It feels like rape....

I didn't understand until a moment ago. I've been running my day through my head over and over. First, the former friend who felt my advice was out-of-bounds, which would have been fine had she allowed me to respond rather than blocking me on facebook. I was even willing to apologize for some points, if not all.

Then, the trip to the doctor. Which was surreal, at best. First, I had to take Annie along - she had a tummy ache this morning. So as I'm sitting talking to the doc with Annie, he asks her if she knows why we have earwax. Huh? It's not really like Annie cares. But he explains: we produce ear wax to protect the inner ear. He then goes on to "proclaim" that "how could that be explained by evolution? Like that just happened?!"

Well, yeah doc, it just happened. Sorta like you just "happened" to make it through Medical School.

Sweet baby jeebus. I have know for 5 years that my doctor was a conservative - it took me a few visits to figure it out because I was really high on painkillers at the time - but I came to the conclusion early on that he was conservative, but harmless.

That was 5 years ago. Over the years, I've dealt with he and his wife's gung ho military commitment, his Christianity, and his narrow views. You should meet his kids away from the office - they bear no resemblance to their parents.

But today, when his wife decided to "pray" for me, I felt violated. It was like a spiritual rape. Because I knew these people, and I had trusted them, tolerated them, and felt like they had tolerated me. Until today.

And I KNOW rape, folks. I've been there, more than once. And there is nothing worse than feeling raped by someone you know and trust. And there is nothing harder than admitting that you feel that someone you know and trust has violated you.

And I have to admit, today, as this woman I previously liked decided to "pray" over me, it felt just like rape. And just as the times I was previously raped, I was afraid to say "No." I was afraid to speak my mind, to defend myself.

I may not ever go back to my doctor, actually. I'm not sure how I'll swing that, but I really don't think I can go back there. I felt spiritually raped today. I felt like someone else had taken my will, discarded my wishes, and imposed their own.

And that my friend, is rape.

Okay straight boys, what's up with this?

Now, I'm as about as understanding of men as any lesbian you'll meet. No, really, I am. After spending 25 years trying to convince myself I found males physically attractive, you can clearly see that I *obviously* got along with men to some degree.

I am NOT a man-hating lesbian, despite the last asshole who posted that repeatedly on my facebook and examiner.com column. I actually like most guys - as long as they can refrain from seeing me as fresh meat.

I mean, let's be honest here. Even most straight girls don't like being viewed as something to be conquered, unless that's a particular fetish of theirs. Most women like - and in fact would prefer - some degree of respect. It's ironic, really. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I was driving a cab, one of the first, and biggest, assholes I ran across was this dreadlocked asshole I picked up at the cab stand on 6th and San Jacinto. His first words were: "I bet I'm not as big an asshole as most of the guys who get in your cab!"

He then proceeded to prove himself horribly wrong.

His argument was one of tunnel vision: I couldn't possibly be gay, because evolution argued against it. Never mind the fact I had already managed to have 4 kids in heterosexual relationships. I just couldn't be gay. According to him.

We went through this for a good twenty minutes before I pulled over on Highway 71 and told him to get the fuck outta my cab. Had I had more experience, I would have just called the cops on him, but I was still a newbie. But he wasn't the last obnoxious straight guy who questioned my sexuality.

Now, bear in mind, I'm pretty visibly gay. I can only imagine what gay girls who look like any other girl go through once people learn they're gay. But what these people just don't grasp is how horribly insulting that is. When you are gay, growing up in a heteronormative society, you are constantly exposed to the idea that heterosexuality is the "norm."

Imagine, for a moment, that you are gay. You see couples, male and female, all the time. Families consist of men and women. Marriages consist of men and women. You are TAUGHT that the norm is male/female. But you're a boy who likes boys, or a girls who likes girls. Where the hell do you fit in?

Well, in heteronormative society, you don't. There is no place for you in the "traditional" family. You're different. If society were predominately Gay - then the hetero people would have the same issue. But since society is primarily heterosexual, YOU are different. And it takes GREAT courage to come out of the closet under those terms. Bless the girls and boys who understood that early on, but truth-be-told, a lot of us don't 'get it' until later in life.

It's not easy being gay (yes, I heard the Kermit joke in that too). It's not something we want to hear arguments about "why you should be hetero" or jokes about "that's so gay". You get sick of that shit. You didn't choose to be gay. You are. You know that. You cannot change that.

But when people - both those you've just met, as well as those you know well (including relatives) make comments or jokes like "are you sure?" or "how is that possible?", well, it's just freaking insulting. For me, it's frankly enough to piss me off royally.

