Eh, it's always a new day...

Mans inhumanity to man...

2009-11-18T20:24:00.002-06:00

It's a fact. There is no God in anyone's belief system more cruel and inhumane than human beings can be to each other.

I came to this conclusion a few years ago after participating in a 12-step program that insisted I must have a "god of my understanding." My understanding of reality leaves no room for a god. Yes, I've heard the argument of "free will." I don't buy it. If there truly was a loving god, it wouldn't have created so many people capable of such horrible atrocities. Natural disasters wouldn't wipe out hundreds or thousands of lives at a time. There is no room in my perception of reality for a "loving god with a will" for me.

Now, it was a long road for me from accepting that I do not believe in god, and accepting those who do. But I have managed to develop a reluctant acceptance for those that attempt to force their god down my throat. They believe the things they say, they bought into it early on, I understand that. I understand that it helps them make sense of the injustice in the world. It just doesn't work that way for me.

To me, there is reality, and there is religion. The two don't cross paths in my head. I see the world, and the people in it. I don't see imaginary beings with a benevolent will for me in that world. And there is a damn good reason for that.

Now, this might be indicative of psychopathology on my part, but I read about crime. I seek it out. And I feel for every victim of crime. I cry. Because I don't understand it. Anything I don't understand, I seek to unravel. I *want* to understand why these people do horrible things to other people - mainly because I believe that deep down, there has to be a way to stop people from doing these things. I believe humanity is not meant to demonstrate the kind of cruelty it does, and I want to know *why* people do these things.

Still, it's painful to hear about. Parents killing their kids. Men killing their entire families. No, women don't do that - they will kill their children or themselves, but not their boyfriend or spouse. Look at the cases - it doesn't happen, and I don't know why. Then there's the 15 y.o. in Missouri who killed the 9 y.o. because she "wanted to know what it felt like to kill someone." How does this happen? What goes wrong in the heart or soul or brain of someone capable of indiscriminately taking another life?

There is no shortage of examples of violence of this sort. The mother accused of prostituting her child, who was later found murdered. The psychiatrist who killed 13 at Ft. Hood. Man is capable of abominable violence - even against those you would expect them to love. The man who entered a gym this year and indiscriminately murdered women he didn't even know. Honestly, the list is long and depressing. The last year alone would bring you down.

And I want to understand. I want to fix it. I want to keep it from happening. And I feel so powerless to change it. I wish sometimes that I *could* believe in a god, and blame it all on it's unfathomable will. But I can't. I can't help that I believe people are responsible for these atrocities - not some god. No god I would want on my side would even allow the violence against people that other people have bestowed on them. If I were a god that had created such a people, I would slit my throat. It would be justice.

Every act of violence diminishes us. It takes a life that should have continued. It brings grief on those who love the victim. It sometimes creates even more violence. That's no way to live.

Consequently, I'm torn on the death penalty. Do I condone the death of a human who I really think is less than human? Philosophically, that puts me on their level, no? But I still, deep down, think there are some people so defective and evil that they really should be eliminated. I mean, think about it - prisoners can marry. They can have conjugal visits. I really don't want these people to breed. If what made them what they are was a hard-wired brain issue, I don't want their progeny on my earth.

So, deep down, I do believe in the death penalty. I wouldn't hesitate to kill rats or mice or cockroaches contaminating my home. I view killers with a similar philosophy. Maybe that makes me bad, I don't know. It's hard to say.

But more than anything, I want to understand the mechanisms that make people do these things. Somewhere, there is an etiology. Somewhere, there is a solution. Somehow, we have to find it. I don't care if it violates people's privacy. That's a small fucking price to pay to identify problems before they result in death or abuse. It's like drunk driving - fine, drawing blood might violate your perceived civil rights - but if you are putting other people at risk with your blood alcohol level, why shouldn't you get caught? Especially if it spares someone down the road.

From hate crimes to child abuse and murder, to the senseless death of a friend of a friend - there's no reason to tolerate this. There's no reason not to actively and aggressively seek answers. To attempt to save lives by identifying the diseases and thought processes that lead to this misery and injustice. There just has to be a better way.

To me, we are god. And we must look after ourselves - and each other.

You know, I could be writing for money right now...

2009-11-17T20:54:00.002-06:00

As minuscule as that generally is. However, something more important is on my mind than the issue of Civil Rights in Austin alone. People, individual people, are on my mind right now.

I have made some incredible friends on Facebook - people from all walks of life. Gay, straight, male, female or other - I've just met some incredible people I wouldn't have met without this social networking tool. The fascinating thing to me is that I am SO much better for having met them.

I've been exposed to ideas and attitudes I might not have encountered in real life - probably wouldn't have in Texas. There have been disagreements, yes. People who have even blocked me. But really, they just couldn't handle the fact that I speak what I think, or they had their own shit to deal with and couldn't handle the conflict. And let's face it, I tend to encourage that sort of thing. The rest, and there are far more of those, are able to conduct dialogue. We discuss. We debate. We learn. We learn from each other.

In 1993, when I first got on the internet, there was little to be found. 1200 baud, and nary a snippet of information to be googled - actually, Google wasn't even invented yet. It was frustrating. Mainly because I felt there *should* be more online. So much knowledge, living in SO many heads! Why wasn't it there?!

As you can see, I was impatient. My expectations exceeded the age of the medium. It hadn't "grown up" yet. Apparently, neither had I.

It was a few years before the internet began to grudgingly meet my expectations - not that I helped much. I wanted it now, but it didn't occur to me that I could contribute. Fact is, I wouldn't have known where to begin. I was still figuring out the autoexec.bat file on Windows...I was slightly nerdy - but I wasn't an activist yet.

Then, around 99', I began selling books online. At first it was just looking up books I had cataloged for my FIL's library. But after my FIL died, my almost-late-ex commandeered a lot of his books, and suggested I sell some of them online to make ends meet. I regret that. I loved those books, as well as my FIL Palmer, and the proceeds really should have gone to my late MIL, but that's another nightmare. As I've said in past posts - wait for the memoir.

Anyway, by 99' I was spending a lot more time online. The available info was still marginal. But there were more people. This was mostly mailing lists. But they were interesting, sometimes scary, people. People with ideas I had never really thought about. People who were outspoken, sometimes vitriolic, but always true to themselves. I was in love.

I haven't spent a great deal of time offline since - well, yes, I have had a life, but I never completely lost touch. I discovered a whole new world online. People I could discuss, argue and debate ideas with. Something I seldom encountered in childhood. It was magical to me. Even when I took the brunt of it. It was amazing! You could actually *disagree* with people here. And the sky didn't fall! Even better, you could disagree, and people would STILL talk to you!

The best part, to me, was at some of the most trying points in my life, those people I met online were still there for me. They supported me, and saw me through the worst. I'll never forget that.

And in the years since, I've had the opportunity, no - privilege, of being there for other people. People I had met online. Friends. As well as people just coming out of the closet - some of whom I met in real life as well - and people struggling with family and circumstances. I have been allowed to be a friend. I have been able to be an advocate, as well. I'm incredibly grateful for that. It's why I'm out. And it's part of why I love the net.

And you know, I could do a whole blog on that alone. On how fantastic it is to connect with other people - including people like me - gay people, some of whom have felt oppressed and afraid to be themselves - but as ecstatic as I am to have made their acquaintance, there is so much more to my online experience.

I've met people of all stripes. Straight boys, gay boys, straight girls, gay girls, and prolly a lot of 'tweeners, although I don't pry, so I can't say. But the people I have met have enriched my life. You have each expanded my experience - every one of you. You have helped me understand that there are all kinds of experiences, and none of us should judge them. As the saying goes "walk a mile in my shoes", or something to that effect.

Years ago, when I broke my addiction to the painkillers that saw me through the final 10 years of my last heterosexual marriage, I went to 12-step meetings. Honestly, they drove me nuts, because they're so god-centered, and I'm not. But the sponsor I had there tried to help me understand that we can't judge other people on our experiences. We have to understand theirexperiences. We have to seek to understand, rather than be understood.

Yes, as a gay woman, and parent of a gay child, I want equality for my kind. I demand it. But I also understand the people having trouble accepting it. I don't agree with them, and I think the issue will have to be settled on a Federal level. But I do understand their confusion and anger. I understand WHY they do the stupid things they do. And I feel bad for them. If the tables were reversed, I don't think they would deal nearly as well as we have.

No Christian has EVER been murdered in America because of their faith. Yet these people are deluded into believing they are persecuted, while gay and transgendered people are murdered because of who they are. I could demand that they grow up and face facts, but that wouldn't make it happen. That's why I insist we must have Federal action. We must teach these people their beliefs are wrong. They do not know better, as sad as that is.

But you know, what brought me to this point - rather than raging at the injustice of idiots - is this: people are complicated. The psychology of how we exist is complicated. How we are raised. The societal influences we face - including religion. There is nothing simple about humans. And above all, we are an irrational lot.

I think of it this way: when we are kids we create a lot of concepts, and memories, that really have no relation to reality. That's how kids are. To me, the people who hate on 'the gays' are just people who haven't grown up. Some of them never will, sadly. And that's why we need a Federal law. We need the country to tell EVERYONE that "yes, you do have to accept these people and allow them their rights." It's the only way some of them will learn, sadly.

We pay the same taxes. We're all adults. We deserve the same rights. Seems simple. But if left to the general population, i.e. voters, it's not so simple. We deal with psychology, both in real life and on the net - and especially in the voting booth. But the net has taught me to have far more tolerance than I had in real life. It's given me a greater understanding of people, and where and how to seek my equal rights.

But above all, it's taught me we all have things in common - even when we think we do not. It's taught me to have patience, to seek results where they might realistically be available, and above all, to forgive. I may not like some people, but I can sure as hell have empathy for them - even when they are severely fucked up. But I do not expect them to grant my freedom. I expect my Government to do that. And if it doesn't, well, when the youngest moves out, I'm just going to quit filing taxes and sue the fucking government for failing to represent me.

My kids will visit me :)

One year later...

2009-11-04T11:10:00.002-06:00

Same bat time, same bat channel.

It was like a case of Deja Vu - except I was kind of expecting it this time. I'll admit, Prop 8 caught me totally off guard. Question 1 didn't. I know what happens when the rights of the few are handed over to the ballot box of the many.

I'll admit, I'm disappointed. I am not, however, shocked - as I was in November of 2008. When groups like NOM, and large religious groups (the Mormons in CA, the Catholics in Maine) are allowed to contribute to political campaigns, the result is always such.

What most people don't understand is *why* it works this way. To me, it's pretty simple. Bear in mind, I grew up in a Southern Baptist environment, and was shuttled into a conservative Lutheran church in adolescence. But enough of those experiences stuck with me to understand this: People fear God.

So after being subjected to the dishonest NOM ads, and the Catholic lectures about how homosexuality is an abomination, and passing marriage equality would mean homosexuality would be taught to your children in school, well, let's just say some of these voters had overwhelming religious reasons to vote Yes on 1.

Think of it this way, as a fully indoctrinated conservative Christian of any stripe - who has been taught to fear and abhor homosexuality - what would you feel walking up to the voting booth? Well, if I still bought into that garbage, I'd feel like God was watching me, and judging me. I'd be worried about going to hell if I voted "wrong."

That's what these people are taught - and what NOM and the Catholic church reinforced in their rallies, speeches, and ads in Maine. They guilt-ed these people into voting Yes on 1. Much as they did in California on Prop 8. I don't hold the people responsible - but I do hold a political process that allows these people to vote on the rights of people who may or may not share their religious faith responsible.

Civil Rights are not something to be "voted" on. If it were, do you honestly think black and white couples would be able to marry today? People complain about how there's no comparison between the Black community's struggle for Equal Rights and GLBT rights - but I say those people are wrong.

What it comes down to is this - we are different, GLBT's. We are not hetero-normative families, and we have ALWAYS been denied equal rights in this country. We even have a better argument than the African-American slaves did - we PAY TAXES! We pay for rights we are not allowed. We pay for heterosexual benefits - yet we are denied those same benefits.

We might not be slaves in the technical sense of the word, but, by (your) god, we are slaves. We contribute monies to your - "your" being all the heterosexual families in this country - retirement and benefit systems. Yet, our families do not benefit from those dollars. If that isn't a form of slavery - or extortion - I don't know what is!

