn me every chance they get. And they don't EVEN KNOW ME. And I grew up afraid of that god, and his followers. And afraid to be honest about who I am and who I love. And goddammit, I'm sick to death of settling for what I can get from this country.
I want EQUAL footing. EQUAL rights. I want what EVERYBODY else already has.
I want to be validated - by my country.
And I want to stop fucking crying.
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