I had a friend - I say had, because I deleted him on Facebook this weekend, despite having known him on a mailing list for years - who kept making jokes about lesbians that, frankly, offended the hell out of me. The first "joke" came a couple of months ago. He commented on a post I made about gay marriage. His reply was a long, involved scenario of why lesbians should be able to marry so he could hide in a tree and peep at them as they had sex. It was ludicrous, and I deleted it.

This weekend, I posted a facebook status about my 21-y.o. going downtown for the first time, with her sister and BIL to celebrate her birthday earlier this month. I joked in my first reply to him that I told her sister to "make sure she kisses a girl." He replied with this:

"C'mon, Michelle. Fairness dictates that hetero boys should at least have the opportunity to make asses of themselves before the young lady decides to opt out of the program. Our survival as a species is kinda dependent on adherence to these small, but vital, tacit understandings."

So. That ain't funny. No, not at all. So I deleted it and told him I understood he was just trying to be humorous, but it wasn't. He responded by stating I wasn't the spokesperson for all gay people, and that my daughter could handle the humor better than I could and - get this - that he's on MY SIDE.

Oh, fuck no. Anybody who spouts that shit after what each of us goes through accepting that we are different from "straight" people - oh, hell no. You aren't on my side. You aren't on my kid's side. You are a misogynistic asshole - and deserve to be called out on it.

Word up, guys. If a woman is a lesbian, it is not a personal rejection of your "manhood." It means she prefers girls. It means that is how she's wired. And hostility 'hidden' in humor is not hidden at all. It's fairly obvious.

There's enough misogyny in modern America without this shit. But you know what? This is exactly WHY so many women wind up marrying men when they really want to be with women. It's even more rampant among women than men. Women are trained from birth to heed societal expectations. And men like this just throw it in their faces when they come out of the closet. Trust me, there are a LOT more lesbians out there than you suspect. But most of them are afraid of upsetting the patriarchal cart.

Instead, they post on craigslist when the boys are out of town. Or their husbands find them in bed with a woman when they return home unexpectedly (and yes, I know at least two guys this happened to). Or they finally meet a girl and realize what they've denied for years. Men - grow up. Not every woman wants you. And that's okay. In fact, you're better off accepting it. Why would you want a woman who found sleeping with you repulsive, anyway?

There are plenty of straight or Bi girls out there who will dig you. So grow up, and let the queer girls have their happiness. Trust me, if you could ask my dead husband, he'd agree - it just ain't worth it. Any effort you make to convince someone to be something they aren't is effort wasted. But even worse, it's unfair.

Nobody tried to make you gay, did they? Don't try to make us straight. Live and let live, accept yourself, and accept others. We will all find far more peace that way.

But act like an ass, and boy, expect to be called out on it. Because that shit is misogyny, and it will not be tolerated.

Where to begin?

This blog began as a result of Prop 8. It was a result of my absolute despair that a state could give rights to GLBT people that we should already have as tax-paying citizens, then yank them away as a result of a "majority" vote. When, historically, has it been okay to vote on other citizen's rights? Never, that's when.

So today, as I watched my brothers and sisters - and their supporters - march on the Capitol, as I listened to the speeches, I was reminded once again. Why SHOULD we accept second-class citizenship? Who, in their right mind, would accept being held to the same standards, and the same tax obligations as we are, yet accept a form of citizenship that degrades, humiliates, and debases us?

Why should anyone live that way?

I'm at a loss folks. When I was playing a straight-white-middle-class-housewife, there's no way in hell I would have accepted my current status. And I'll be damned if I'll accept it now. It is not enough. It is not GOOD enough.

Now, as for why I'm angry right-this-minute, go to gay.americablog.com

The particular quote in question is as follows:

NBC just did a piece about today's gay rights march in Washington. For the political context of the gay community's ire, NBC went to Chief Washington Correspondent John Harwood. Harwood was asked if the White House was worried about "the left as a whole," and concerns they have that the White House isn't doing things that "the left" expected them to do. Harwood said the following:

"Barack Obama is doing well with 90% or more of Democrats so the White House views this opposition as really part of the Internet left fringe."

Harwood then went on to say:

"For a sign of how seriously the White House does or doesn't take this opposition, one adviser told me those bloggers need to take off the pajamas, get dressed, and realize that governing a closely divided country is complicated and difficult."

Funny, I didn't see any marchers in PJ's, did you? I, personally, am in my P.J.'s. I work at home - so I have the right and privilege of working in them when I feel like it. I didn't hire on to run a country. Obama did.