If heterosexuals were expected to pour tax dollars into a tax system they did not benefit from, how loud do you think they would protest? A whole lot louder than we have, for certain. A gay man or woman cannot even sponsor a spouse from a foreign country in America. Yet, our tax dollars assure that a heterosexual man or woman can. Many gay couples cannot obtain insurance for their partner or children - yet heterosexuals can. The families of our partners can drive up upon their death and take everything - they can't do that to legally married couples, now can they?

The fact is, there are gay families in America. There have been for years. Yet, those families are denied rights that they PAY for. There is no justice in that. But the religious organizations that are allowed to launch campaigns in an effort to vote away our rights never discuss these issues. They know they would lose if they did. Instead, they pull the religion card, and dismiss our rights legally by asserting that we would somehow corrupt their children and destroy their families.

Sorry, Maggie, but my mom was straight. And your argument is laughable.

It's time for reform. It's time to stop allowing churches and religious organizations like NOM to participate in the voting process. It's time to take Religion firmly out of Civil Rights - and politics in general. It's time to change the laws that allow these fear-mongerers to influence the political process.

It's time for change, folks. Real change.

It feels like rape....

2009-10-28T18:59:00.002-05:00

I didn't understand until a moment ago. I've been running my day through my head over and over. First, the former friend who felt my advice was out-of-bounds, which would have been fine had she allowed me to respond rather than blocking me on facebook. I was even willing to apologize for some points, if not all.

Then, the trip to the doctor. Which was surreal, at best. First, I had to take Annie along - she had a tummy ache this morning. So as I'm sitting talking to the doc with Annie, he asks her if she knows why we have earwax. Huh? It's not really like Annie cares. But he explains: we produce ear wax to protect the inner ear. He then goes on to "proclaim" that "how could that be explained by evolution? Like that just happened?!"

Well, yeah doc, it just happened. Sorta like you just "happened" to make it through Medical School.

Sweet baby jeebus. I have know for 5 years that my doctor was a conservative - it took me a few visits to figure it out because I was really high on painkillers at the time - but I came to the conclusion early on that he was conservative, but harmless.

That was 5 years ago. Over the years, I've dealt with he and his wife's gung ho military commitment, his Christianity, and his narrow views. You should meet his kids away from the office - they bear no resemblance to their parents.

But today, when his wife decided to "pray" for me, I felt violated. It was like a spiritual rape. Because I knew these people, and I had trusted them, tolerated them, and felt like they had tolerated me. Until today.

And I KNOW rape, folks. I've been there, more than once. And there is nothing worse than feeling raped by someone you know and trust. And there is nothing harder than admitting that you feel that someone you know and trust has violated you.

And I have to admit, today, as this woman I previously liked decided to "pray" over me, it felt just like rape. And just as the times I was previously raped, I was afraid to say "No." I was afraid to speak my mind, to defend myself.

I may not ever go back to my doctor, actually. I'm not sure how I'll swing that, but I really don't think I can go back there. I felt spiritually raped today. I felt like someone else had taken my will, discarded my wishes, and imposed their own.

And that my friend, is rape.

Okay straight boys, what's up with this?

2009-10-18T22:49:00.003-05:00

Now, I'm as about as understanding of men as any lesbian you'll meet. No, really, I am. After spending 25 years trying to convince myself I found males physically attractive, you can clearly see that I *obviously* got along with men to some degree.

I am NOT a man-hating lesbian, despite the last asshole who posted that repeatedly on my facebook and examiner.com column. I actually like most guys - as long as they can refrain from seeing me as fresh meat.

I mean, let's be honest here. Even most straight girls don't like being viewed as something to be conquered, unless that's a particular fetish of theirs. Most women like - and in fact would prefer - some degree of respect. It's ironic, really. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I was driving a cab, one of the first, and biggest, assholes I ran across was this dreadlocked asshole I picked up at the cab stand on 6th and San Jacinto. His first words were: "I bet I'm not as big an asshole as most of the guys who get in your cab!"

He then proceeded to prove himself horribly wrong.

His argument was one of tunnel vision: I couldn't possibly be gay, because evolution argued against it. Never mind the fact I had already managed to have 4 kids in heterosexual relationships. I just couldn't be gay. According to him.

We went through this for a good twenty minutes before I pulled over on Highway 71 and told him to get the fuck outta my cab. Had I had more experience, I would have just called the cops on him, but I was still a newbie. But he wasn't the last obnoxious straight guy who questioned my sexuality.

Now, bear in mind, I'm pretty visibly gay. I can only imagine what gay girls who look like any other girl go through once people learn they're gay. But what these people just don't grasp is how horribly insulting that is. When you are gay, growing up in a heteronormative society, you are constantly exposed to the idea that heterosexuality is the "norm."

Imagine, for a moment, that you are gay. You see couples, male and female, all the time. Families consist of men and women. Marriages consist of men and women. You are TAUGHT that the norm is male/female. But you're a boy who likes boys, or a girls who likes girls. Where the hell do you fit in?

Well, in heteronormative society, you don't. There is no place for you in the "traditional" family. You're different. If society were predominately Gay - then the hetero people would have the same issue. But since society is primarily heterosexual, YOU are different. And it takes GREAT courage to come out of the closet under those terms. Bless the girls and boys who understood that early on, but truth-be-told, a lot of us don't 'get it' until later in life.

It's not easy being gay (yes, I heard the Kermit joke in that too). It's not something we want to hear arguments about "why you should be hetero" or jokes about "that's so gay". You get sick of that shit. You didn't choose to be gay. You are. You know that. You cannot change that.

But when people - both those you've just met, as well as those you know well (including relatives) make comments or jokes like "are you sure?" or "how is that possible?", well, it's just freaking insulting. For me, it's frankly enough to piss me off royally.

I had a friend - I say had, because I deleted him on Facebook this weekend, despite having known him on a mailing list for years - who kept making jokes about lesbians that, frankly, offended the hell out of me. The first "joke" came a couple of months ago. He commented on a post I made about gay marriage. His reply was a long, involved scenario of why lesbians should be able to marry so he could hide in a tree and peep at them as they had sex. It was ludicrous, and I deleted it.

This weekend, I posted a facebook status about my 21-y.o. going downtown for the first time, with her sister and BIL to celebrate her birthday earlier this month. I joked in my first reply to him that I told her sister to "make sure she kisses a girl." He replied with this:

"C'mon, Michelle. Fairness dictates that hetero boys should at least have the opportunity to make asses of themselves before the young lady decides to opt out of the program. Our survival as a species is kinda dependent on adherence to these small, but vital, tacit understandings."

So. That ain't funny. No, not at all. So I deleted it and told him I understood he was just trying to be humorous, but it wasn't. He responded by stating I wasn't the spokesperson for all gay people, and that my daughter could handle the humor better than I could and - get this - that he's on MY SIDE.

Oh, fuck no. Anybody who spouts that shit after what each of us goes through accepting that we are different from "straight" people - oh, hell no. You aren't on my side. You aren't on my kid's side. You are a misogynistic asshole - and deserve to be called out on it.

Word up, guys. If a woman is a lesbian, it is not a personal rejection of your "manhood." It means she prefers girls. It means that is how she's wired. And hostility 'hidden' in humor is not hidden at all. It's fairly obvious.

There's enough misogyny in modern America without this shit. But you know what? This is exactly WHY so many women wind up marrying men when they really want to be with women. It's even more rampant among women than men. Women are trained from birth to heed societal expectations. And men like this just throw it in their faces when they come out of the closet. Trust me, there are a LOT more lesbians out there than you suspect. But most of them are afraid of upsetting the patriarchal cart.

Instead, they post on craigslist when the boys are out of town. Or their husbands find them in bed with a woman when they return home unexpectedly (and yes, I know at least two guys this happened to). Or they finally meet a girl and realize what they've denied for years. Men - grow up. Not every woman wants you. And that's okay. In fact, you're better off accepting it. Why would you want a woman who found sleeping with you repulsive, anyway?

There are plenty of straight or Bi girls out there who will dig you. So grow up, and let the queer girls have their happiness. Trust me, if you could ask my dead husband, he'd agree - it just ain't worth it. Any effort you make to convince someone to be something they aren't is effort wasted. But even worse, it's unfair.

Nobody tried to make you gay, did they? Don't try to make us straight. Live and let live, accept yourself, and accept others. We will all find far more peace that way.

But act like an ass, and boy, expect to be called out on it. Because that shit is misogyny, and it will not be tolerated.

Where to begin?

2009-10-11T20:34:00.005-05:00

This blog began as a result of Prop 8. It was a result of my absolute despair that a state could give rights to GLBT people that we should already have as tax-paying citizens, then yank them away as a result of a "majority" vote. When, historically, has it been okay to vote on other citizen's rights? Never, that's when.

So today, as I watched my brothers and sisters - and their supporters - march on the Capitol, as I listened to the speeches, I was reminded once again. Why SHOULD we accept second-class citizenship? Who, in their right mind, would accept being held to the same standards, and the same tax obligations as we are, yet accept a form of citizenship that degrades, humiliates, and debases us?

Why should anyone live that way?

I'm at a loss folks. When I was playing a straight-white-middle-class-housewife, there's no way in hell I would have accepted my current status. And I'll be damned if I'll accept it now. It is not enough. It is not GOOD enough.

Now, as for why I'm angry right-this-minute, go to gay.americablog.com

The particular quote in question is as follows:

NBC just did a piece about today's gay rights march in Washington. For the political context of the gay community's ire, NBC went to Chief Washington Correspondent John Harwood. Harwood was asked if the White House was worried about "the left as a whole," and concerns they have that the White House isn't doing things that "the left" expected them to do. Harwood said the following:

"Barack Obama is doing well with 90% or more of Democrats so the White House views this opposition as really part of the Internet left fringe."

Harwood then went on to say:

"For a sign of how seriously the White House does or doesn't take this opposition, one adviser told me those bloggers need to take off the pajamas, get dressed, and realize that governing a closely divided country is complicated and difficult."

Funny, I didn't see any marchers in PJ's, did you? I, personally, am in my P.J.'s. I work at home - so I have the right and privilege of working in them when I feel like it. I didn't hire on to run a country. Obama did.

And so far, what I have seen out of President Obama is a lot of talk. Frankly, I'm appalled that he won the Nobel - and I think he is, too. Even he seemed to recognize it was unwarranted. The man has done none of the things he promised to do on the campaign trail. Not one thing.

Now, I'm not saying it's not hard running a large Democracy. I'm sure as hell not saying the man's life is easier than mine. I am saying that you don't shoot your mouth off about things you refuse to deliver. Maybe if he hadn't lied to at least 10% of America about his intentions, we wouldn't be so pissed off. And if his administration finds it that easy to belittle his constituency, well, maybe we should be a little more careful of who we trust.

I personally, do not trust Obama to deliver my Civil Rights. He may or may not accomplish other things in office. That remains to be seen. But I do not trust the man to deliver on his campaign promises. Twice, the DOJ - his people - have defended DOMA. Twice, he as asked SCOTUS to drop DADT cases.

He is not my president, yet. He may be, depending on his actions in the near future. But until then, me and my P.J.'s will keep blogging, thankyouverymuch.

I finally watched "Milk"...

2009-10-08T16:16:00.003-05:00

Oh, sweet baby jeebus...

I'd seen, and learned most of what I needed to learn, from the documentary. But today, my college sophomore wanted to watch the movie. She was home sick, and I have a bum shoulder this week, so I figured, what the hell, right?

I heard a lot of this gay-bashing growing up. Anita Bryant. Gay prejudice. You're going to hell-because-this-is-Texas-and-we-said-so. I mean, I knew I liked other girls in 71' - but I didn't really worry about it until I hit adolescence in 75'. Which, incidentally, was about the time Ole' Anita hit her peak.

Now, by 1977, Anita was on her way out. The gay establishment (and yes folks, some of our people were established by then) had begun the boycott that led to Anita's bad press and subsequent downfall. Her hatred was no longer profitable, so her sponsors dropped her, to minimize collateral damage.

But like that kid in the wheelchair who called Milk from Minnesota - we Texans were not privy to this new political awareness. Our state continued to live in the total dark ages, as San Francisco slowly oozed it's way out of the dank, musty cellar of homophobia.

Now, more than 30 years later, it's clear that San Francisco isn't completely out of the cellar. Prop 8, coming hours after the election of President Obama, made clear that we have miles to go before we sleep.