And so far, what I have seen out of President Obama is a lot of talk. Frankly, I'm appalled that he won the Nobel - and I think he is, too. Even he seemed to recognize it was unwarranted. The man has done none of the things he promised to do on the campaign trail. Not one thing.

Now, I'm not saying it's not hard running a large Democracy. I'm sure as hell not saying the man's life is easier than mine. I am saying that you don't shoot your mouth off about things you refuse to deliver. Maybe if he hadn't lied to at least 10% of America about his intentions, we wouldn't be so pissed off. And if his administration finds it that easy to belittle his constituency, well, maybe we should be a little more careful of who we trust.

I personally, do not trust Obama to deliver my Civil Rights. He may or may not accomplish other things in office. That remains to be seen. But I do not trust the man to deliver on his campaign promises. Twice, the DOJ - his people - have defended DOMA. Twice, he as asked SCOTUS to drop DADT cases.

He is not my president, yet. He may be, depending on his actions in the near future. But until then, me and my P.J.'s will keep blogging, thankyouverymuch.

I finally watched "Milk"...

Oh, sweet baby jeebus...

I'd seen, and learned most of what I needed to learn, from the documentary. But today, my college sophomore wanted to watch the movie. She was home sick, and I have a bum shoulder this week, so I figured, what the hell, right?

I heard a lot of this gay-bashing growing up. Anita Bryant. Gay prejudice. You're going to hell-because-this-is-Texas-and-we-said-so. I mean, I knew I liked other girls in 71' - but I didn't really worry about it until I hit adolescence in 75'. Which, incidentally, was about the time Ole' Anita hit her peak.

Now, by 1977, Anita was on her way out. The gay establishment (and yes folks, some of our people were established by then) had begun the boycott that led to Anita's bad press and subsequent downfall. Her hatred was no longer profitable, so her sponsors dropped her, to minimize collateral damage.

But like that kid in the wheelchair who called Milk from Minnesota - we Texans were not privy to this new political awareness. Our state continued to live in the total dark ages, as San Francisco slowly oozed it's way out of the dank, musty cellar of homophobia.

Now, more than 30 years later, it's clear that San Francisco isn't completely out of the cellar. Prop 8, coming hours after the election of President Obama, made clear that we have miles to go before we sleep.

BUT! And this is a big 'but' - we have made inroads. Progress, even. While same-sex marriage is only officially recognized in a few states - Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine and most recently New Hampshire - providing none of the anti-gay movements succeed in negating this progress - we have still made an impact.

But it's not enough. It's not enough for that teenage kid that everyone else KNOWS is gay - but is terrified to tell his or her parents. It's not enough for that kid debating substance abuse or suicide to deal with their pain. In short, it's just not enough, people.

No child should have to choose between living honestly with themselves, and pleasing their friends or family. What kind of choice is that?! One of my neighbors, whose child told my child that "by the time you believe in Jesus it will be too late" asked me how I would feel if "one of my kids came home a christian?" And I told her, after asking her how she'd feel if one of her kids came home and announced he's queer - I'd love them anyway! Just as I would expect her to do.

People focus too much on differences - especially when religion is involved. But if you take "god" out of the equation - we are all still people. And we all still need other people. We need our community - differences and all. As Harvey Milk tried desperately to teach them - we need each other.

But we cannot help each other if we focus on hate and differences. We have to focus on similarities, and love. And isn't that what anyone's 'god' is about? The concept of God is about love, that's what I have deduced. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe GOD is this hateful, spiteful, revengeful thing the popular right wing Christians keep talking about. I'd like to think they're wrong about that.

But whether it is or not, as an atheist, I don't have any investment in it. It is not my god. And the idea that my Civil Rights can be determined on the basis of their god - which is not mine - is highly offensive. I pay the same taxes. Should I not have the same rights? Have these people ever *heard* of the concept of separation of church and state?

The irony, to me, is that the same groups that carry signs depicting Obama as Hitler are the same people who would tell me that I am inferior due to my orientation. They, like Hitler - would judge me inferior because I differ from them. They have yet to demonstrate how they are better than me - in fact they seem to strive towards proving their inferiority - yet somehow, on a political playing field, I am determined "less than." All because they are "Christians."

I do not think these people are truly 'Christians'. Of course, it doesn't really matter what I think. The people I would consider "Christians" are not speaking out against the so-called 'Christians' who are doing their damnedest to make queer people - children and adults alike - feel inferior. They aren't making an effort to minimize suicides amongst queer teenagers. They aren't reaching out enough to their communities.

So why SHOULD I distinguish between the far conservative right nut-jobs who don't care if we kill ourselves, and the Christians who claim to care, yet do nothing?

If you care, stand up on this day - National Coming Out Day. Stand behind your mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Leave the baby jeezus at home. Consider your friend or loved one as a human being - like you. Judge them not on their attractions, but on their humanity. Think about what you want for your life - then apply it to theirs.

It's truly the "christian" thing to do. But don't be offended if you find people of other faiths - or none at all - standing up for queer folks. Because ultimately - in case you missed the sarcasm - this isn't even about religion. It's about people, and love, and doing the right thing. All of which supersede religion. Orientation, like marriage, isn't about religion at all. It's about people.

We're here, and we're queer. So, once again, get used to it. We aren't going anywhere. And we sure as hell aren't going back in the goddamn closet.

Keep your religious beliefs off my kid!!!

Christians, that is. They seem to believe they have a monopoly on the United States.
Newsflash: They don't.

While I will be the first to admit that I do not encourage Christianity at home, given that I am not a Christian, I do not believe this qualifies as a failing. My neighbor, however, seems to think so.

Is it any wonder that I keep to myself?

Okay, here's what happened. My youngest, at the tender age of 9, made friends with a neighbor boy aged 7. They live a few doors down, and we've been here for 5 years, so she really didn't get acquainted with him until his parents let him out of the house for Public School. I'm certain his mother regrets that at this point. In fact, I'm pretty sure they had a McCain sign in the yard last fall.

They played together a bit over the last few days. All seemed well. Then this afternoon Annie marches into my room and spews out a trail of words "Jeezus, and if I didn't believe in him, and too late...."

Essentially, the 7 year-old began preaching at her. Annie didn't appreciate it, in the least. Then he pulls the cracker: "by the time you believe in Jesus it will be too late!"

Insert Mama Lion.

You do NOT tell my kid what to believe, nor belittle them because they do not hold your beliefs. Period. I don't care if you are 7 or 70, Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Zoroastrian. I do, however, hold parents responsible, not 7-year-olds. So I went to the source.

The source is a dimwit blonde who hasn't lost the baby-fat - from the last few babies. Sorry, that's insensitive, but so is she, and besides, I'm pissed. I don't feel inclined to be kind right now.

I'll give her credit, she made him apologize after the extensive philosophical discussion I attempted to engage her in - you know, "your beliefs aren't the only beliefs", "people should respect other beliefs", etc.. - she still didn't really get it. She kept focusing on how it wasn't the boy's fault. I kept insisting that of course it wasn't his fault - he's parroting what you teach him.

I also pointed out that MY KID doesn't make fun of HIS beliefs. That went right over her bleached blonde head. Well, except when she pointed out that Annie also repeats what she learns at home - like being an atheist. Still, she didn't get the point that as an atheist, Annie doesn't try to convert people, whereas her kid does.

The term "proselytizing" came up repeatedly (from my side), but she still didn't understand. She just kept saying "but he meant well." To who? My kid? I'd hardly call his statements to my kid "meaning well." As I pointed out AGAIN, he was repeating what he learned at home. And AGAIN, I pointed out that MY KID doesn't attempt to convert kids to atheism. Annie understands that people are different, and that's okay.

I'll admit, "Mrs. Christian" was a little at a loss for words when she asked me how I would react if one of my kids decided they were Christian (actually "decided to accept Jesus" and I said "I'd love them anyway" then countered with "what if one of your kids were gay?" She didn't have a comeback for that one.

Maybe I'm being harsh, but I watched this woman's face as we talked. I am an introvert. I pay attention to people's body language, because I don't communicate as well verbally. I observe motives. And even though this woman marched her son over here to apologize, I do not believe for one second that she thinks his actions were inappropriate.

Fortunately, I don't really have to worry about it. Annie announced over a year ago "I wish nobody had ever invented this 'God Concept'." Annie is not in any danger of succumbing to what I would consider brainwashing. And yes, as her parent, I instilled some of those values. However, I also encourage her to think for herself and come to her own conclusions - and more importantly, I strongly discourage making fun of others for their beliefs, or anything else.

Live and let live. That is the family motto.

But this lady has a different sort of family. Seven-year-olds don't preach damnation without a little prompting. That is not how they are wired. And that, quite frankly, is what pisses me off about the far right - and this woman - they don't appreciate how well they 'train' their kids. Their children are trained in fundamentalism at an early age. The question is, what about their gay kids?