BUT! And this is a big 'but' - we have made inroads. Progress, even. While same-sex marriage is only officially recognized in a few states - Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine and most recently New Hampshire - providing none of the anti-gay movements succeed in negating this progress - we have still made an impact.

But it's not enough. It's not enough for that teenage kid that everyone else KNOWS is gay - but is terrified to tell his or her parents. It's not enough for that kid debating substance abuse or suicide to deal with their pain. In short, it's just not enough, people.

No child should have to choose between living honestly with themselves, and pleasing their friends or family. What kind of choice is that?! One of my neighbors, whose child told my child that "by the time you believe in Jesus it will be too late" asked me how I would feel if "one of my kids came home a christian?" And I told her, after asking her how she'd feel if one of her kids came home and announced he's queer - I'd love them anyway! Just as I would expect her to do.

People focus too much on differences - especially when religion is involved. But if you take "god" out of the equation - we are all still people. And we all still need other people. We need our community - differences and all. As Harvey Milk tried desperately to teach them - we need each other.

But we cannot help each other if we focus on hate and differences. We have to focus on similarities, and love. And isn't that what anyone's 'god' is about? The concept of God is about love, that's what I have deduced. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe GOD is this hateful, spiteful, revengeful thing the popular right wing Christians keep talking about. I'd like to think they're wrong about that.

But whether it is or not, as an atheist, I don't have any investment in it. It is not my god. And the idea that my Civil Rights can be determined on the basis of their god - which is not mine - is highly offensive. I pay the same taxes. Should I not have the same rights? Have these people ever *heard* of the concept of separation of church and state?

The irony, to me, is that the same groups that carry signs depicting Obama as Hitler are the same people who would tell me that I am inferior due to my orientation. They, like Hitler - would judge me inferior because I differ from them. They have yet to demonstrate how they are better than me - in fact they seem to strive towards proving their inferiority - yet somehow, on a political playing field, I am determined "less than." All because they are "Christians."

I do not think these people are truly 'Christians'. Of course, it doesn't really matter what I think. The people I would consider "Christians" are not speaking out against the so-called 'Christians' who are doing their damnedest to make queer people - children and adults alike - feel inferior. They aren't making an effort to minimize suicides amongst queer teenagers. They aren't reaching out enough to their communities.

So why SHOULD I distinguish between the far conservative right nut-jobs who don't care if we kill ourselves, and the Christians who claim to care, yet do nothing?

If you care, stand up on this day - National Coming Out Day. Stand behind your mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Leave the baby jeezus at home. Consider your friend or loved one as a human being - like you. Judge them not on their attractions, but on their humanity. Think about what you want for your life - then apply it to theirs.

It's truly the "christian" thing to do. But don't be offended if you find people of other faiths - or none at all - standing up for queer folks. Because ultimately - in case you missed the sarcasm - this isn't even about religion. It's about people, and love, and doing the right thing. All of which supersede religion. Orientation, like marriage, isn't about religion at all. It's about people.

We're here, and we're queer. So, once again, get used to it. We aren't going anywhere. And we sure as hell aren't going back in the goddamn closet.

Keep your religious beliefs off my kid!!!

2009-09-16T17:50:00.005-05:00

Christians, that is. They seem to believe they have a monopoly on the United States.
Newsflash: They don't.

While I will be the first to admit that I do not encourage Christianity at home, given that I am not a Christian, I do not believe this qualifies as a failing. My neighbor, however, seems to think so.

Is it any wonder that I keep to myself?

Okay, here's what happened. My youngest, at the tender age of 9, made friends with a neighbor boy aged 7. They live a few doors down, and we've been here for 5 years, so she really didn't get acquainted with him until his parents let him out of the house for Public School. I'm certain his mother regrets that at this point. In fact, I'm pretty sure they had a McCain sign in the yard last fall.

They played together a bit over the last few days. All seemed well. Then this afternoon Annie marches into my room and spews out a trail of words "Jeezus, and if I didn't believe in him, and too late...."

Essentially, the 7 year-old began preaching at her. Annie didn't appreciate it, in the least. Then he pulls the cracker: "by the time you believe in Jesus it will be too late!"

Insert Mama Lion.

You do NOT tell my kid what to believe, nor belittle them because they do not hold your beliefs. Period. I don't care if you are 7 or 70, Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Zoroastrian. I do, however, hold parents responsible, not 7-year-olds. So I went to the source.

The source is a dimwit blonde who hasn't lost the baby-fat - from the last few babies. Sorry, that's insensitive, but so is she, and besides, I'm pissed. I don't feel inclined to be kind right now.

I'll give her credit, she made him apologize after the extensive philosophical discussion I attempted to engage her in - you know, "your beliefs aren't the only beliefs", "people should respect other beliefs", etc.. - she still didn't really get it. She kept focusing on how it wasn't the boy's fault. I kept insisting that of course it wasn't his fault - he's parroting what you teach him.

I also pointed out that MY KID doesn't make fun of HIS beliefs. That went right over her bleached blonde head. Well, except when she pointed out that Annie also repeats what she learns at home - like being an atheist. Still, she didn't get the point that as an atheist, Annie doesn't try to convert people, whereas her kid does.

The term "proselytizing" came up repeatedly (from my side), but she still didn't understand. She just kept saying "but he meant well." To who? My kid? I'd hardly call his statements to my kid "meaning well." As I pointed out AGAIN, he was repeating what he learned at home. And AGAIN, I pointed out that MY KID doesn't attempt to convert kids to atheism. Annie understands that people are different, and that's okay.

I'll admit, "Mrs. Christian" was a little at a loss for words when she asked me how I would react if one of my kids decided they were Christian (actually "decided to accept Jesus" and I said "I'd love them anyway" then countered with "what if one of your kids were gay?" She didn't have a comeback for that one.

Maybe I'm being harsh, but I watched this woman's face as we talked. I am an introvert. I pay attention to people's body language, because I don't communicate as well verbally. I observe motives. And even though this woman marched her son over here to apologize, I do not believe for one second that she thinks his actions were inappropriate.

Fortunately, I don't really have to worry about it. Annie announced over a year ago "I wish nobody had ever invented this 'God Concept'." Annie is not in any danger of succumbing to what I would consider brainwashing. And yes, as her parent, I instilled some of those values. However, I also encourage her to think for herself and come to her own conclusions - and more importantly, I strongly discourage making fun of others for their beliefs, or anything else.

Live and let live. That is the family motto.

But this lady has a different sort of family. Seven-year-olds don't preach damnation without a little prompting. That is not how they are wired. And that, quite frankly, is what pisses me off about the far right - and this woman - they don't appreciate how well they 'train' their kids. Their children are trained in fundamentalism at an early age. The question is, what about their gay kids?

Because they DO have gay kids. Whether they admit or not, whether they make the prospect of 'coming out' too hellish to consider or not - they DO have gay kids. It's unavoidable.

What KIND of mother would indoctrinate their child in such a way that the sheer idea of being gay might make them suicidal? Who DOES this shit? Who raises a child to believe that there is ONE way - the RIGHT way? I mean, my family did a pretty bang up job in that arena, but even they weren't that bad. And considering how badly they destabilized my psyche, can you imagine the impact on a child reared in a fundamentalist Christian home? It's fucking child abuse.

So while my initial anger was directed at the diss towards my own child, my vehement anger is more personal. I *know* what it feels like to be made to feel that who you are isn't "right" or good enough. And the idea that there are people like this raising GAY children appalls me.

Sad. It's all so fucking sad. And infuriating. How dare they? I don't care who you worship in your spare time. I don't care who your god is. But keep it to your fucking self. And don't drag anything into your home that makes your kids (or their guests) feel unaccepted. What kind of parent does that?

My guess is my neighbor.

Excuse me, I'm affecting your marriage how?

2009-08-19T00:05:00.003-05:00

I'm not quite sure where to begin. Between Maggie "NOM" Gallagher and M.D. Harmon from Maine, I'm not sure who I'm most offended by.

First, let me say I've played a heterosexual - not on TV, but in real life. I gave all I had to the part, and wound up with some serious substance abuse problems for my efforts. But hey, what's a Southern Baptist cum (forced) Lutheran girl to do? (you'll have to wait for the memoir there, folks).

For the record, I'm an Atheist now. I believe in the power of love and compassion. But I don't truly believe in gods or goddesses - although if I need the word, I'll pull goddess out before god, because I'm also a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. Old School style. No, really - I mean old school.

It helps that I have four daughters. It's a major impetus to feminism, having multiple girl-children. As a mother, you get protective. You develop not only a defense, but an offense. You foresee the difficulties your offspring will face, and you prepare them for battle. Which is why I will spend two nights a week for two weeks driving my college sophomore home from her self-defense classes this fall. For the record, it was her idea. See how well I raised them?

Seriously, though, I was brought up to believe - by my mom - that I could do whatever I wanted to do. Trouble is, I didn't take that advice to heart until I was 41. That was 17 months after I left my last husband - and 10 months after he died. By that time, most of my extended family was dead, or not speaking to me, what little was left. Until that point, I had been trying to fit in. Trying to salvage the last bit of respectability and acceptance I thought was available to me. I had lived in fear - both of rejection, and ostracization.

Because, let's face it, on some level - unconscious as it was - I knew I was gay. The trouble was, it was unconscious. I had crushes, well after that first girlfriend and two subsequent husbands - but I never acted on them. I couldn't. I had children. And my last husband threatened to take them if I left him, which I tried to do. By having an affair with the guy at my real estate office. Hey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

But despite my own insanity and denial - and it was deep and unsound, my denial - I raised good kids.I taught them not to make fun of others. I taught them that people are different, and that making fun of those differences was unacceptable. That's one thing they learned firmly - it is OKAY for people to be different. Even my own mental illness couldn't keep me from teaching them that.

And they learned. They carried it with them through elementary and middle school and high school and beyond. It was a good thing. And I'm sure it helped immensely when one of my children came out as Bi, and another as Gay, as difficult as that was for both of them - and make no mistake, it was hard for them, even with me out-of-the-closet. It's never easy to admit you are 'different'.

So to read the bullshit from the right wing - people like Gallagher and Harmon - my mother instincts kick in. I'm enraged. I'm outraged. How dare these narrow-minded a-holes dictate what a relationship between two loving individuals should be? How dare they take MY and my KID'S taxes, apply them to heterosexual couples, and leave MY kids out in the cold? What right have they?

None. That's my answer. They have NO right to dictate who I or my children love. They have NO right to appropriate OUR tax dollars to support THEIR heterosexual families. If I, or my children, are deprived of the federal rights granted to every heterosexual family, then dammit, queers shouldn't have to file taxes, State or Federal!!!

Seriously, why should we support them, if they work to deny us? If we're second-class citizens, why should we pay First Class Citizen tax rates? I spend thousands of dollars annually on property taxes. I do this because I still have a child in school. But let's think about this. Once that child graduates, as two others have in this School District - why should I pay taxes?

I'm not allowed the same benefits as a heterosexual is. If I partner with someone in the State of Texas, I am forbidden by Constitutional Amendment to marry them! So why should I pay for other people's kid's education???

It's not like I'm a single heterosexual with the ABILITY to mate and marry. I'm a queer. I've paid for MY kid's educations. Why should I pay for YOURS? I mean, if we're going to be fair about this - why the hell should the heterosexual community expect a dime from me? We pay taxes based on representation, yes? I'm NOT represented. I owe you nothing.

It could be argued: well, single people have to pay taxes, too. Yes, but what if a gay couple isn't single? Do they get the same tax benefits when they file their taxes for PAYING those property taxes? No. They don't. They are treated as two single individuals. Not spouses. Singles. Their relationship is not only unrecognized, their contribution as a couple is unrecognized. Where is the fairness in that?

Heterosexuals who do not marry have the OPTION of marriage. We don't have that in Texas - or most states. We are treated as Second-Class Citizens, despite the fact we pay taxes on wages, taxes on property. We are given fewer rights, for the same input to our government. We ARE Second-Class Citizens. We give, yet get less in return than our heterosexual counterparts. And why?