Because they DO have gay kids. Whether they admit or not, whether they make the prospect of 'coming out' too hellish to consider or not - they DO have gay kids. It's unavoidable.

What KIND of mother would indoctrinate their child in such a way that the sheer idea of being gay might make them suicidal? Who DOES this shit? Who raises a child to believe that there is ONE way - the RIGHT way? I mean, my family did a pretty bang up job in that arena, but even they weren't that bad. And considering how badly they destabilized my psyche, can you imagine the impact on a child reared in a fundamentalist Christian home? It's fucking child abuse.

So while my initial anger was directed at the diss towards my own child, my vehement anger is more personal. I *know* what it feels like to be made to feel that who you are isn't "right" or good enough. And the idea that there are people like this raising GAY children appalls me.

Sad. It's all so fucking sad. And infuriating. How dare they? I don't care who you worship in your spare time. I don't care who your god is. But keep it to your fucking self. And don't drag anything into your home that makes your kids (or their guests) feel unaccepted. What kind of parent does that?

My guess is my neighbor.

Excuse me, I'm affecting your marriage how?

I'm not quite sure where to begin. Between Maggie "NOM" Gallagher and M.D. Harmon from Maine, I'm not sure who I'm most offended by.

First, let me say I've played a heterosexual - not on TV, but in real life. I gave all I had to the part, and wound up with some serious substance abuse problems for my efforts. But hey, what's a Southern Baptist cum (forced) Lutheran girl to do? (you'll have to wait for the memoir there, folks).

For the record, I'm an Atheist now. I believe in the power of love and compassion. But I don't truly believe in gods or goddesses - although if I need the word, I'll pull goddess out before god, because I'm also a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. Old School style. No, really - I mean old school.

It helps that I have four daughters. It's a major impetus to feminism, having multiple girl-children. As a mother, you get protective. You develop not only a defense, but an offense. You foresee the difficulties your offspring will face, and you prepare them for battle. Which is why I will spend two nights a week for two weeks driving my college sophomore home from her self-defense classes this fall. For the record, it was her idea. See how well I raised them?

Seriously, though, I was brought up to believe - by my mom - that I could do whatever I wanted to do. Trouble is, I didn't take that advice to heart until I was 41. That was 17 months after I left my last husband - and 10 months after he died. By that time, most of my extended family was dead, or not speaking to me, what little was left. Until that point, I had been trying to fit in. Trying to salvage the last bit of respectability and acceptance I thought was available to me. I had lived in fear - both of rejection, and ostracization.

Because, let's face it, on some level - unconscious as it was - I knew I was gay. The trouble was, it was unconscious. I had crushes, well after that first girlfriend and two subsequent husbands - but I never acted on them. I couldn't. I had children. And my last husband threatened to take them if I left him, which I tried to do. By having an affair with the guy at my real estate office. Hey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

But despite my own insanity and denial - and it was deep and unsound, my denial - I raised good kids.I taught them not to make fun of others. I taught them that people are different, and that making fun of those differences was unacceptable. That's one thing they learned firmly - it is OKAY for people to be different. Even my own mental illness couldn't keep me from teaching them that.

And they learned. They carried it with them through elementary and middle school and high school and beyond. It was a good thing. And I'm sure it helped immensely when one of my children came out as Bi, and another as Gay, as difficult as that was for both of them - and make no mistake, it was hard for them, even with me out-of-the-closet. It's never easy to admit you are 'different'.

So to read the bullshit from the right wing - people like Gallagher and Harmon - my mother instincts kick in. I'm enraged. I'm outraged. How dare these narrow-minded a-holes dictate what a relationship between two loving individuals should be? How dare they take MY and my KID'S taxes, apply them to heterosexual couples, and leave MY kids out in the cold? What right have they?

None. That's my answer. They have NO right to dictate who I or my children love. They have NO right to appropriate OUR tax dollars to support THEIR heterosexual families. If I, or my children, are deprived of the federal rights granted to every heterosexual family, then dammit, queers shouldn't have to file taxes, State or Federal!!!

Seriously, why should we support them, if they work to deny us? If we're second-class citizens, why should we pay First Class Citizen tax rates? I spend thousands of dollars annually on property taxes. I do this because I still have a child in school. But let's think about this. Once that child graduates, as two others have in this School District - why should I pay taxes?

I'm not allowed the same benefits as a heterosexual is. If I partner with someone in the State of Texas, I am forbidden by Constitutional Amendment to marry them! So why should I pay for other people's kid's education???

It's not like I'm a single heterosexual with the ABILITY to mate and marry. I'm a queer. I've paid for MY kid's educations. Why should I pay for YOURS? I mean, if we're going to be fair about this - why the hell should the heterosexual community expect a dime from me? We pay taxes based on representation, yes? I'm NOT represented. I owe you nothing.

It could be argued: well, single people have to pay taxes, too. Yes, but what if a gay couple isn't single? Do they get the same tax benefits when they file their taxes for PAYING those property taxes? No. They don't. They are treated as two single individuals. Not spouses. Singles. Their relationship is not only unrecognized, their contribution as a couple is unrecognized. Where is the fairness in that?

Heterosexuals who do not marry have the OPTION of marriage. We don't have that in Texas - or most states. We are treated as Second-Class Citizens, despite the fact we pay taxes on wages, taxes on property. We are given fewer rights, for the same input to our government. We ARE Second-Class Citizens. We give, yet get less in return than our heterosexual counterparts. And why?

Because we are different. Because there is a faction in current society that sees us as a threat - they have yet to explain exactly what that threat is, but by God, we are a threat. To their marriages, their children, their churches. We are the Evil that threatens their standard of living - even though our tax dollars have been financing it for years - gay couples sure as hell don't benefit from SSA survivor benefits - as I and my child do from my late husband, and her sisters until they graduated HS. Even though they have Gay family members they deny - just as my Christian brother denies me - even though we teach their children, participate in their non-profits - we are, in fact, everywhere. In all professions, all fields. All families.

I am the only openly gay mother who has picked up my youngest from her elementary for the last 4 years. I have never encountered hostility from her teachers, her classmates, or their parents. Some of them might have found me a bit odd, with the tattoos and lip rings and short hair - but they were kind and courteous. My child has never been abused by her teachers and classmates. She has not been ridiculed. In fact, she's so confident, she presented her biography of Thomas Alva Edison in drag - and came home happy about it. In Texas, no less.

My point is that the few, the narrow minded, the bigoted, do not represent the majority. They might claim to, through signatures, and insistence on ballots. But ballots are meaningless. Beyond the simple fact that our Constitution makes clear that the rights of a minority should not be decided by a majority vote, the only people who SIGN these forms are people solicited by people with an agenda. People who inspire fear of the "other". People who try to convince others that their own rights will be swept from them by other people demanding their OWN rights.

And that is a complete and utter lie.

We only want the rights we would have if all of us "played straight", as I did. The rights everyone should have to establish families, contribute to their communities, and receive the same validation we would have if we pretended we were heterosexual. We want to live honestly. In public. We want acceptance, because we cannot change what we are, many of us have tried, and suffered for it.

We are not hurting you. We pose no threat to your marriage, your children, or your faith. But bear in mind - some of your children WILL be gay. My parents were straight. Straight parents does not mean straight kids. None of us choose to be gay. Who in their right mind would? But if you care, if you give a good goddamn, then for the sake of your own family members, end this war you've created. I cannot imagine putting my child through it. And I cannot see how you could put yours through it. Not in good conscience.

What is "gender", anyway?

Well, for starters, it's a question too few people ask. And something a lot of people really don't understand. Which is why you'll find a couple of definitions at the bottom of this post for words you may be unfamiliar with.

When most *cisgendered (see definition below) people speak of "gender", what they're actually talking about is "sex" - the genitalia you're born with. Or the DNA, in the case of intersex people. For most of the population "sex" and "gender" are synonymous. But for people with gender issues, they aren't.

Now, before we get into gender issues, let's talk about why sex and gender are different things. Let's say a child is born with ambiguous genitalia, and, for example, in the case of a male child (in terms of DNA), this lack of appropriate equipment cannot be effectively remedied by current surgical techniques. If this child is raised as a girl, as David Reimer's parents discovered, it will affect them. David wasn't even born intersexed - his deformity was a result of a botched circumcision. David committed suicide at 38, after being raised as a girl until 14, when he was told the truth. He also rebelled against the gender he had been raised as. This had to be an ordeal for him, considering the hormones and surgery he had to face to "become a girl." Before his untimely death, he transitioned to male and married a woman. But his situation still obviously impacted him.

But gender - that internal feeling of who we are on the gender spectrum - and yes, it is a spectrum, which I'll get to later, is overpowering. And I believe it goes beyond DNA or genitalia at birth. It goes beyond the "sex" we are born as, as many cases of intersex infants has shown - I'd do your research for you, but you have access to google, folks. But, and here's the part where most cisgendered people get lost, it isn't just about the xx or xy chromosomes. It's about the brain.