Because we are different. Because there is a faction in current society that sees us as a threat - they have yet to explain exactly what that threat is, but by God, we are a threat. To their marriages, their children, their churches. We are the Evil that threatens their standard of living - even though our tax dollars have been financing it for years - gay couples sure as hell don't benefit from SSA survivor benefits - as I and my child do from my late husband, and her sisters until they graduated HS. Even though they have Gay family members they deny - just as my Christian brother denies me - even though we teach their children, participate in their non-profits - we are, in fact, everywhere. In all professions, all fields. All families.

I am the only openly gay mother who has picked up my youngest from her elementary for the last 4 years. I have never encountered hostility from her teachers, her classmates, or their parents. Some of them might have found me a bit odd, with the tattoos and lip rings and short hair - but they were kind and courteous. My child has never been abused by her teachers and classmates. She has not been ridiculed. In fact, she's so confident, she presented her biography of Thomas Alva Edison in drag - and came home happy about it. In Texas, no less.

My point is that the few, the narrow minded, the bigoted, do not represent the majority. They might claim to, through signatures, and insistence on ballots. But ballots are meaningless. Beyond the simple fact that our Constitution makes clear that the rights of a minority should not be decided by a majority vote, the only people who SIGN these forms are people solicited by people with an agenda. People who inspire fear of the "other". People who try to convince others that their own rights will be swept from them by other people demanding their OWN rights.

And that is a complete and utter lie.

We only want the rights we would have if all of us "played straight", as I did. The rights everyone should have to establish families, contribute to their communities, and receive the same validation we would have if we pretended we were heterosexual. We want to live honestly. In public. We want acceptance, because we cannot change what we are, many of us have tried, and suffered for it.

We are not hurting you. We pose no threat to your marriage, your children, or your faith. But bear in mind - some of your children WILL be gay. My parents were straight. Straight parents does not mean straight kids. None of us choose to be gay. Who in their right mind would? But if you care, if you give a good goddamn, then for the sake of your own family members, end this war you've created. I cannot imagine putting my child through it. And I cannot see how you could put yours through it. Not in good conscience.

What is "gender", anyway?

2009-07-03T13:59:00.002-05:00

Well, for starters, it's a question too few people ask. And something a lot of people really don't understand. Which is why you'll find a couple of definitions at the bottom of this post for words you may be unfamiliar with.

When most *cisgendered (see definition below) people speak of "gender", what they're actually talking about is "sex" - the genitalia you're born with. Or the DNA, in the case of intersex people. For most of the population "sex" and "gender" are synonymous. But for people with gender issues, they aren't.

Now, before we get into gender issues, let's talk about why sex and gender are different things. Let's say a child is born with ambiguous genitalia, and, for example, in the case of a male child (in terms of DNA), this lack of appropriate equipment cannot be effectively remedied by current surgical techniques. If this child is raised as a girl, as David Reimer's parents discovered, it will affect them. David wasn't even born intersexed - his deformity was a result of a botched circumcision. David committed suicide at 38, after being raised as a girl until 14, when he was told the truth. He also rebelled against the gender he had been raised as. This had to be an ordeal for him, considering the hormones and surgery he had to face to "become a girl." Before his untimely death, he transitioned to male and married a woman. But his situation still obviously impacted him.

But gender - that internal feeling of who we are on the gender spectrum - and yes, it is a spectrum, which I'll get to later, is overpowering. And I believe it goes beyond DNA or genitalia at birth. It goes beyond the "sex" we are born as, as many cases of intersex infants has shown - I'd do your research for you, but you have access to google, folks. But, and here's the part where most cisgendered people get lost, it isn't just about the xx or xy chromosomes. It's about the brain.

Many people attempt to blame "gender confusion", as they call it, on the child's parents. But there have been studies conducted, for example, that show that excess testosterone on female fetuses in utero produces girls who think and act more like boys. There have even been documented cases of this producing a "male" finger pattern in these girls. There have also been studies that suggest certain areas of the brain differ in size in male-to-female transgendered people, and it has been suggested that the sex hormones - like testosterone and estrogen - play a part in the development of our brains in utero.

I'll grant you, we have no hard-and-fast scientific explanations yet. No more than we have a genetic code for why some folks are gay or bi or straight. But we do know this - some people do NOT feel like their gender matches the sex they were born as. Some people do not even feel that one sex or the other fits how they feel. This is sometimes referred to as transgendered, but often, it's simply a case of someone existing at a different place on what some people refer to as the "gender continuum." Some people use the term "**genderqueer."

In other words, the brain may not match the body - or the DNA that determines the sex of that body, to various degrees. Obviously, a lot more scientific research needs to be done to understand why that is, but transgendered people have existed for centuries - possibly since people have existed. We have no way to determine how long this feeling of being something you were not born as goes. What we do know is that there are many, many people in the modern era who did not feel that their "sex" matched their "gender", to some degree.

There were also many people most would now call transgendered who existed in the past. The Native Americans called them "two-spirits." They were usually revered, and often became spiritual leaders in those cultures. They weren't condemned and despised as they so frequently are today in America, and were found in most Native American tribes. They were considered the embodiment of both the feminine and masculine spirits in one body.

But today, it seems a lot of people judge transgendered people harshly - or anyone who breaks gender expectations. They are often victims of violence, and that even crosses over to those in the gay population who exhibit gender traits that are not traditional male or female traits. We get tagged with terms like "flaming queens" or "butch dykes." It has become a morass of hatred against those who express their gender differently than their genitals indicate they should in the opinion of *cisgendered persons who will only accept a dichotomy of sexual existence. This isn't solely a problem in the heterosexual community, either. Even other gay and bisexual people have these prejudices.

And honestly, I've met several transgendered people who started out believing they were just 'gay', but discovered on their journey that the issue they had to deal with first was where they were on the gender continuum. Not all transgendered people are gay after transition. Not all transgendered people are straight after transition. People confuse the issues of orientation and gender, in addition to confusing sexual presentation with gender.

Take, for example, those of us who are androgynous. We identify with both ends of the spectrum to some degree. Does that mean I want to be a man? No, it doesn't. If I wanted to be a man, I wouldn't have given birth to four beautiful children. But you also won't catch me dead in a dress, nail polish, or make-up. I like my hair short. My natural mannerisms lean more to male than female mannerisms. I have been "sir'd" repeatedly, mainly by people who weren't paying much attention. Sort of like the clerk who mistook my youngest daughter for a boy recently, because her hair is short, and she likes to wear more "boyish" clothes sometimes - or the one that mistook my oldest grandson for a girl simply because he has longer hair than most boys (he's also very pretty for a boy).

Now, I didn't always accept my own androgyny. In fact, I tried very hard for much of my life to be the "girl" I thought my mother and others wanted me to be. I wore dresses on occasion. I tried to figure out make-up, too. Frankly, I felt like I looked like a guy in drag. But I had an experience that forced me to face my fears of being who I was. It was the sort of experience most people don't have the opportunity to experience.

After many years of attempting to be bisexual, and developing a major painkiller habit in order to tolerate what I was doing to myself, I went cold turkey. Now, I'll grant you, my substance abuse was a means of enforcing my denial of who I was. My fear of not meeting other people's expectations of who and what I should be fueled a desperate need to escape my own discomfort. However, the withdrawal I experienced, given the extent of my addiction, was traumatic, overwhelming, and extremely eye opening.

To begin with, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. The image I had built in my head of "who I was" bore absolutely no resemblance to the image in the mirror - or my actual feelings about who I was. My internal "image" was far more feminine than what I saw, or how I felt. This was part of my denial that led to my addiction. The addiction helped me suppress my preferences, both in terms of gender and sexual orientation.

It was another month before my brain was ready to tell me the Big News. I woke up one morning from a dream about my first girlfriend, who had broken up with me at 16. I had totally suppressed her from my memory during my addiction. I had forgotten, in fact, that I ever identified as bisexual. But that morning the truth hit me like a large boulder - I woke up and realized I'm gay.

Now, I was 41 when all this happened. In retrospect, I can see how it happened, and how much of it was simply due to the expectations I had internalized that I didn't feel I could live up to. But having all of it hit me at once forced me to face my fears. The first thing I did when I was well enough to go anywhere, after about 7 days of absolute physical and mental torture from that withdrawal, was go shopping.

Nothing in my closet felt right. Not even my shoes. So I bought jeans and t-shirts and shoes that felt more like "me." It took a few months to work up the nerve to cut my hair short. It had been in a virtual boy-cut until I started first grade, which I think is when I began to develop these expectations of myself based on other people's reactions. But I had so much shame that I was afraid of doing things I wanted to do. I was afraid of expressing my preferences.

Four years later, I still struggle with that shame sometimes. There are a lot of clothes in the men or boy's department (and being 5' 4" and 116 lb., I can generally shop in the boy's department) that I *like*. The cut of boy's shirts is more comfortable to me than the fitted cut of "girl clothes." I wound up buying a lot of my clothes at The Gap and Express, as a result. At least what they sell is more androgynous - at least enough to cause me little discomfort.

Still, it took me a good 3 years to really get to a point where I was okay being who I really am. I had to work at it. I had to bend gender rules and face my fears. And to some degree, I still have to. But by examining my gender, my preferences, my likes and dislikes, I've begun to get in touch with both my masculinity and my femininity. In the beginning, it was all so confusing. The image I had held in my head for so many years wasn't me - so who was I really? I've had to answer that question for myself, and find my comfort level. And given how late in the game I got started, it is still an ongoing process.

Because of my experience, I understand the confusion, judgment, and fear that cisgendered people have of people who don't conform to a gender dichotomy. The first time I actually saw a transgendered person who was in the process of transition, it terrified me. Because it touched a deep fear in me. Something I still can't really identify. Something that comes from that deep childhood fear of rejection and abandonment.

But the more I learned about gender, and how it exists on a continuum, the less judgmental I was. It became easier to address someone going from male-to-female as "she." It was natural when one of my friends began transitioning from female-to-male to refer to him as "he." I began to understand that we are not always what we feel we are, and some people feel a desperate need to change that, in order to be comfortable in their own skin.

When I was 13 years old, shortly after my father's suicide, I changed my name. For years I've wondered why I really did that, but I understand now why I did. I was named after my father. I identified with him. I even have mannerisms and speech patterns that duplicate his - which is why people always wonder why a life-long Texan has Wisconsin speech patterns. But all I had left after he died was my mother - and my mother was all girl. And I needed my mother. So tried to become what I thought she wanted me to be, whether it was really what she wanted or not.

Society, and sometimes families, impose a lot of expectations on children. Many of those expectations - like don't lie, don't cheat, take responsibility for your actions, etc. - are all good, and reasonable, expectations. But when we place an expectation on someone regarding their orientation or gender, we are essentially telling them that they cannot be who they are, or we will not love them. We will reject them, ostracize them, and abandon them. Until you feel that conflict in your own soul, you cannot imagine the damage that can do.

There is a gender continuum. I consider my self to be androgynous, and to some extent "genderqueer." I don't feel like I always belong to one gender. Sometimes I feel more boyish, sometimes I feel like a girl. But I know in my heart, I embody both. I know that my brain operates differently than either the male or female sex.

It took me 41 years to even start to figure that out. It took several years to accept it. It also took that acceptance for me to get over my fear of people like me. People with gender issues. I have nothing but admiration for the people who transition because of this. However, I think society at large has a long way to go in understanding that just because a person is not cisgendered, that doesn't make them "wrong." It just makes them different from people who are comfortable in their male or female role assigned at birth (or through early childhood intervention). And everyone has a right to be who they are, if you ask me. No one asks to feel uncomfortable in their own skin. But everyone ought to have the right to do so - without judgment.

So if my daughter wants her hair short, or my grandson wants his hair long, if my daughter wants to dress in drag for a school report, or my grandson wants to wear jewelry, I say more power to them. Gender roles should not be determined by people outside you. Society has no right or obligation to stick a round peg into a square hole. We are all individuals, and the sooner we learn to treat each other as such, the sooner tolerance will truly be a human trait.

Love, compassion, understanding. These are the spiritual principles that tolerance is made of. We need more of all four, and less hate and judgment.

*Cisgender is a "newer term" that means "someone who is comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth." see this Wiki.
**Genderqueer - People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both male and female, as being neither male nor female, or as falling completely outside the gender binary. Some wish to have certain features of the opposite sex and not all characteristics; others want it all. See this Wiki.

It's been a very 'gay' day...

2009-06-29T00:05:00.002-05:00

First, there was the TABC raid on a new gay bar in Fort Worth:
Rainbow Lounge

See also: Dymsum
An excellent blogger who also has links to the Dallas Voice story, as well as other links. Dave is my absolute favorite in Gay Bloggerdom :) He's thorough, and fair.

But what I really want to write about tonight is this: The Gay Family.

No, not "family", as in the sort of people I prefer to do business with (or make out with). "Family" in the sense of the recent CNN article "'Gayby boom': Children of gay couples speak out." See: Gayby Boom.

I am a gay mother of four. I did not realize I was gay until 2005. Originally, I thought I was Bisexual. Then, I drank and drugged myself to the point I wasn't even sure of that. It's a long, harrowing, and painful story. I'm working on the memoir.

But for now, let's start with my introduction to self-honesty, and springing out of the closet. I was 41. My late estranged husband had died 11 months prior. I had just broken my chemical addiction the month before, when I woke up one morning and thought "Holy Crap!!! No wonder that whole 'guy' thing wasn't working out for me!!! I'M GAY!!!!"

It was a rude awakening.

No, really. That is exactly how it happened.

However, being the almost intolerably honest soul that I am, I felt the need to spill the beans to my kids ASAP. It felt like I had been living a lie. I don't lie to my kids - not intentionally. First, I approached the closest thing I had to a friend - a gay man I had met in a 12-step program, and poured my guts out.

The next day, I contacted my oldest child on IM. I no longer have that hard drive, but essentially the IM conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, how are you?
Child: Good, how are you guys?
Me: We're good. But I have something to tell you...
Child:?
Me: I'm gay.

Child: Well, I figured it was something like that.

Yeah, it was no big shock to that one. The others were a little more surprised. The one child, who later turned out to be gay herself - something she couldn't admit for another 4 years - took it a little harder. Which is to be expected. She grew up with a somewhat homophobic father, and a mother in denial. She had some stuff to process.

All told, I have one gay child, one straight child, one bisexual child, and one child as-yet-to-be-determined, but almost certainly not heterosexual (not in any particular order to protect those who don't want their orientation broadcast to the internet). My genes have always run strong, I'm afraid. Even in eye color.

But if I had remained closeted, I'm not sure if my non-heterosexual children would have ever been honest with me. Texas is not an easy place if you aren't "straight." I can firmly attest to that on the basis of my own inability to come clean with my orientation.

So when I read articles like the one posted on CNN about the 'Gayby boom', I can't help but laugh. My children were RAISED by a Gay Mother. I just didn't accept that I was gay. Yet, most of them turned out to be less-than-heterosexual. But it wasn't due to their upbringing. They were brought up by a man and a woman. Just like the State of Texas insists they should be. Yet only one of them is actually "straight."

On the other hand, I have met a number of children of gay parents who really were "straight." These are generally only children. Born of a brief union between a gay woman and a straight man. For the record, I don't think either of the men I had children with were "straight." I know for a fact one wasn't, and given what I learned of the other later on, I don't really think he was either.

But it wasn't being brought up by "gay parents" that influenced their sexuality. It was simply who they are. Like me. I knew at the age of 8 that I found girls more attractive than boys. After 16, I chose to ignore that, because it was too painful to pursue (again, see the memoir). But it was always there.

I'm grateful my kids didn't have to live through the hell I went through. But I don't for a second believe that they were "made gay" by my "lifestyle". I know that's a lie. I haven't HAD a relationship with a female since I was 16. That one was so painful when it ended, boys seemed like a better alternative, no matter how loaded I had to be to sleep with them.

So this whole argument that being raised by a gay parent means "These children are more likely to experiment with same-sex relationships. They're more likely to be confused and hurt." is utter b.s. - I WAS a gay parent. I gave birth to, and raised these children, to think for themselves. To be kind to those who were different than them. To be fair.

And when their father died, they opened up to me. Especially after I got off the chemicals that made that relationship sustainable, and got honest with them about who I was. And they told me who they were. Who they were had nothing to do with who they were raised by, male or female. Who they were is who they were born to be.

And they've discovered who they are over the last few years on their own. They've come to their own decisions about who they're attracted to, what they like, what they don't. Without being exposed to a same-sex couple. Simply by being who they are. They are individuals, as every living human being is. And NO ONE has any right to tell them who or WHAT they should be.

We are entitled, as humans, to be what we are, as long as that doesn't harm anyone else. And what truly chaps my hide is when extreme conservatives try to make it their business when what I, or my children, want out of life, is nothing that concerns them in the least.

If my gay daughter wants to marry a woman - if she wants to have children with that woman - why should that be ANY different than me, a GAY WOMAN, having children with a man I did not truly love? How could that possibly be any worse for those children than having two loving, caring parents who love one another? Their sex doesn't matter. Their love for their children, and each other, does.

Dear Mr. Obama,

2009-06-12T22:16:00.003-05:00

I won't call you my President. I voted for you, but you have gone out of your way to FAIL to represent me, so you aren't my President.

But, Mr. Obama, what I want to know is this: Why is it necessary to lie to me to get my vote?

If you had told me the truth, I might (*might*) have voted for you anyway. At least I could have chosen the lesser of two evils. But you didn't tell me the truth. You told me you were different. That THIS time my relationship with the Democratic Party would be different. You spoke against everything Clinton did to us with DOMA and DADT. You claimed that you would be a "fierce advocate" for glbt issues. Hello? You aren't "fierce", you're a fucking Chihuahua. All bark, no fucking bite.

Today, you upheld DOMA, after previously asking the Supreme Court to refuse the DADT case. You disappoint me, Mr. Obama. You, and those like you (can anyone say CLINTON?), make me want to leave this country and it's prejudice far behind me. I'm trying to decide if I should leave before or after my youngest finishes High School. Because I sure as hell ain't staying here.

Oh, and btw, sir, I receive Survivor Benefits for the 16-year date rape you call a heterosexual marriage - which, after all, is something I still have a right to engage in as a homosexual. Never mind the fact that all those years in the closet, and in an abusive marriage, scarred me permanently. Never mind the fact that had I been allowed to be a whole person and have a family as an honest queer, I would never have felt the need to go through that.

You've lost my respect Mr. Obama. You lied, something I cannot, and will not, forgive. I will work to my last breath to see you the hell out of Washington. You sicken me. Your integrity, and lack thereof, is self-evident. But then again, I may not stick around this pathetic excuse for a country long enough to do that. My youngest kid starts High School in less than 6 years. I hope to be the hell out of this country by then.

I'm disgusted, Barack. You lied. I have no respect for people who lie to me. Don't pretend to be my friend, then yank the rug out from under me for no good reason. I did nothing to you. But you, and your predecessors, have done plenty to me, my family, and our collective self-esteem. Shame on you, Obama. Shame on you.

lawdork.wordpress.com/2009/06/12/obamas-doj-did-not-have-to-go-this-far/

www.washblade.com/thelatest/thelatest.cfm?blog_id=25735

www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,630120,00.html

andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/06/yes-we-can-not-that-we-necessarily-will.html

We're all done here, Mr. Obama. We are all done.

I'm not even sure where to start.

2009-06-01T01:41:00.001-05:00

I'm referring to Dr. George Tiller's assassination, of course. But not *just* that. I mean, I'm horrified that this man lost his life because he stood up for what he believed in, that he followed the law, and he helped a lot of women and their families navigate truly difficult, truly painful situations. I've had an abortion. It's not an easy decision, or one most people take lightly.

Believe me, if I had felt adoption was a viable alternative, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I was suicidally depressed. Continuing that pregnancy might well have cost my oldest child her only reliable parent. And in most of the cases involving Dr. Tiller, it was about the mother's health, or the child not being viable at birth, and sparing the mother another several months of pregnancy carrying a child doomed to death. No mother should have to endure that. And mentally, I don't know if I could.

But really, all of that is just "stuff". Significant stuff, but still details on a larger issue. Because what's really bothering me isn't the abortion issue itself. That's a personal decision for each individual, and it's a LEGAL right for all women.

What bothers me are the people who feel entitled to enforce their own internal beliefs on others. Just because I believe a woman has a right to choose if she carries a pregnancy to term, doesn't mean I think I have the right to enforce my beliefs on other people. I don't stand outside the homes of unreasonably young pregnant women telling them I think they should either adopt the child out or abort. It's none of my goddamn business.

But there is a very small segment of American Society who seems to believe it does have the right to tell other people what to do, how to live, and what to believe. Right down to who they should worship. I don't know about you, but that is decidedly not my concept of America. In fact, it seems that this is exactly what our ancestors came to America to escape. Persecution.

This is why we have a Constitution. It's why we have laws, and a Supreme Court, and Amendments that state one larger group cannot determine the rights of another, smaller group, just because they want to - we are ALL created Equal. The Majority doesn't have the right to strip rights from a Minority, and no one group has the right to tell other people how to live their lives, so long as they are obeying the laws of our land. That's why we make laws.

But in reading up on the Abortion Issue ( I capitalize that for good reason, as it's the most divisive in our country) it suddenly dawned on me how extreme some people are. Understand, I *did* sort of live in a cave those 10-11 years I was hooked on painkillers to tolerate being in a heterosexual marriage I desperately wanted out of. I didn't "wake-up" until 2005. Hell, I didn't realize I was gay for a good 6 weeks after that. And I didn't have the heart to start reading the news again until last year. Long story - if you don't know me well, you'll have to read my old blogs - or wait for the memoir.

But, boy howdy, the news is really fucking with my head these days. The amount of hatred and bile that spills from these so-called Christians just boggles my mind. The intolerance, the lack of empathy, the sheer fanaticism, is astounding. Even at my most fucked-up, I was never that cruel to anyone. Even most of the people I knew growing up who were Christians weren't that fucked up. And I knew some pretty fucked-up people. Heck, I was related to a lot of them. And I grew up in Texas.

However, looking at the histories of these groups - and their flavor of the week varies, although "the gays" and abortion seem to top the list - I can't help but wonder where their rights to free speech end, and my right to file harassment charges begin. When does the right to freedom of Speech give way to the rights of the individual against harassment, hate crimes, etc.? When does the individual have the right to say "enough"?

I mean, to me, having someone going through my trash, picketing outside my home, or harassing my spouse at work (oh, and don't forget the postcards mailed to Dr. Tiller's staff's neighbors accusing them of being "baby killers"), when does that become prosecutable harassment? That's not "free speech", folks. Calling a man a "mass murderer" on your website is NOT free speech. It's persecution. It's harassment. It's wrong, and there should be laws against it.

And it's that kind of harassment that creates the sort of nutjobs that have now killed FOUR abortion doctors. It's that kind of ignorance that allows four thugs in Boston to beat a guy half to death while calling him a fag - and the one who was caught gets a TWO-YEAR SUSPENDED SENTENCE! (see: dym-sum.com/2009/05/28/no109/)

It's that kind of unregulated hatred that creates violence that should not be tolerated in this country. I could list crime after crime after crime, where people were persecuted due to their race, their beliefs, their orientation. But not one crime has been committed against a right-wing nutjob - unless you count that twit Ashley Todd, who tried to claim she was assaulted by black men who tried to carve "Obama" in her skin - and was eventually discovered to be lying out her ass.

We - "we" being the so-called liberals - don't go around beating people, killing people, stalking people, and generally making their lives miserable because they don't agree with us. We're law-abiding (except for a few of those PETA peeps, whose methods I tend to disagree with) and we just want to live our lives without interference, and within the law. And if we don't like the law, we try to change it. Legally. Because that's what you are *supposed* to do when you don't like the law, right?

Not bully people, or harass them and their neighbors and neighboring businesses. You deal within the system. You don't force the people who live in the system to deal with you, personally. You don't impose your own brand of justice and morality on other people. That is NOT what civilized humans do. In a civilization, we all obey the same rules, or the rules collapse. Civilization collapses. And if we allow these splinter groups to continue to thumb their noses at the rest of society and the laws we live under, then civilization will suffer - because let's face it, there's only so much of this shit you can put up with. If your government doesn't stand with you, and enforce the same rules of engagement on opposing groups, and demand some level of reasonable behavior, then eventually, somebody is going to lash out at these people.

Granted, I would guess that's how they feel. Their government is not respecting their beliefs - the laws went against them. But, just to be snarky for a minute - isn't that what the Prop 8 supporters keep telling us? We lost - they won. Deal with it. And we're dealing with it by taking further legal action, and continuing to fight - legally - for what we believe is right. They keep taking action by harassing people, blowing up clinics, and generally being hateful, all in the name of Baby Jesus. Let's not forget Murder.