Many people attempt to blame "gender confusion", as they call it, on the child's parents. But there have been studies conducted, for example, that show that excess testosterone on female fetuses in utero produces girls who think and act more like boys. There have even been documented cases of this producing a "male" finger pattern in these girls. There have also been studies that suggest certain areas of the brain differ in size in male-to-female transgendered people, and it has been suggested that the sex hormones - like testosterone and estrogen - play a part in the development of our brains in utero.

I'll grant you, we have no hard-and-fast scientific explanations yet. No more than we have a genetic code for why some folks are gay or bi or straight. But we do know this - some people do NOT feel like their gender matches the sex they were born as. Some people do not even feel that one sex or the other fits how they feel. This is sometimes referred to as transgendered, but often, it's simply a case of someone existing at a different place on what some people refer to as the "gender continuum." Some people use the term "**genderqueer."

In other words, the brain may not match the body - or the DNA that determines the sex of that body, to various degrees. Obviously, a lot more scientific research needs to be done to understand why that is, but transgendered people have existed for centuries - possibly since people have existed. We have no way to determine how long this feeling of being something you were not born as goes. What we do know is that there are many, many people in the modern era who did not feel that their "sex" matched their "gender", to some degree.

There were also many people most would now call transgendered who existed in the past. The Native Americans called them "two-spirits." They were usually revered, and often became spiritual leaders in those cultures. They weren't condemned and despised as they so frequently are today in America, and were found in most Native American tribes. They were considered the embodiment of both the feminine and masculine spirits in one body.

But today, it seems a lot of people judge transgendered people harshly - or anyone who breaks gender expectations. They are often victims of violence, and that even crosses over to those in the gay population who exhibit gender traits that are not traditional male or female traits. We get tagged with terms like "flaming queens" or "butch dykes." It has become a morass of hatred against those who express their gender differently than their genitals indicate they should in the opinion of *cisgendered persons who will only accept a dichotomy of sexual existence. This isn't solely a problem in the heterosexual community, either. Even other gay and bisexual people have these prejudices.

And honestly, I've met several transgendered people who started out believing they were just 'gay', but discovered on their journey that the issue they had to deal with first was where they were on the gender continuum. Not all transgendered people are gay after transition. Not all transgendered people are straight after transition. People confuse the issues of orientation and gender, in addition to confusing sexual presentation with gender.

Take, for example, those of us who are androgynous. We identify with both ends of the spectrum to some degree. Does that mean I want to be a man? No, it doesn't. If I wanted to be a man, I wouldn't have given birth to four beautiful children. But you also won't catch me dead in a dress, nail polish, or make-up. I like my hair short. My natural mannerisms lean more to male than female mannerisms. I have been "sir'd" repeatedly, mainly by people who weren't paying much attention. Sort of like the clerk who mistook my youngest daughter for a boy recently, because her hair is short, and she likes to wear more "boyish" clothes sometimes - or the one that mistook my oldest grandson for a girl simply because he has longer hair than most boys (he's also very pretty for a boy).

Now, I didn't always accept my own androgyny. In fact, I tried very hard for much of my life to be the "girl" I thought my mother and others wanted me to be. I wore dresses on occasion. I tried to figure out make-up, too. Frankly, I felt like I looked like a guy in drag. But I had an experience that forced me to face my fears of being who I was. It was the sort of experience most people don't have the opportunity to experience.

After many years of attempting to be bisexual, and developing a major painkiller habit in order to tolerate what I was doing to myself, I went cold turkey. Now, I'll grant you, my substance abuse was a means of enforcing my denial of who I was. My fear of not meeting other people's expectations of who and what I should be fueled a desperate need to escape my own discomfort. However, the withdrawal I experienced, given the extent of my addiction, was traumatic, overwhelming, and extremely eye opening.

To begin with, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. The image I had built in my head of "who I was" bore absolutely no resemblance to the image in the mirror - or my actual feelings about who I was. My internal "image" was far more feminine than what I saw, or how I felt. This was part of my denial that led to my addiction. The addiction helped me suppress my preferences, both in terms of gender and sexual orientation.

It was another month before my brain was ready to tell me the Big News. I woke up one morning from a dream about my first girlfriend, who had broken up with me at 16. I had totally suppressed her from my memory during my addiction. I had forgotten, in fact, that I ever identified as bisexual. But that morning the truth hit me like a large boulder - I woke up and realized I'm gay.