Honestly, I think this small group (and really, considering the U.S. population, they are a very small group) deserves it's own disease in the DSM. A delusional psychosis of some sort, perhaps. What they do not deserve is our continued tolerance of their peculiar brand of activism. The insanity has to stop somewhere. Seriously, there oughta be a law against this. Because our current laws allow for too much hatred to be directed at specific groups by people who are obviously too unstable to seek due process. People who will not accept that society is not obligated to adhere to their standards. People who don't seem to grasp due process.

Some might compare the gay marriage struggle with that. But there's a significant difference there. Those of us who want gay marriage aren't asking them to participate in a gay marriage. We're asking for the right to marry. We're not demanding their clergy marry us. We're not demanding their children become gay. We're demanding our own legal rights. And like abortion, you might not like that, but I can assure you it's a right we deserve, and a right we will have in the end. And ultimately, like abortion, it has not a thing to do with their lives or how they live them. I find sleeping with guys to be particularly abhorrent (no offense guys), but you don't see me picketing the homes of heterosexuals telling them how I gross *I* think it is, now do you? That's their business. I think they should mind theirs, and let me mind mine.

It's like people - one of my friends FB friends, in fact - who make comments about how they find it offensive to see books like "My Two Mommies" in a school library. These are people who can't tolerate tolerance. Just as I find heterosex icky - he finds lesbians icky - the difference is I don't feel a need to rant at heterosexuals, or prevent my kids from knowing they exist. How would he feel if his kids were made fun of because he likes girls? But he'll never know how that feels. My youngest may.

It wasn't easy for my kids to come to terms with the announcement that I was a Big Ole' Queer. It took time. Just as anything unfamiliar takes time to process. But because my kids had an emotional investment in me, and we communicated, they adjusted. I was so proud the first time each of them shared with a friend that I'm gay. It meant they'd overcome that society-imposed shame. They'd grown, and grown up a bit.

But the way I see it, the people in these far right Christian sects aren't capable of growth. They're throwing fits, because they aren't getting what they want. They're lashing out at others with violence, because they're immature, and child-like, except without the innocence. They lack empathy, and acceptance. And they excel at blaming other people for their problems.

In short, they are a very extreme, very primal, form of addict. That's what happens with people trapped in addiction. Especially those that cease to develop emotionally and mentally at an early age. They blame everyone else. They want what they want - now. And screw whoever their actions harm. In the case of these people, I think their religious beliefs are their drug. And they get off on forcing other people to acknowledge those beliefs, and abide by them. And if other people don't, well, it becomes a need to control those people. It's not much different than the military wash-outs who have committed murder, or the men who have killed their entire families before killing themselves, lately. It's all about control.

When this sort of personality feels a lack of control, they lash out at the people they blame, or the people they care for. It's always one or the other. Although one could argue, if you kill someone you claim to love, you couldn't really love them all that much. The marine washout who killed his mom, some other relatives, and some strangers - what made him snap? Well, Mom died first. But he didn't stop there, did he? And he's hardly the only one in the past year.

Some people carry so much rage, so much impotence, that all it takes is a personal event in their lives to make them snap. And I think there is a LOT of personal angst in the lives of these people who persecute others. Obviously, there is in the case of the ones who snap and commit violence. But even the ones who simply make it their life's work to harass others who disagree with them - what kind of process do you think is happening there? It's all about a need for control. A need to get other people to comply with your demands. An unwillingness to accept reality.

These people aren't sane. They won't work within the system. They won't tolerate differences. They believe their belief system is the ONLY correct belief system. Observe the comment from Operation Rescue:

“We are shocked at this morning’s disturbing news that Mr. Tiller was gunned down. Operation Rescue has worked for years through peaceful, legal means, and through the proper channels to see him brought to justice. We denounce vigilantism and the cowardly act that took place this morning. We pray for Mr. Tiller’s family that they will find comfort and healing that can only be found in Jesus Christ.”

Note: "...comfort and healing that can only be found in Jesus Christ."

To them, this is the ONLY path.

They can't even imagine that people could believe differently. It's beyond these people. They are that limited, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I mean, first off, there is nothing peaceful about driving around in a big truck with pictures of dismembered fetuses plastered to the side of it. Or digging through someone's trash, sending postcards to their neighbors calling them "baby killers" or harassing their spouse's employer. They haven't worked through "proper channels". The people who followed them have killed in the name of their cause. They have harmed other human beings. All in the name of their belief in the right to life.

They are deranged. And our government should treat them as such. It's one thing to hold to your beliefs, to fight for what you think is right. It is a whole other arena when you drag other people's lives - people who are LIVING within the law - into it. And something needs to change. This cannot be allowed to continue in an allegedly free country.

I've been depressed for a few days now...

2009-05-28T23:57:00.003-05:00

And then I realized, after watching a hilarious Monty-Pythonesque rendition of Shakespeare on youtube with my kids, that darn it, being depressed doesn't change a damn thing. And what I want, more than anything right now, is change.

However, the only way to create change is through effort. Effort is hard when you're depressed. But nothing changes if you don't make a decision to do something - then do it.

And that's the problem. So many kids in the state I grew up in become so depressed, they either give up and try to fit the mold their families and communities created for them, or they give up and become addicted to substances, or worse yet, end their lives.

I want to do something about that. I want to give these kids an 'out'. I want to give them someone to turn to when they feel like they have NO ONE they can talk to. I want to help them avoid what I went through. I want to give them hope.

But I'm not really sure how to accomplish that. I've started a facebook group, but that's not much. I need contacts in Texas. I need people to work with, people to support this effort. Because we need to overcome this prejudice, and the shame associated with being gay in the South. We have so *much* we need to do.

We have thousands of kids out there struggling with their identity. Many of them have been brought up in religious environments that make them feel like horrible people because they find themselves attracted to the same sex. And I'm not just talking about GAY kids here - I'm also talking about Bisexuals, transgendered kids, AND gay kids.

We have a large population of adolescents and young people we do very little for. We leave them to their families and communities, many of which are not exactly supportive of their personal, internal experiences. Not that I think they're intentionally non-supportive. Some of them just don't know better, or were just brought up to believe certain things. That doesn't make them bad. But it does make them ill-equipped to help a child dealing with these issues.

When someone is brought up in a religiously conservative environment, the realization that one does not "fit-in" can be overwhelming. Often to the point of self-abusive or suicidal behavior. I don't believe these people want to lose their kids to this kind of depression. But I do believe a lot of these kids need our help.

And I don't think some of these folks are equipped to help them. That's why I think we need more grassroots effort to give these kids the support they need. If it keeps one kid from killing themselves out of shame, it would be worthwhile.

In San Francisco, there has been a long-standing Gay & Lesbian center. No such thing exists in Austin. Even the GSA (gay-straight-alliance) organizations in High Schools are scarce in Texas. And it's time we correct that. These kids NEED our help. They need to know that realizing they are gay is not the end of their world.

Because the fact is, some kids are gay. They can't help that. They can't change that. Believe me, I tried, for over 25 years. Guess what? I was still gay. And I am not alone there. I have met many people in the last 4 years who didn't even admit they were gay until their 30's or 40's.

Being gay is not a choice. Believe me, if it were, I wouldn't be gay. No one wants to be ostracized, or disowned, or hated by people you've never met. But it's something we have to face when we come out, especially for some of us in the South. Places like Texas, and other Southern states, are not exactly hospitable when you come out as gay - or even Bi. God help you if you're transgendered.

But the fact is, these issues come up fairly early for most kids. Like the 4-year-old I had in a pre-school class in the late 80's, who spent his time playing with My Little Ponies with the girls. The child was constantly abused by his peers - despite my best efforts. And the fact is, until the parents down South realize that tolerance is an admirable trait, it will continue.

But people down here won't *learn* tolerance until they understand that even their family members might be part of the glbt community. And those members of the glbt community who are either hiding in the closet, or killing themselves to avoid the pain of ostracization, will not "come out" until we give them a safe means of doing so. Their families won't provide that. So it's up to the rest of us.

It's on our heads when these kids die, or condemn themselves to a miserable marriage to avoid their families rejection. They can't always do this alone. Sometimes, they need help. They need support, like any human being. Maybe that's why the Christian Right really fears books like "My Two Mommies" in school libraries. Maybe that's why they fear gay people - because they fear that their relatives will come out of the closet. Because they're there. I know they are. I was. And they have to know they're there, too.

But those people won't help them. They'll encourage their repression. And that has to change. We have to make that change, by providing an outlet for these people. WE have to give them someone to talk to, who isn't going to judge them based on who or what they are, or who they're attracted to. We have to be the family that isn't always available to them.

Again, it's not that their families are "bad". It's just that glbt folks have been so closeted in the South for so long, that a lot of these families haven't had the chance to get used to the idea. It's as much the fault of those of us who remained closeted, as the relatives who encouraged us to. But the only way to break that cycle is to give people somebody to talk to. We need PR, people.

We need a way to hook up distraught and desperate people struggling with their status to people who will listen. We need to provide a supportive environment for kids who are thinking they'd be better off dead. We need to reach out more. Help more. Judge less.

It's a seed right now. I don't know exactly what to do with it. I have ideas. I will explore them. But if anyone reading has ideas or suggestions to share, I am entirely open to that. Just don't tell me I'm gonna burn in hell. I've been there. I have a few scars, but none of them were burn marks.

I wish I could say I'm surprised...

2009-05-26T20:04:00.002-05:00

But I'm not.

Disappointed? Yes. Offended? Mightily. Still, I'm not surprised. I would have been more surprised if California's Supreme Court *had* done the right thing. Granted, there are apparently a helluva lot of people in this country that think granting the same rights and privileges enjoyed by every heterosexual in this country (including ME when I was closeted) to gay people, is wrong.

And really, I understand the primal fear so many of those people experience. A lot of it is religion-based. Even though more and more religious groups are pointing out that there's not actually anything IN the bible condemning homosexuality. Even though more and more people are starting to realize that nobody would CHOOSE to be gay. It's what we are. We can't change that. I. Have. Tried.

There's also, imho, a large population of gay and bisexual people in those groups who can't accept their own sexuality yet - and fear ostracization. So they lead the fight against "The Gays". Frankly, those fears are based in reality. Because people who belong to far-right, conservative Christian religions are highly intolerant of homosexuality, as well as many other things.

And that's where Harvey Milk hit the nail on the head: COME OUT!!! It's the only way to get people with different points of view to understand who, what, and where we are. Because we are everywhere. And as much as the Christian Right wants us back in the closet, we still exist. We breathe, we bleed, we cry. Especially on days like this.

However, the fact is, a lot of people are afraid to live their life as an openly gay individual. Again, their fears are valid. But the fact is, if we don't come out and live honestly, nothing will change. If we aren't brave enough to confront our own reality, we cannot expect others to recognize that reality.

Harvey Milk understood this. He understood the necessity of unity and group effort. He understood that as long as people thought we'd be quiet, unobtrusive, and "sit in the back of the bus", so-to-speak, that nothing would change. And face it, change didn't even begin until we, the glbt population, got mad. And started objecting to how we were being treated. Just like Rosa Parks, we declined to stand. We wanted a seat, dammit. From the Stonewall Riots, to Milk's assassination and the ridiculously lenient sentence his assassin was given, to the recent activism for Gay Marriage rights.

And the only way we're going to win this battle is if we all stand up together, and demand that our voices be heard. We must demand the same rights and responsibilities we would have if we pretended we were heterosexual. Because without that, we will not be taken seriously. We need a voice.

While it sucks that we have to go to these lengths to be acknowledged as Americans with the same legal standing and the same rights to the legal privileges granted to ANY other person in our country, it is what it is. And we have to deal with that reality. Otherwise, that reality will deal with us - and not favorably.

We have to be strong, and unified, and diligent. We have to act, as a nationwide community. With the help of those who stand with us, even though our plight doesn't directly affect them. We have to work for this. We shouldn't have to, but we do. And the more of us willing to come out of the shade of heterosexual privilege and face the heat of discrimination, the sooner it will happen.

And consider, gay teenagers are FOUR TIMES more likely to attempt suicide than their peers. Is it any wonder why? Between job discrimination, hate crimes, the rejection they face from intolerant friends and family, and the religious pressure most kids deal with, who wouldn't be suicidal? Add to that a near National hatred for your orientation, and who wouldn't feel suicidal in adolescence?

This is something people who are "hiding" need to think about. Because if YOU don't come out, you are validating the fears of these children. You are contributing to their deaths and addictions by telling them it's NOT okay to be who they are. I wouldn't say this if I didn't know there are a LOT of closeted queers out there. I didn't admit I was gay until I was 41. And yes, I didn't *know*. But mainly, I didn't want to admit it.

That, actually, is the paradox. You can't "admit" you're gay, unless you know it for sure. Yet, if you are repressing your orientation out of fear of the reaction of the people you love, your mind will try to protect you from the truth. It's called "denial", or
Don't
Even
Notice
I
Am
Lying.

And it's something a lot of people do. One of my daughters had a flamingly gay friend who didn't come out until High School was over - because his parents were Christian - and he's still not totally out. I've met a number of women who didn't come out until their late20's, 30's and even 40's. Because it's hard to come out. Especially if you feel threatened.

But 'come out' is what we must do. It's our best chance of being treated like worthy human beings. When people can see that ANYONE could be gay - your father, brother, sister, mother - or goddess forbid, your child - then attitudes will change. The secret will be out. People will have an investment in supporting the rights of our gay children who are so vulnerable and need our support so very much.

It's time for a change of attitude. But we need the support of all those closeted people out there to create it. We need to be Out, and Proud. We need not be ashamed of who we are. And we must teach those who love us that they have no need to be ashamed of who we are, either.

Since this is my big ole' gay blog...

2009-05-17T20:02:00.002-05:00

This post seems more appropriate here, than in my other blogs. Yes, I have multiple blogs. I have a LOT to say. It comes from being such a quiet child :)

What's on my mind right now, however, is how the rest of the non-gay nation perceives me - and my non-heterosexual children. So this blog is more appropriate. Because this blog is about the sorrow and disappointment I've experienced for so much of my life. It's about the pain one experiences in realizing that one is not attracted to the opposite sex - and that one is, indeed, different.

Myself, I tried REALLY hard not to be different. Through two marriages, and four kids. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be ostracized - which is how I felt at 16 when I admitted to my family and friends that I was (*gasp*) in love with a girl.

And, in my case, it led to decades of self-delusion. Of efforts to be something I was not. "Normal", that is. Heterosexual. Or at the least, "bisexual", which still gave me heterosexual privilege. I wanted to be included, not outcast. Which was how I felt when I tried to 'come out'.

And since "coming out" to myself, I've felt some serious guilt about betraying the rest of the folks who DID come out firmly. Despite the potential losses they faced. I felt like a coward.

I do, however, understand the pressure I was under. I grew up in an area that was predominately Southern Baptist. I watched preachers dunk people in water to 'save their souls'. I refused, but later, when my mother married a Lutheran, I was given the choice between submitting, or losing my privileges to go outdoors.

This is also how I came to be confirmed in the Lutheran Church. I was showing up at confirmation classes stoned out of my gourd, and OD'd by the end, but you know, 'they' could claim I was a Christian. And that was all that mattered. To them. Especially my step-dad.

And decades later, when I admitted to myself - and my brother, who was all that was left of my extended family - that I was actually gay, well, guess who quit speaking to me? It's hard to be gay in this country. And it's hardest on the kids in the South. The pressure of society, family, and even friends, can make the process of coming out-of-the-closet a long, difficult, and laborious one.

Which is why I was so happy when my second-oldest came out at the age of 20. I was 41 when I finally found my way out-of-the-closet. I'm happy for her. She has her whole life ahead of her. And the opportunity to enjoy it being herself. Without hiding herself in a closet of fabulous clothes.

But it disturbs me when people express anti-gay sentiments. Especially those that complain about the prospect of gay marriage. Do you folks really want gay people marrying heterosexuals? We do, you know. To escape your wrath and condemnation. But it hurts everyone involved.

Because no matter how many men I married, or how many children I had, I was still a lesbian. My actions didn't change that. And my actions were not helpful to the men I married.

And while I will ALWAYS be grateful for the kids I had from those relationships - I wish I could have had them with someone who having a relationship with didn't make me want to die. And that's how those relationships with men affected me. Because forcing myself to try to be something I wasn't was so emotionally painful, I came close to not being able to deal with it at all.

And I'm not alone here. I know a lot of women who came out of the closet between 28-44. It's easier for us to hide. We blame it on hormones, or the men themselves. But it's not them - it's us. And our refusal to accept what we really are - Gay. Lesbians. Dykes. Frankly, I sometimes think the gay boys have it easier - even though a lot of them stay in the closet with straight marriages - because their hormones make it really hard to deny.

But for women, it's easy. If I can tolerate your company - or like you - then it's easy to delude myself. I can blame my lack of interest, sexually, on kids, or you being an asshole! But guys tend to know their sexual attractions deviate from the norm - even when they stay in those marriages. I swear, I'm coming back as a gay boy - just so I'll have a better sex life :)

But the result of this sort of denial is that a lot of us enter into marriages where we are unhappy, and often unfaithful, to the people we made vows to. Because we're trying to live up to heterosexual expectations of society. We aren't marrying the people we love. We're marrying the people everyone ELSE expects us to marry.

And I can't begin to explain to a straight person how that feels. I can't impart that sort of empathy. Either you can put yourself in someone else's shoes, or you can't. The closest I've ever come has been in dialogue in the cab:

Straight guy: "But how do you KNOW you're gay?!"
Me: "Let me ask you this: when you think of having sex with another dude, what's your reaction?"
Straight guy: "EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

Me: "Exactly."

I wasn't created to love men that way. Neither was my second-oldest daughter. Two of my daughters are - that's how they're wired. But for those of us not wired that way, it's a terrible injustice. It's wrong to demand that I lie about who I am and who I'm capable of loving intimately.

And the people who expect me to change that - when I've tried, and found I couldn't - should be ashamed of their egotism. I am not you. I am me. And I cannot love men in an intimate manner. And what right have you to tell me I should be able to? Your god created us both. And it created me as I am.

2009-05-12T19:11:00.002-05:00

I've let this blog lie a while. Mostly, I was busy trying to keep my head above water when the Taxi business started tanking. The other side, is that I didn't want to think about it.

I quit dating about 18 months ago, after that last obsessive twit. So it wasn't really an issue for me. I don't ever plan on getting married again. Granted, I've never been married to a woman, but that's beside the point. I don't even plan on marrying one of those, if I could.

But then one of my kids came home from her first date and announced she was gay. That changes everything. Everything. Because it ain't just my battle anymore. It's my kids battle. And I'll fight harder for my kids than anything on Heaven or Earth.

And I pity the misguided conservative who thinks I won't. This is war.

Nov. 7th, 2008

2008-11-07T08:28:00.000-06:00

Well, I got through 5 hours of work before I started randomly tearing up. So maybe the worst has passed. I hope so. I hate when I get like this. And I really can't think of anything else I want pierced.

I'm eliminating the wellbutrin. I think it was making this harder than it had to be. Granted, it's never easy to come to grips with 30 states thinking you're a worthless piece of shit. Including the most progressive State in the Union. Hell, even the girl from Cali and the black dude who finally got me talking couldn't understand it. Black folks KNOW prejudice. Why on EARTH they would be party to propagating it is anyone's guess. Well, aside from religion, that is. They both saw that. And both thought it a very narrow-minded excuse.

It's a shame we can't export open-mindedness from Austin. Because it's a pretty great town in that respect. Unfortunately, it's surrounded by a high degree of narrow-minded bigotry - aka Texas. I'm thinking of writing a book. I want to call it "Closets Are For Clothes". (consider that copyrighted, folks) Or maybe, "How the U.S. Government Reinforced my Family's Retarded Belief-System". Nah, I like the first one better. I should be sleeping right now. But I seem to be having trouble with that. I slept TOO much this afternoon - which is why Lulu walked home to get me up to get Annie. And I couldn't nap before work when I tried to. And I was up FOREVER yesterday. And I have to get Ele this afternoon - and go by base because apparently there's a meter-rate change no one mentioned when I went to base Tuesday to replace the tire, or Wednesday to pay my lease. I'm guessing it's a downward adjustment - since the announcement just said "change", not "increase". Figures.

And yes, I am bipolar. I don't doubt it anymore. Not after this week. As fast as I slid to the bottom of my barrel on Wednesday morning, I no longer question it. And I'm quite sure the anti-depressants helped that slide, immensely. Granted, it got me in touch with a LOT of shit I had glossed over. The sheer impact of the realization that THIS (THIS being the universal hatred directed at people like me in our beloved country) is WHY I repressed my attraction to women in the first place, was invaluable.

And even the brouhaha the conservative Christians (and don't kid yourself Jen, it WAS about religion - just a really warped idea of that particular religion) stirred up in California may just be a good thing in the long run. Because it will infuriate people like me - people who have held their secrets so long, then risked 'coming out' only to be slapped in the face by an ignorant populace. By fearful people who treat me as a subhuman freak. I am NOT subhuman. And I WILL NOT settle for Second-Class citizenship. This is one bitch who ain't gonna sit on the back of the bus (and Goddess bless you, Rosa Parks).

I've watched this drama play out before. With the African-American population, the Hispanics, the Asians (especially after Vietnam), even with Women's Rights in the 70's - and believe me women didn't really HAVE a lot of rights in the 1970's, voting notwithstanding. And what we have to do from here is educate people - whether they like it or not. Nobody likes having to face facts. Hell, I've faced them kicking and screaming most of my life. But it's time. It's due. And it's necessary. And it's urgent.

And if nothing else, it will give me something to live for once my kids have all left home. I was wondering what excuse I was gonna use then, anyway. Now, I know.

My goal is to prove to a bunch of closed-minded people that I AM human. And deserve to be treated as such. And provided I can survive that internal voice that keeps wanting to kill me, I will pour every ounce of strength I have into that goal. I can't make promises on that part - it's a really loud, annoying voice. And it sounds a lot like my maternal grandmother. But I'm going to die trying, that much I promise. I will not be deemed insignificant. Because I matter. I count. And so do all my brothers and sisters who are facing this discriminatory, hateful, and fear-based legal discrimination.

We are queer. Hear us fucking roar.

Or write. Either way, maybe it will save some poor crazy christian's kid from going through what I went through.
And that alone would be worth it.
Because nobody should have to feel that bad for being themselves.

We, too, shall overcome.

Nov. 6th, 2008

2008-11-07T08:11:00.000-06:00

I may need to get something pierced at this point.

The anger and the sadness I've felt the last 36 hours have apparently triggered a depressive episode. I can't stop crying. It'll stop for a bit, then the feelings start bubbling up again, until I'm crying uncontrollably. And I know that the shock of having California, of all places - as well as the 29 other states in the last few years - declare me sub-human is what set it off. But it's going well beyond what it should be, in my opinion.

Yes, it dug up a LOT of feelings that caused me to refuse to admit I was gay for 41 years. But it's out-of-control at this point. It's like my reaction to ending my friendships with Magan or Angie now. Just spontaneous tears, and an inability to regain an emotional center. I'm stuck in despair. And it sucks. I was up for more than 36 hours on 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I'm not well.

I may discontinue the wellbutrin tomorrow if I don't feel better by then. It could be contributing to this. Anti-depressants have been known to cause deep depression in people with manic-depressive tendencies. But right now, I'm stuck in a down place. And it feels godawful. And except for the ones I love, I hate straight people. And I am so disappointed in the lack of justice in this country that it's not remotely funny. And I still can't believe that in the year 2008 we have SO MANY narrow-minded people within our borders.

And you know, I'm really, really proud of Barack Obama. He stood up against a population well-known for it's prejudice, and he overcame. And I sorta resent that the hammerheads in California had to spoil that for me. As he said "We are and always will be, the United States of America". I'm just waiting to be a part of that. Because right now, I'm not. Not in my heart. Not even in my head.

My America doesn't even exist. Because in MY America, I have as much value as anyone else. And the same rights AND privileges as anyone else. But that isn't the America I live in - not in reality. In reality, I can still be hated and judged on the basis of my sexual orientation. I can still be limited, and have my rights limited, by my orientation. Because America HAS NOT EVOLVED to the point that it can accept me as human.