Now, I was 41 when all this happened. In retrospect, I can see how it happened, and how much of it was simply due to the expectations I had internalized that I didn't feel I could live up to. But having all of it hit me at once forced me to face my fears. The first thing I did when I was well enough to go anywhere, after about 7 days of absolute physical and mental torture from that withdrawal, was go shopping.

Nothing in my closet felt right. Not even my shoes. So I bought jeans and t-shirts and shoes that felt more like "me." It took a few months to work up the nerve to cut my hair short. It had been in a virtual boy-cut until I started first grade, which I think is when I began to develop these expectations of myself based on other people's reactions. But I had so much shame that I was afraid of doing things I wanted to do. I was afraid of expressing my preferences.

Four years later, I still struggle with that shame sometimes. There are a lot of clothes in the men or boy's department (and being 5' 4" and 116 lb., I can generally shop in the boy's department) that I *like*. The cut of boy's shirts is more comfortable to me than the fitted cut of "girl clothes." I wound up buying a lot of my clothes at The Gap and Express, as a result. At least what they sell is more androgynous - at least enough to cause me little discomfort.

Still, it took me a good 3 years to really get to a point where I was okay being who I really am. I had to work at it. I had to bend gender rules and face my fears. And to some degree, I still have to. But by examining my gender, my preferences, my likes and dislikes, I've begun to get in touch with both my masculinity and my femininity. In the beginning, it was all so confusing. The image I had held in my head for so many years wasn't me - so who was I really? I've had to answer that question for myself, and find my comfort level. And given how late in the game I got started, it is still an ongoing process.

Because of my experience, I understand the confusion, judgment, and fear that cisgendered people have of people who don't conform to a gender dichotomy. The first time I actually saw a transgendered person who was in the process of transition, it terrified me. Because it touched a deep fear in me. Something I still can't really identify. Something that comes from that deep childhood fear of rejection and abandonment.

But the more I learned about gender, and how it exists on a continuum, the less judgmental I was. It became easier to address someone going from male-to-female as "she." It was natural when one of my friends began transitioning from female-to-male to refer to him as "he." I began to understand that we are not always what we feel we are, and some people feel a desperate need to change that, in order to be comfortable in their own skin.

When I was 13 years old, shortly after my father's suicide, I changed my name. For years I've wondered why I really did that, but I understand now why I did. I was named after my father. I identified with him. I even have mannerisms and speech patterns that duplicate his - which is why people always wonder why a life-long Texan has Wisconsin speech patterns. But all I had left after he died was my mother - and my mother was all girl. And I needed my mother. So tried to become what I thought she wanted me to be, whether it was really what she wanted or not.

Society, and sometimes families, impose a lot of expectations on children. Many of those expectations - like don't lie, don't cheat, take responsibility for your actions, etc. - are all good, and reasonable, expectations. But when we place an expectation on someone regarding their orientation or gender, we are essentially telling them that they cannot be who they are, or we will not love them. We will reject them, ostracize them, and abandon them. Until you feel that conflict in your own soul, you cannot imagine the damage that can do.

There is a gender continuum. I consider my self to be androgynous, and to some extent "genderqueer." I don't feel like I always belong to one gender. Sometimes I feel more boyish, sometimes I feel like a girl. But I know in my heart, I embody both. I know that my brain operates differently than either the male or female sex.

It took me 41 years to even start to figure that out. It took several years to accept it. It also took that acceptance for me to get over my fear of people like me. People with gender issues. I have nothing but admiration for the people who transition because of this. However, I think society at large has a long way to go in understanding that just because a person is not cisgendered, that doesn't make them "wrong." It just makes them different from people who are comfortable in their male or female role assigned at birth (or through early childhood intervention). And everyone has a right to be who they are, if you ask me. No one asks to feel uncomfortable in their own skin. But everyone ought to have the right to do so - without judgment.

So if my daughter wants her hair short, or my grandson wants his hair long, if my daughter wants to dress in drag for a school report, or my grandson wants to wear jewelry, I say more power to them. Gender roles should not be determined by people outside you. Society has no right or obligation to stick a round peg into a square hole. We are all individuals, and the sooner we learn to treat each other as such, the sooner tolerance will truly be a human trait.

Love, compassion, understanding. These are the spiritual principles that tolerance is made of. We need more of all four, and less hate and judgment.



*Cisgender is a "newer term" that means "someone who is comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth." see this Wiki.
**Genderqueer - People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both male and female, as being neither male nor female, or as falling completely outside the gender binary. Some wish to have certain features of the opposite sex and not all characteristics; others want it all. See this Wiki.