And coming to terms with that is horribly difficult. Especially now that I FEEL it. Now that I understand just HOW MUCH half the population of America despises me and my kind. And it hurts, more than I can express. More than I even understood as a child on a concious level. More than I imagined.

Obama said repeatedly, "Yes, we can!" But my little minority was not included in that statement. This New America is not mine. Your God does not bless me - but his followers condemn me every chance they get. And they don't EVEN KNOW ME. And I grew up afraid of that god, and his followers. And afraid to be honest about who I am and who I love. And goddammit, I'm sick to death of settling for what I can get from this country.

I want EQUAL footing. EQUAL rights. I want what EVERYBODY else already has.

I want to be validated - by my country.
And I want to stop fucking crying.

Nov. 5th, 2008

2008-11-07T08:09:00.000-06:00

I feel like Charlie Brown - just as he realizes Lucy has yanked the football away, yet again.
I think this is called 'despair'.

The landslide election of Obama seemed to portend something hopeful. And I felt hopeful. But when the State of California - California of ALL places! -chose to send the message that I am a Second-Class Citizen, along with every other gay person in America, I lost hope. It was bad enough when Texas did it. And all the other states that have singled us out and refused us the same rights every living, breathing, heterosexual on the whole damn planet has. Even the ones in prison, for crying-out-loud.

But when the State of California granted that right to gay people - then viciously yanked it away - well, it has destroyed my faith in the process of democracy. And what little faith I had in the good intentions of other people. It would appear my initial judgment was correct - most people suck. And in large groups, they just suck harder.

And what really pains me, is that according to exit polls, a large part of what passed Prop 8 were the very voters who put Obama over the top - the African American vote. Followed in racial order by Hispanics and whites. But mainly, it was a decision they based on religion - those who attended church regularly were more likely to vote for the proposition. Those who didn't, voted against. And my ex-sponsor couldn't understand my resentment against organized religion. Of course, he was a Catholic.

But at least I've moved past hating on Gods to hating on people's stupidity. Because that's why I'm sad today. People are just fucking stupid. And inconsiderate as all hell. You'd think after everything the African-American race has been through, they'd have a little tolerance, or at least compassion. But no, they don't. Not for queers, anyway. Not if it violates their religious beliefs. Which, incidentally, don't have a damn thing to do with MY life.

And I know it's not just them - but it is Christianity - I'd bet my pulse on that. All of these individual states that have passed gay-marriage bans targeted their Christian voters to do so. And yet, no one can explain how a same-sex couple being married is going to hurt them - or even directly affect them. No one can explain a VALID reason for subjugating us to Second-Class Citizenship. Because there isn't one. Just as there was no reason to prohibit inter-racial couples from marrying. But they sure as hell tried, years ago.

Legislating morality is central to American Christianity. I can't for the life of me understand why, but it is. I suppose part of it is that need for belonging. And in order to belong to a group, there has to be some definitive difference between the people in that group, and others outside the group. Thus, the sense of belonging. I think they accomplish this by finding a common enemy.

In 12-step programs, which are all about belonging, the enemy is usually drugs and alcohol. In Christianity, it seems to be beliefs, and what they deem 'normal' moral values. And anything that deviates from the group consensus of 'normal' is defined as 'other'. Or, outside the group. And is attacked, for being different, and in their eyes, unacceptable. For many years, the target of this 'otherness' was often ethnic minorities - blacks and Hispanics, specifically. Although, thanks to WWII the Asian population enjoyed a good stint as the object of the general public's ire. And you can bet the fact they weren't considered 'Good Christians' came into play there. Hell, even early Italian and Irish and other immigrants got a taste of this particular brand of Christianity - since they practiced a different brand of Christianity - and thus were different.

Various other targets have been booze - see "Prohibition" -working moms, rock & roll, non-Christian religions, book bans and book burning, and, of course, abortion. I'm sure there are more, but frankly, that's enough. And while my oldest might argue that attitudes are changing - or even that it isn't the religion itself, but individuals who get a hair up their ass in a religious group or family - I have to say I have seen some of the most atrocious behavior from church groups in the last ten years or so than I EVER recall as a child.

Yes, back in the Stone Age they were just pretty much discriminatory across the board - because they could get away with it then. But these days, they have a Cause of the Week. Whether it's a children's book, or Gay Marriage, or some shit on TV, there's always something for these people to get their panties in a wad about.

And my argument is that they do it NOT because their religion dictates this judgmental behavior in any way, shape, or form - but because it gives them something to band together against. Because they need a common enemy. To reinforce their sense of belonging. And they've exhausted most of their options. Therefore, they attack 'The Gays'. And we have been under attack for years now. And it's getting pretty fucking old.

And the WORST part, is that this is a FEDERAL ISSUE. We are being denied protection under the law - the same protection the African-American community avails itself of. And has, for years. The same protection that grants the privilege of marriage to Heterosexuals in the first place. Equal Protection Under The Law. I am not protected under this law because the Christian Right has learned to manipulate the system on a State to State basis. It IS a FEDERAL ISSUE. And the laws are being manipulated by manipulating the voters. And THE CHURCHES are working to manipulate the fucking voters.

But our side is afraid to pursue it as a Federal Issue. Because if we lose, we're screwed. Permanently.

I hate organized religion. With a passion. But I hate the morons who can't fucking think for themselves worse. And yes, hate is a strong word - but put yourself in my shoes for a few YEARS and see if you feel tons of compassion for people who seem to thrive on making you feel like you have the social value of a dog. If that.

I'm angry. And sad. And depressed. And I think America, and the so-called Americans who voted to reduce my rights really, really suck. And quite frankly, I understand now why I wanted to die as a kid. Beyond my fucked-up family - and friends who disappeared when they found out I liked girls. People suck. And people who vote to make me feel disenfranchised suck loudly. And they do nothing to inspire my compassion or patience. If anything, they make me wish I had died. It would have been easier to deal with.

Because trying to 'hang in there' just ain't working for me. Trying to maintain a positive attitude in the face of overt discrimination and incredible American ignorance is not feasible. Granted, it's probably just as crappy anywhere else. But that doesn't make it acceptable.

Fuck this planet. Fuck this country. Fuck Obama. And fuck off.

I am in a mood.
And while I'm sure it will change, just as soon as I adjust to the idea that I am a Second CLASS CITIZEN, right this minute I hate everyone.

Mood:Livid

But for the record...

2008-11-07T08:08:00.000-06:00

If California passes Proposition 8, I'm just going to be disgusted. And I think it's damn time we had a U.S. CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT to treat everyone the same in respect to unions of marriage - civil or otherwise.

I am NOT a second-class citizen.
And I won't act like one.
Even if I never want to get married again - to a male or female.
It just ain't right.

But it is MY RIGHT if I choose to do so.

Edit:
My question is this: Why do people fear allowing gays to marry? It can't just be religion - they break enough of those 'laws' on a regular basis as it is. What is the psychological fear in the heterosexual community that causes them to repeatedly squash our rights on the basis of our homosexuality? Why are we the last "safe" target? What are they really afraid of?

I want to figure this out. And I want to participate in future efforts to resolve this issue. If we can elect an African-American as President, we can damn well put this shit to bed, dont'cha think?

Because if we can't, I'm leaving once they're all on their own - all FOUR of my DEMOCRATIC voters. This crap has caused me enough grief. From growing up around people who said I'd go to hell because of who I was attracted to, to the judgmental assholes who shaped my psychopathology. And who the hell needs a country that treats you like this? Who the hell WANTS to live in a country that treats you like this?

I don't.

And I won't, if things don't change. I'm sick to death of being treated like I'm defective because of the people I care about - the people I'm sexually attracted to - who happen to be of the same sex. What, and seriously - what?!? - makes white heterosexuals (and a handful of hispanics, per the polls) think they have ANY RIGHT to determine how I live my life if it isn't chapping their hide?

And Austin Celebrated...

2008-11-07T08:06:00.001-06:00

Ele was first with the news at 10:06pm - she texted me "Obama won!!!"

That was on my way down 5th from Mopac. By the time I reached 6th and Brazos, you could hear cheering everywhere. People were celebrating. With their voices, their car horns, and many a 'happy dance'.

This was the scene outside the Driskill:

Shortly after, the APD barricaded 6th Street from Red River to Congress, as the celebration spread out of the bars and into the streets. More parties are planned this weekend to celebrate the long-awaited victory.

But, this being Texas, even the people who voted for Obama were cautiously cheerful when they got in the cab - until they were sure of who I voted for. Politics is a touchy subject down here - especially this election. After all, we not only got the first Democrat in the highest office in 8 years - but the first person of color - ever. And as I told the young black woman I drove home from Denny's after overhearing her mention to someone on the phone - very casually - "Did you hear Obama won?", Obama didn't just win - he kicked ass.

I think my favorite conversation was with the Indian Graduate Student. He had caught the bus downtown from the airport, and I was driving him the rest of the way home. He was hopefully optimistic that this was a true sign of change. I suspect a lot of people feel that way. But what really hit me, was as I left his complex, after a very pleasant conversation on hope - I noticed the stop sign as I pulled back up to Lake Austin Boulevard. Someone had spray painted the word "WAR" under the "STOP" part. This is one of the things I love about Austin :)

But, I think my Wal-Mart clerk was in shock. This is a nice, young, white, Christian kid. And he's horribly disappointed, and afraid. Actually, I think he's in shock. So much so that he began discussing his views on abortion and gay marriage as he checked my groceries. I tried to explain to him, that despite his insistence that granting people like me a 'civil union' may be the same as marriage (he supports the former), that treating us as second-class citizens because we ARE gay, is not cool. And I pointed out to him, that while we may disagree on abortion - there is a lot about it we do agree on. I feel kind of sorry for the right-wing Christians. Their world has been rocked.

Hopefully, they'll adapt. Because I believe we will see change from this event. Not instantaneous change, of course. But the very fact that America looked past it's prejudices (and trust me, even the most open-minded of us - especially down south - have them) and elected Barack Obama to the highest office in our country, speaks volumes. I never believed I would see it happen in my lifetime. But I get goosebumps just thinking about it. Because it's pretty damn awesome.

I think it may mean America is finally ready to grow up. And it's about damn time. I also think this will be enormously helpful to the african-american community. It has the potential to give them a sense of ownership in this country that they have lacked. They have been a disenfranchised people for too long, in a psychological sense. Hell, it gives me a sense of pride. Maybe it was my Aunt telling my mom I looked like a little Mexican as an infant - but frankly, I've always felt like an outsider in white-bread society. I can't imagine how intimidating mainstream white society is for folks of completely different ethnic backgrounds. But I'm willing to bet this gives some people a sense of ownership - and belonging.

And while I still feel the President is not the end-all and be-all of politics - since a lot of other factors come into play that make the Presidency more of a figurehead role - I do think Obama will be good for this country psychologically, as long as he doesn't fuck-up too much. He has the charisma of JFK, and the manner of an educated gentleman. And he's fought some really impossible odds to get where he is this moment. I'm betting his grandma is damn proud of him.

And a lot of people here were, too. Happy, proud, relieved. Except for the occasional Republican, who was generally just quiet, or trying to pretend it didn't matter - except for my friend at Wal-Mart, of course. I think he was just shocked and dismayed. But hopefully he, and the rest of that segment of the population, will get over it enough to attempt to work together on making this world a better place. At least they've taken the McCain signs down in my neighborhood, which is quite an improvement to me :)

But the most bizarre thing tonight was the $10 dollar tip from the guy who works at HEB - because he considered me a Good Samaritan for calling in a drunk driver to APD. Why wouldn't you call in somebody who could kill somebody else? Oh, and I finally reported a runner - two kids I picked up on 6th street. They were young teens - and it occurred to me to ask for cash - but I figured I was going to take them to the N. Lamar bus station anyway, since I couldn't in good conscience leave them alone on West 6th. But I did call the cops when they bolted. I didn't stay for the police report - what's the point? But I reported them and told the cop who called back I'd be happy to meet up with them if they spotted them. You have to teach people what consequences are for behaviors. I only learned this recently, after two years of getting ripped off every two or three months. But I figure it's time I make an effort to hold people accountable.

But even that incident couldn't spoil tonight. It was just too sweet a victory.
Besides, Karma's a bitch...they'll figure that out sooner or later.

But tonight, tonight was joyous: